Youth of the Nation
by orange-tide
Summary: Completed! We are not invincible, only mortal. They had survived the worst, hoping they could only get better. See how the shooting has afftected them, internally, and externally.
1. Mortal

Seth Cohen sat bored in his chair during English class. School had started, his senior year, and everyone had returned form the disastrous summer. It was already November, and the past summer's events did not want to be remembered. Ryan was back, Theresa was still pregnant, and Summer hated Seth's guts. Not that he could blame her. He had left so suddenly, leaving her hurt and confused. Without Seth, and with Marissa moping about Ryan, Summer had relied on the one thing she fully comprehended: Bitchiness. She wouldn't give Seth the light of day, , ignoring him every time he came near. It felt so much like last year, just there was no Anna. Seth had already gotten used to being ignored. He had dealt with it for the first sixteen years of his life.  
  
It was an ordinary day, nothing out of the usual. All four of them, Seth, Ryan, Marissa, Summer, were in different classes: Seth in English, Ryan in history, Marissa in pre-calculus, and Summer in study hall. Things were finally settling down after the summer. No one had really enjoyed the summer, each one losing something. Seth was grounded until Chrismukkah, and that suited him fine. He really had nowhere else to go. Ryan was allowed out, but mostly he hung out with Seth after school and they played video games. Both Marissa and Summer had found new guys, so Ryan and Seth were out on the curb. Seth stared out the window, having finished the writing assignment. He noticed a van pull into in the parking lot, but thought nothing of it.  
  
_Last day of the rest of my life  
  
I wish I would've known. . ._  
  
Seth passed his paper up when the teacher called for them. He sat in the back of the class, by choice, so no one could see him. At the moment in school, he was called, "The Emo freak who tried to get with Summer Roberts," and he really didn't feel like getting teased. About a quarter of the water polo team was in his class.  
  
_Cause I didn't kiss my mama good-bye  
  
I didn't tell her I loved her and how much I care. . ._  
  
Seth looked around the classroom. Just about everyone was there. Except for a guy two seats over. Seth didn't know the guy, and personally, didn't really want to know the guy. Seth preferred to keep to himself other than his closest friends. Which was Ryan and Marissa. When Seth came back from his sailing adventure, both him and Marissa apologized to each other about what they had said. It didn't matter.  
  
_Or thank my pops for all the talks  
  
And all the wisdom he shared. . ._  
  
Seth tried to pay attention, but as hard as he tried, he couldn't focus. Something wasn't right, but he couldn't put his finger on it. But he had to pay attention. It was his last year, his last attempt. He couldn't screw up now. He wanted to go to a good college and everything. Even if he didn't fully know what he wanted to be. As of then, he was Undeclared.  
  
_Unaware, I just did what I always so  
  
Everyday, the same routine  
  
Before skating off to school  
  
But who knew that this day wasn't like the rest. . ._  
  
Something halted Seth from even attempting to pay attention. It sliced through the air and silenced all talk. Every single person heard it, but doubted it was what it was. Until they heard the scream. The scream after the gunshot. The scream that told everyone to run for their lives. But for a moment, everyone sat frozen in their seats, trying to understand. Seth was one of them, still not getting it. But once they did, then they ran. More screams came from the first floor and Seth was on the third. Harbor high was a big school. Good thing, Seth thought as he joined the crowd racing out of the room, it would be a while until the person got up two flights of crowded stairs. But he was wrong.  
  
Another gunshot rung through the air, this time on the third floor. Part of Seth wanted to run for it, and the other half wanted to hide in the teacher's closet. But the first half won, so he continued to try to get through the crowd. More gunshots went off and the screams increased. Seth could barely comprehend it in his mind what was going on.  
  
_Call me blind, but I didn't see it coming  
  
Everybody was running  
  
But I couldn't hear nothing  
  
Except gun blasts, it happened so fast. . ._  
  
Finally Seth made it through the door. People were running around in havoc. The stairs were horribly filled and Seth could see a few bodies on the floor, bleeding. He wanted to help, but knew they didn't have much hope. So Seth reluctantly joined the crowded staircase. He would still have another flight after this. He planned on darting to the stairs on the opposite end of the hall. Those were always less crowded.  
  
Seth looked and looked for a familiar face, but found none. He knew Summer was on the ground floor, in the library and he prayed she wasn't victim to one of the gunshots. Seth didn't know what floor Marissa was on, but knew Ryan was on the second. Seth looked around for him as he got off the stairs, but no luck. He bet Ryan was already on the ground floor and Summer and hopefully Marissa were already out of the school by that time.  
  
_Maybe this kid was reaching out of love  
  
Or maybe for a moment  
  
He forgot who he was. . ._  
  
So many thoughts were racing through Seth's mind. Who was doing this? Who would be so evil to start shooting random people? Yeah, sure, Seth didn't like a lot of these people at his school, but he would never go on a shooting rampage. The second floor was almost to a close for Seth. He wanted to get out. But first find Summer. He knew she still cared for him. After this, they would be fine. She'd forget all about her guy of the week, and they'd walk off into the sunset. That is, if they got out. Seth didn't know if Summer was safe, but he knew he sure wasn't.  
  
The gunshots increased and increased as the screams never stopped. He saw more and more people on the floor and it broke his heart just to leave them there. He didn't know if he would ever see them again. Just because they may have made fun of Seth at a point, it didn't mean they should die. He believed there was good in everyone, no matter what. The only people he didn't know about were these shooters.  
  
_Or maybe this kid this kid just wanted to be hugged  
  
Whatever it was  
  
I know it's because  
  
We are, we are, the youth of the nation. . ._  
  
One of the shooters came into focus. He was practically hidden amongst the crowd of frantic people. Students and teachers alike just ran past him, not knowing he was the one shooting people. But Seth saw him and Seth was more terrified than ever before. He had never seen something like this before in his life. He might have heard stuff happening like this on the news, but it had never hit this close to home. Literally. But Seth had to get to the stairs. That was his way out. He couldn't go back the other way. So he continued running down the hall watching the shooter out of the corner of his eye.  
  
_We are, we are, the youth of the nation. . ._  
  
Seth's hearing failed him. He didn't know why or how, but it just stopped. And so had he. He wasn't running anymore, just watching the people run past. Seth wanted to run, to get away, but his legs didn't listen. He urged them forward, but they stood still. And then the delayed pain in his stomach came to him. It hurt like hell, and at first Seth thought it was just a bad stomachache, so he put his hand there to console it. But when he removed his hand, he saw something he hadn't expected.  
  
Blood.  
  
All at once, Seth's legs gave out and he grabbed onto a locker handle to try to keep himself up, but couldn't. Seth fell to the ground and looked around for a few seconds more. Everything was in slow motion, like a movie reel slowing its speed to make the scene more dramatic. Seth tried to scream, but nothing worked anymore. His life flashed in front of his eyes and he thought of Summer. His only love.  
  
And then he shut his eyes.  
  
Summer could hear the first gunshot clear and easy. It was barely a hundred feet away, and she sat alone at a table in the library. She thought she had heard wrong, but when she heard the scream, she knew she had heard right. Her immediate reaction was to run, but the person had to be close. And he was getting closer. She followed in suit as the rest of her class began to get under their table. Summer heard the library door open. She inhaled and vowed not to exhale until the person left. She could hear screams and gunshots from above. If the shooter was a student, Summer was screwed. She had made fun of so many people, and she expected to be one fo the first shots. But she heard gunshots and they didn't hit her. She was okay. And then she heard the guy leave. Summer exhaled. She had survived. But the person under the table next to her hadn't. Summer stared, eyes wide in fear, at the boy. Immediately tears welled in Summer's eyes and she tried to not let them fall, but they did. Someone was dead.  
  
Again, she followed everyone else as they ran for the door. The hall was packed from wall to wall. Summer hadn't noticed there were that many people in the school. She didn't head into the hall, waiting it out in front of the library. She could still hear the gunshots and the screams were deafening. Her thoughts went to Seth and it made her sick. He was on the third floor. Would he be able to get out?  
  
Summer had thought the teachers might try to put some order into getting everyone out, but no. they were in the middle of the crowd, racing to get out. Obviously it was every person for themself. The gunshots were reaching a never-ending level. Summer couldn't take anymore, but she wanted to wait for Seth.  
  
"SUMMER!" She heard a voice scream. She stayed by the library door and looked back. She could see Marissa coming.  
  
"Over here!" Summer yelled and put her arm up so Marissa could se. tears were streaming down Marissa's face, and blood was on her shirt. Summer could immediately tell Marissa had seen some scary stuff. Finally, Marissa reached Summer. They hugged, glad to see each other alive. "Are you okay?"  
  
"Oh God Sum. I watched someone die. We were putting up math problems on the board and the guy came in, and shot. The girl fell on me. And, oh God Summer, it was horrible. We have to get out of here." Marissa stared at Summer seriously and sadly.  
  
"We can't." Summer objected.  
  
"Why not? We have to go!" Marissa pleaded. She couldn't understand why Summer wanted to stay. People were being shot left and right. Why oppose to leaving?  
  
"What about Seth? And Ryan? Are we just gonna leave them here?" It had been the first time Summer mentioned Seth in so long.  
  
"We don't know where they are. We can't get them. We have to get out."  
  
"What if they don't come out?"  
  
"They will."  
  
"I can't leave Seth. How can you leave Ryan?" Summer let more tears fall. She hated herself for being mean and ignoring Seth. It didn't matter anymore.  
  
"Get down!" Marissa yelled as she saw the shooter look in their direction. "Summer, if we don't get out now, we are gonna die." Marissa looked at Summer fearfully. She didn't want to leave Ryan, or even her boyfriend, but she had to. They had to fend for themselves.  
  
"Well, let's just stay here for a bit. Ya know, wait it out." Summer suggested. She wanted to see Seth and Ryan running to them and then they would leave together, and somehow, happiness would come out of this tragedy.  
  
"Fine. We'll wait a bit more, but then we have to get out." Marissa succumbed to Summer's begging. Both looked into the crowded hallway for Ryan or Seth. They had forgotten all about their recent boyfriends, only looking for the ones they cared most for. Their boyfriends had obviously forgotten them too, hopefully, since they didn't see neither of them. The gunshots and screams never stopped, and Summer wondered where the police were. Didn't anyone tip them off? People were dying, wasn't that why there was a police? To stop people from hurting other people?  
  
"Coop, I don't see them!" Summer screamed. Tears were pouring down her face. She looked at Marissa, who was also crying.  
  
"I don't see them either. Maybe we should start to get out." Marissa was really scared. She had never seen anyone die, but now she had. Someone died in her arms. She would never forget those images. They were in her forever.  
  
_Who's to blame for the lives that tragedies claim. . ._  
  
"No. We have to wait for a bit longer." Summer was so adamant on staying. She wanted to Seth safe so badly.  
  
"Sum, we need to go. They may be outside already!" Marissa couldn't take it anymore. She needed to get out.  
  
"But..." Summer began to object.  
  
"Please Summer. We need to leave." Marissa was about to pull Summer by the arm so she could get out. She did not want to die. And if they stayed in there, they would. "Come on." Marissa urged. Another gunshot went off by them. Marissa stared at Summer fearfully.  
  
"All right." Summer nodded. They got up and joined the crowd. They began running out, just like the rest of the school was. The screams never ceased, but weirdly the gunshots stopped for a moment. But one gunshot started them all up over agin. One that made Summer gasp in surprise. She stopped for a second, but Marissa pulled her on. Little did they know, that shot hit Seth Cohen.  
  
But on they ran, desperately trying to escape from the school . As was the rest of the school, and every so often, someone would fall down.  
  
_No matter what you say  
  
It don't take away the pain  
  
That I feel inside, I'm tired of all the lies. . ._  
  
They were getting closer and closer. The doors could be seen and they were in clear view. They raced to the door, hoping nothing would happen. But nothing did, and they finally reached the doors. The air smelled so sweet to them. Summer thought she would never see the outside again, but she had. Cop cars and ambulances flooded the front of the school. Summer had never seen so many in one place.  
  
_Don't nobody know why  
  
It's the blind leading the blind. . ._  
  
"Ryan!" Summer heard Marissa yell from next to her. She looked to where Marissa was  
  
looking. There sat Ryan, on the back of an ambulance, nursing a bruised arm with an ice pack. He looked up and saw Marissa, who right away ran to him. He dropped his ice pack and went to her and they hugged. Summer could see how much they really loved each other. It made Summer want Seth more.  
  
"Marissa....." Ryan whispered into Marissa's ear as they hugged. Marissa immediately fell into his arms. Summer walked nearer to them, growing more awkward with every step she took. Marissa let go of him.  
  
"Ryan, are you okay?" Marissa asked after seeing Ryan's arm.  
  
"I'm fine. How about you? Summer?" He questioned, clearly concerned about the two girls.  
  
"We're fine. But what did you do?" Marissa pointed to his hurt arm.  
  
"Oh, this?" It's nothing. I tried to take on the guys." It was just like Ryan. Always trying to be the hero.  
  
"You could've been killed." Marissa commented sternly.  
  
"But I didn't." Ryan offered as they walked back to the ambulance he had been sitting on. He reapplied the ice pack and they sat down.  
  
_I guess that's the way the story goes_  
  
_Will it ever make sense  
  
Somebody's got to know. . ._  
  
"Ryan, have you seen Cohen?" Summer asked. She had used Ryan's real name, for once.  
  
"No. I was hoping he had found you guys. I guess he didn't." Ryan answered sadly.  
  
"Coop, what if he's still in there?" Tears fell down Summer's face. She wanted to see Seth.  
  
"He'll be okay." Marissa reassured her, but it wasn't helping. They stared at the front door, waiting for Seth. But he wasn't coming out. Only panic-stricken students and teachers were. Seth wasn't amongst them. It chilled Summer to the bone, what was happening. Why? Why was this happening? What had they done so horribly wrong to deserve this? All this pain, for what? What had these guys achieved?  
  
Marissa began telling her tale to Ryan, who listened intently. He was afraid. How could this happen? Hadn't they had a sucky enough summer for this not to happen? Obviously not.  
  
"Where the hell is Cohen?" Summer interrupted Marissa. All Summer could think of was Seth.  
  
"What?" Marissa asked, not full hearing Summer.  
  
"Cohen hasn't come out. Why the hell hasn't he come out?" Summer was sick in worry.  
  
"Summer, he'll come out. It'll be okay." Ryan tried his luck at encouraging Summer.  
  
"How? How do you know that?" Ryan didn't have an answer. He was left speechless. There wasn't really any use lying. He didn't know if it would be okay. He didn't know what was gonna come next. No one did.  
  
_There's got to be more to life than this  
  
There's got to be more to everything  
  
I thought exists  
  
We are, we are, the youth of the nation. . ._  
  
Song: "Youth of the Nation" by P.O.D. 


	2. Finding Out

Kirsten sat in the kitchen sipping her coffee. Life was finally calming down, everything was okay. Sandy was somewhere in the house, typing something. Kirsten didn't mind being along, she kind of liked it. A time to reflect. Calmly, Kirsten got up to go to the other room. She felt she could reflect better while watching the drama that was soap operas. She wasn't a huge follower of them, so she'd have no clue what was happening, but that was fine. Sometimes in this case, not being clued in is funnier. She turned on the television, which was on Channel 3 so Seth could play his video games. There was a soap opera on, so Kirsten began to watch it. She was so engrossed by who was dating who, and who had an evil twin and who didn't that by the time it was over, she was left wanting more. And of course, some other show came on. So Kirsten started flipping through channels. She hadn't stared at the television for so long, it was relaxing. She found another soap quickly, and began to get engrossed in that. Right before you knew if Sarah Silverman would ever wake from her coma, the television screen changed to a breaking news image. Kirsten hadn't seen one of those in so long. Not since September 11th, and that had been big. The screen changed to a local newswoman.

"Sorry to interrupt the featured program, but there is some late breaking news. In the process now is _school shooting._" Wondering where it was, Kirsten listened intently on. "Word of this school shooting just came ten minutes ago and our chopper is already on the scene. A correspondent there says the school shooting at _Harbor High_ has been in progress for at least a half an hour." Kirsten's heart stopped. Harbor High? That was where Ryan and Seth were. Were they in trouble? Were they hurt? Kirsten put her hand to her mouth as they cut to the chopper view. She could see kids running out desperately and she tried to see Seth and Ryan, but couldn't. She prayed they were already out safe. Before she knew what was doing, Kirsten was screaming out for Sandy. He ran in, clearly confused.

"What? What is it?" He looked to Kirsten for answers. But all she could do was point at the television, holding back tears. She hadn't cried in for long, and she could feel the first one hit her cheek and run down her face. Sandy immediately knew what was transpiring, and asked, "Is that their school?" Kirsten nodded sadly as she watched as finally the police rushed in along with paramedics. They watched on for a bit, as the paramedics pulled person by person out on stretchers. "Let's go." Sandy left first, and Kirsten began to follow. She luckily was wearing regular clothes. She hated running around in pajamas. She turned off the television just as Seth Cohen was being pulled out of the school on a stretcher.

They got into the car, and Sandy pulled out. Harbor High was not a long drive from their home, Seth and Ryan rode there, but it was a lot longer drive to get there with traffic. Kirsten always wondered why her sons would ride to school, Ryan on his bike, Seth on his skateboard, because they has another car for them. But they got exercise, so it didn't bother Kirsten that much. Especially not now.

She couldn't think of anything else except their safety. She would only be relieved when she saw both their faces outside the school. Sandy continued driving slowly on, and Kirsten was growing impatient. She couldn't take it. She was ready to jump out of the car and run the rest of the way. But she didn't, and her in-growing impatience made her upset that she hadn't jumped out.

Sandy and Kirsten had finally reached close enough to the school so that they could park and walk the rest of the way. Or in Kirsten's case, run. The school was in focus and she saw that strangely police were just letting people in. Everyone except people with microphones or cameras. There were two helicopters in the sky, barely able to hear anything except the roar of them.

Kirsten rushed to the front of the school, with Sandy trailing closely behind. She was so desperate to find her boys. She scanned the place until she saw a glimpse of hope. A flash of sandy blonde hair. She followed her lead, praying that it was Ryan. Finally, the view came into focus. She saw Ryan. With Marissa and Summer. But no Seth.

Momentarily, she forgot about Seth and ran to Ryan. She hugged him and didn't want to let go. She was so amazed by how much had changed in a year and a few months. She had a second son. And then she remembered the first one.

"Where's Seth?" She asked Ryan, now with Sandy by her side. He held her hand, just in case.

"We don't know." Marissa answered for Ryan, who seemed not all that keen on talking.

"What do you mean you don't know? Did he come out?"

"We didn't see him." Ryan answered, softer than usual.

"Did he get hurt? Is he in an ambulance?" Kirsten was frantic.

"We don't know that either." Summer tackled the question. "The paramedics are hiding the identities of everyone who got hurt. They don't want the news people finding out." All three of the kids seemed so calm. Kirsten didn't understand they had just been through such a traumatic experience, and yet, there were so cool about it.

"Well, how we do know who's been hurt?" Sandy finally spoke.

"I don't know. I guess talk to a paramedic." Summer offered.

"Sandy, go do it." Kirsten ordered.

"Why me?" Sandy objected.

"Because I don't want to."

"Okay then. I'll be right back." Kirsten watched as her husband went to an ambulance. She looked away, not wanting to see the verdict. Instead, she looked to Ryan, Summer, and Marissa. They seemed so lost, and Kirsten wanted to help them, but she didn't know how. She had never gone through what they went through. She never dealt with what they dealt with. Especially Ryan. He had had a troubled upbringing, and her high school years were full of parties and fun. She never had to worry. She was the most popular girl, and dated the most popular guy. A little like Marissa a while ago, but it had been simple. Not like now.

She couldn't take the waiting. What was taking Sandy so long? If he didn't come back soon, she would. . . . .continue waiting. He was stronger than her. She wouldn't have been able to walk over and ask about Seth without breaking down. It was her son. The person she had raised. Was he okay? Was he hurt? Was he dead? All these thoughts raced through Kirsten's mind. She prayed Seth was okay, to be alive. She didn't know what she would do without him. Kirsten had barely made it through the month he had decided to go sailing without telling anyone. What would it be like without him forever? Kirsten didn't want to think about it. She had to stay positive. Sandy finally returned with a grim expression. She feared the worst. That he was dead.

"Kirsten. Ryan. Come on." That was all he said. Kirsten looked to Ryan for comfort. But his face bore no expression, it was just blank. Kirsten did as she was told, and followed. Marissa and Summer stood behind them, perplexed. Marissa was about to pull out her cell phone, which was in her pocket, but decided not to. She had left everything else behind. Summer had nothing. Not even a dad to call home to. Her father was on vacation with the "stepmonster." She had been staying with Marissa. Sandy took Ryan and Kirsten to the car. They got in, still confused.

"Sandy, is he okay or what?" Kirsten was sick of waiting for an answer. And she wanted one right now.

"All I know is that he's alive." Sandy finally announced, not looking over to Kirsten as he drove. Kirsten breathed a sigh of relief, happy to know her son was okay. She could hear Ryan fall into the seat behind her, letting relief wash over him. "I don't know what condition he's in, just that he's alive." Sandy commented. This made Kirsten worry again. Was Seth near death? Was he dying as they drove? Or was he already okay, ready to go home and get on with life? Sandy also had no real expression on his face, just like Ryan. What was it with guys and not showing emotion?

As they got closer to the hospital, Kirsten got more and more scared. What would Seth look like? But she didn't have any more time to think about it. Newport General was staring her right in the face.

Marissa and Summer watched as Sandy, Kirsten, and Ryan drove off to somewhere. Most likely the hospital, Marissa guessed. Her and Summer stood there awkward. They didn't know what to do or where to go, or at least Marissa didn't.

"Should we, like, follow them?" Summer asked, desperate to know how Seth was.

"No. I don't think we should. We'll call later." Marissa suggested. She couldn't deny it, she was worried about Seth also. They were related. He was her step-nephew. But more so, they were friends. And she cared.

"Shouldn't, like, the step-aunt's best friend or ex-girlfriend be the first to see him? Or at least, visit him in the morgue?" Summer broke down. She couldn't take it. She wanted to know if Seth was okay.

"Sum, calm down. He'll be okay. Why don't we go to my dad's or even my mom's? I don't care." Marissa just wanted to leave.

"Either way, we won't be any closer to Cohen." Summer commented stubbornly.

"Yes, we will." Marissa answered matter-of-factly.

"How?"

"My dad is dating his aunt. And my mom is surprisingly still married to his granddad."

"Oh, right. Which one do you wanna go to?" Summer was too upset to decide. All her stuff was at Caleb and Julie Nichol's house, but Marissa's mom was just...weird.

"I don't really wanna deal with my mom right now." Marissa didn't want her mother obsessing over her at the moment. She was worried about Seth too much.

"Your dad's it is." Summer said.

"Sum, I don't have my keys. There in my purse, which is in there." Both Summer and Marissa looked to the front entrance of the school. Not long before students had been running out terrified. And then paramedics pulled out the bodies. So many bodies. Dead or alive, they didn't know. Just, they deducted, Seth had been on one of the stretchers.

"So call your dad. He won't mind. But, Coop, I really don't wanna stay here much longer." Summer blinked back tears. Everywhere around them was sadness. There were so many people crying. So many lives destroyed.

"Same here. Just hold on, let me call him." Marissa said. She took the phone out of her pocket. Her hands trembled as she began to dial her father's phone number. She didn't understand it, but she was afraid.

"Hello?" Jimmy answered. Marissa swallowed and took a deep breath. "Hello?" She was taking too long.

"Hey Dad." Marissa managed to choke out before her tears began falling again.

"Hey kiddo. Why aren't you in school?" Her father asked, wondering why his daughter was calling.

"I am. Well, I'm at. But Dad, can you pick me and Summer up?" Marissa could barely get through the conversation.

"Well, sure. But don't you have your car?" Jimmy wasn't understanding Marissa.

"I don't have my keys." Marissa took another deep breath.

"Why don't you have your keys, honey?" Jimmy seemed confused.

"You haven't been watching the news, Dad, have you?" Marissa asked. Her dad didn't know.

"No, I haven't. What's wrong, Marissa?"

"Can you just please pick us up?" Marissa didn't want to tell her dad what happened over the phone.

"Sure, I guess. I'll be over in a few minutes. I'll see you then. Bye." Her dad was still a little suspicious.

"I love you Dad." A new reality had settled in. Any moment could be their last. They weren't invincible. They were mortal. Marissa wanted her dad to know exactly how she felt about him. It could be the last time they would ever talk. Marissa didn't know. But she did know she didn't want to regret no saying it to him.

"I love you too, kiddo." Jimmy sounded touched. She wanted him to feel that way. She would love him no matter what. They could never go back to that innocent time when she was younger and they were closer. A lot had changed since then, but Marissa would love her dad all the same.

The two hung up and tears fell down both girls' eyes. Summer wanted her father so badly, but she couldn't. He was away, hanging with his wife on some far away beach. Marissa looked back over to the front doors. Police were blocking it off with yellow tape. Marissa shuddered. How could they go back in there? How could they learn while knowing people died in that building? What would it feel like sitting in a chair that a person died in? How could they walk down the halls without remembering all the terror that three people had caused? What would it feel like if someone had died at your locker? How could you go ten minutes in that place without thinking about it? About all the pain and sadness. About all the lives ruined.

Marissa watched her father's car pull in. She called for Summer, who immediately ran ro Marissa's side. Her father got out of his car and looked around. Confusion was written plainly on his face. Marissa wiped her tears and ran to him. She hugged him right away, half not wanting to let go. Marissa was so happy to see him. Summer stood awkward in the background, having no one to hug. No Dad, no Seth, no one. She was jealous of Marissa, but of course, she always had been. No matter how she acted. Marissa had a dad who loved her and was there, a guy who loved her no matter what. Summer's father cared more about his wife, and when Summer would whine about not being loved, he'd shove a new credit card under her nose. And that only temporarily pleased her. Marissa had everything. All the popularity, the most caring parents, and Ryan. Ryan cared for her so much. And Summer didn't even know if Seth cared about her. For a while, he had stopped bugging her. Secretly, Summer loved being bugged by Seth. He used to love her a lot. But then, he must have realized that she wouldn't stop ignoring him. He gave up on her. So Summer was left with no one. Not even a pet.

"What happened here?" Jimmy asked after he let go of Marissa.

"Dad, there's no real nice way to explain this, but there was a shooting." Marissa stared into her father's eyes as they filled with fear.

"Oh my God. Are you okay? Of course you are, because you're right here. Summer? Are you all right? Everything okay? Not injured or anything?" Jimmy looked over to Summer.

"I'm fine." Summer answered. For a second there, Summer had felt loved. Marissa's father had cared enough to ask if she was all right.

"What about everyone else? Where are they?" Jimmy was deeply concerned.

"Ryan is fine and he's with the Cohens..." Marissa didn't know if anyone else was okay. She hadn't seen anyone else she was super friends with. Because, well, she only had three best friends. And that was Summer, Ryan, and Seth.

"What about Seth?" Marissa didn't know how to answer. She didn't know how Seth was. "Marissa?"

"We don't know anything about Seth." Marissa finally answered. "We think he's at the hospital. At least, that's where the Cohens went, we think."

"Wow. Well, come on. I'm gonna take you guys home." Jimmy lead the way to his car. Mentioning Seth had been difficult. It just made it worse, being in the dark. Seth could be dead, and they wouldn't know. Summer and Marissa held hands, squeezing each other's according to all the pain they hurt. So their hands were in a lot of pain.

They reached the car and got in. Marissa in the passenger seat, Summer in the back seat. None of them said a word on the way to Jimmy's house. Summer stared out the window and looked at the perfect houses, with the perfect lawns, and the perfect people inside the perfect house. But nothing in Newport was perfect. Everything had flaws.

Jimmy pulled in. They were there. They got out and entered. The events that had happened no so long ago seemed so far away, distant, like it happened years ago. They got in the house. It looked the same exact way Marissa remembered it. Nothing had changed, yet she had changed so much. Hailey walked in, pulling her hair back. Her head was down so she didn't see all of them.

"So Jimmy, what was up with Marissa. . ." Hailey looked up. "Oh hey guys." She finished putting her hair back. She was surprised to see Marissa and Summer standing in front fo her along with Jimmy.

"Hailey, there was a shooting at the school." Jimmy went right to the point. No leading away, no softening it up, just straight forward.

"Holy crap. Are you guys okay?" Marissa and Summer nodded. "What about Ryan and Seth?" She looked to the girls for the answer.

"Ryan is fine. We don't know about Seth." Marissa was sick of explaining how they were. She wanted to know how Seth was. She wanted a drink to numb the pain she felt. Hailey stared blankly at Marissa and Summer, thinking about something.

"I'm gonna call Kirsten." Hailey finally announced and went to find the phone. Jimmy followed, but Marissa and Summer decided to sit on the couch, wanting to sink into it and sleep.

"Hailey, are you sure you wanna call her now?" Jimmy argued with Hailey in the kitchen.

"Yes, Jimmy, I am. I'm not gonna sit here worrying about Seth. He's my nephew. I wanna know." Hailey finished the argument and called Kirsten. "Hey, Kirsten. . . . . . . Listen, I know this might not be the best time, but I wanted to know how Seth was. . . . . . . Yeah, Marissa and Summer are here. At Jimmy's. So how is he?. . . . . . . Well, that's good. . . . . . . Oh no. He'll be okay, right?. . . . . . . Any way that we could see him ?. . . . . . . .Oh, he's still in. . . . . . . Tomorrow? Are you sure?. . . . . . . Okay, well, I'll go tell Marissa and Summer and Jimmy. If he wakes up, tell him to get better. And that I love him. We'll be by tomorrow. . . . . . .Okay. Love you. Bye, Kirsten." Hailey hung up.

"Well?" Jimmy asked in anticipation.

"I'll tell you in the living room. With Summer and Marissa." Hailey began to walk into the living room and Jimmy followed. Marissa and Summer hadn't heard the conversation and they desperately waited for word on Seth.

"Is he okay?" Marissa immediately asked when Hailey and Jimmy entered.

"Yes and no." Hailey started.

"What's wrong?" Summer questioned.

"Well, he got shot. But. . .he's alive. And he's in surgery now." Hailey continued.

"Why is he in surgery?"

"They're removing the bullet. But he should be okay, and we can see him tomorrow." Hailey tried to end on a good note.

"That long?" Obviously she hadn't, according to Marissa.

"It's only a day. Calm down."

"Calm down?" Marissa was sick of calming down, so she wasn't taking it so easy.. "Calm down? Our friend almost _died._ In something that more than one person died in. I watched someone die. In my arms. See this blood? It's not mine!" Marissa began to cry. "We saw stuff that we would've never thought we'd see first hand. We went through something you can't even _imagine _how horrible it was. And you're telling me to calm down? I can't calm down. Not after what I saw." Marissa was standing now, full of anger. All the pain she had tried to suppress had come back. Salty tears cascaded down her troubled face. She trembled with anger and had to get out. "Excuse me. "She barely muttered before running to her room. Marissa knew she had hidden some liquor in there somewhere.


	3. Visit

Ryan jerked awake. It was night, about two in the morning, and he sat in one of those uncomfortable hospital chairs. He refused to go back to the Cohens. He wanted to be by his brother. Seth had yet to wake up, but Ryan knew he would. What Ryan didn't know was why this happened. He couldn't understand it. Innocent people were dead because some guys felt like getting revenge. Seth almost died because some asshole was upset.

Moonlight shone on Seth's emotionless face. He looked at peace. That made Ryan feel a little better. He knew he couldn't have done anything to stop what had happened. Ryan was nowhere near Seth when it happened. Maybe there was something, like before today, but Ryan didn't know what. He couldn't blame himself. And he usually did.

Ryan looked over to where Kirsten and Sandy were sleeping. Sandy had begged Kirsten and Ryan to go back home, but both refused. But knowing the comfort level of this chair, Ryan would have to think his decision a bit more than this time. Ryan hadn't slept much. Partially due to this chair, the other half due to earlier events. Images of the scene would somehow find their way into Ryan's dreams that he had. And Ryan was excruciatingly tired. The event, as he sometimes referred to it, had left him wanting to sleep, but not able to. Ryan shifted in his seat to try to get comfortable so he could sleep. But no position was very comfortable, so Ryan gave up for the time being. He was already awake.

Ryan looked out the window. Outside, everything seemed silent, while inside, heart monitors and other equipment beeped every other second. He longed for Marissa. He wanted to hold her and they could let go of all their pain. He knew Marissa had seen things he had not, and Ryan wanted to help her forget those images. But those images were not easily forgotten. Ones like the ones they had seen would be with them forever. When their lives flashed before their eyes when they were about to die, maybe an image of earlier this day would find its way into the lineup. Ryan wondered if Seth had seen his life flash in front of him. Had he thought he would die? How had his shooting happened? What was the last thing he saw? Ryan strangely wanted to know the answers to these questions, but he couldn't ask Seth when he woke up. It would be too hard. The pain would be too strong, too vivid for anyone to handle. Ryan would ask when Seth was ready to answer. And that certainly wouldn't be when he woke up.

Almost the only thing Ryan could think of was the incident. It disturbed him, but then it made him think of his family. His mom, dad, Trey. What were they doing? Ryan hadn't thought of them for so long. He hadn't had a need to. Life had been okay for the last few months. He hadn't seen his mother since the day after Casino Night. And that was over a year ago. Ryan wondered where she was and what she was doing. Was she happy? Did she ever think of Ryan? Did she miss him? Ryan remembered when they were a family. All four of them. His mom, his dad, Trey, and him. Life hadn't been that bad. It had been okay. But once his dad went to jail, everything went downhill. His mom drank and dated abusive guys, Trey tried to be the man of the house but failed, and Ryan hung out with Theresa more and more. So much was different.

Everyone was visiting tomorrow. Or rather today, according to what time it was. Jimmy, Hailey, Marissa and Summer. Kirsten had informed him about it earlier that day. He hadn't seen them since the shooting. And he only saw them for a tiny bit. He had been in his classroom on the second floor. The minute he heard the gunshot, he ran. Everyone else was confused, but he knew. Growing up in Chino, you learn a thing or two about shootings. Ryan and Theresa used to pretend they were running away from cops and their guns. He knew to get away as fast as you possibly could when hearing a gunshot. His room was in the middle of the hallway, so he just chose a way to run. He was one of the first people that ran. He saw the shooter, and the shooter saw him. He aimed and shot, but Ryan was quicker. He was out of the way and he was pissed. So he tried his luck at taking the guy. He slammed hard into him, taking him down. But the guy started hitting him with his gun, but not using it. Either this shooter had been strong, or adrenaline was coursing through his veins, but the guy threw Ryan into a locker. Hard. That's how Ryan hurt his arm. The shooter looked at his once more, and then shot. Obviously the shooter had thought he hit Ryan in the shoulder, but it didn't hit him. So the shooter began shooting every other way but at Ryan. So Ryan took his chance and ran. Even when he reached the ground floor, the halls weren't that crowded. People were still hiding in their rooms, afraid of what was outside. Ryan had gotten out fairly fast, but cops and ambulances were already there. Ryan had taken a look at his arm and found it was slightly bleeding. He was about to walk it off even though he was in severe pain, but a paramedic saw him first. He ushered Ryan to an ambulance and looked over his arm. Then the paramedic gave Ryan an ice pack and left to help others. He had been sitting there barely a minute when Marissa shouted his name. Everything had happened so sudden, yet it felt like every second was an hour. It had already been an hour since Ryan woke up, and he was hungry. So he went in search of a vending machine.

Even though it was the dead of night, the hospital was still working like it was the middle of the day. Emergencies don't take a break. Especially after the school shooting. People were rushing around, not even taking notice to Ryan. He headed to the elevator and got in. He pushed the button for the ground level. Ryan was the only one in the elevator. All alone.

The doors opened to reveal the ground floor and a vending machine off in the distance. Ryan hurried to it in the dark. No one was there, the gift shop and cafeteria closed. He'd never seen the hospital so empty. Ryan shoved money into the machine and chose a snack, then got a drink in the next machine. He didn't really prefer to be all alone in a huge, dark area that anyone could really walk right in. So he got his stuff and rushed back to the elevator. It took forever since somehow it had gotten on the top level. Ryan began getting antsy waiting for it. Finally, it came(after also stopping on the seventh floor), and he ran in. He closed his eyes as it began to go up. He was still tired, and probably could fall asleep right there in the elevator. It might be more comfortable than the chair in Seth's room. Again the doors opened and Ryan got out, eyes open. He was a tad bit confused on where he was since he wasn't used to hospitals. But eventually he found Seth's room.

Nothing had changed, all three Cohens still sleeping soundly. He smiled at this, knowing that this was what he was a part of. Ryan took his seat, and a sip of his drink, getting drowsier by the second. Just 24 hours ago, he was sleeping in the Cohens' pool house, having no clue about what would come in the next ten hours. No clue about what would happen to Seth as they got to school, said their "see ya later"'s and departed. No clue that their "see ya later" might have been their last goodbye.

Ryan woke up hours later, the sun up, Kirsten and Sandy awake. Seth still lie on the bed as still as before. Ryan blinked and checked his watch. It read ten in the morning, the longest he slept in a while without waking up from a nightmare of the school. Sandy wasn't in the room, but Kirsten still sat in her chair, staring out the window. Ryan shifted in his seat, trying to be quiet, but Kirsten noticed. She looked his way, found him awake, and smiled.

"Oh Ryan. Good, you're awake. Did you sleep well?" She asked him in a normal tome, like nothing was wrong. But then again, maybe there wasn't.

"How can you in these chairs?" Ryan joked.

"Yeah, I guess so."

"Has he woken up?" Ryan asked, looking over to the sleeping Seth.

"No, not yet. But he should. Sandy is out talking to the doctor trying to find out when we can take him home." Kirsten also looked to Seth.

"Oh. So when is Hailey and everyone coming over?" Ryan wanted to know.

"Well, Hailey called not all that long ago, to see if Seth had woken up, but he hasn't. And she said they would be over here soon." Kirsten answered.

"Cool." Ryan commented, not knowing what else to say. Their conversation had run dry. Ryan wasn't much of a talker, Seth was, and conversations were usually short with Ryan. Especially without Seth. Ryan could hear Sandy outside, talking to a doctor. He finished and appeared at the door.

"Oh, you're up Ryan. Good." Sandy said after seeing Ryan awake.

"Sandy, when can we take him home?" Kirsten asked urgently, ready to leave.

"It all depends on when he wakes up, and if he's fully ready to go home." Sandy answered.

"Why won't he wake up? I want to leave." Kirsten complained.

"Kirsten, he's in shock. Give him some time." Sandy defended. Ryan watched the conservation go on, without having to say a word.

"You know I hate hospitals." Kirsten commented.

"I know you do, but this is Seth. You're gonna have to get over your fear for him. At least until he gets out."

"I guess so. But I'm gonna take a walk. My legs are so stiff." Kirsten got up and walked out of the room. Ryan had yet to get up, but he didn't have anywhere to go. No one to see either.

"You know, I have to agree with Kirsten. I wish Seth would wake up so we can leave." Sandy commented as he took a seat next to Seth. "I don't like them. What about you, Ry?"

"They're okay." Ryan answered. He remembered when he was eight. It was Christmas day at the Atwood house. Trey had just gotten a baseball bat, to help his dream of being a pro baseball player. The dream was short lived, but then when Trey really wanted to be a baseball player, he and Ryan decided to go outside to play, Ryan using the horribly beaten up glove and a years old ball. The two had been having fun for a while, until Ryan said he wanted to use the bat. Trey said no, so Ryan went over to get it from him. They began fighting; Hitting, screaming, kicking. Trey was bigger, so he had the advantage. The last thing Ryan remembered was a deathly pain in the back of his head before blacking out. As it was, Trey had used the bat and in defense, used Ryan's head as the ball. From what Dawn had told Ryan, he had been bleeding so they had to go to the hospital. Trey had quite a hard swing. The blow had actually cracked Ryan's skull. Ryan woke up about an hour after the blow with his head screaming. He couldn't remember where he was or anything, and he was afraid. He got up and began to run away, only to be stopped by a doctor. Ryan kicked and screamed and flailed, until finally his mother gave them the okay to give Ryan a sedative. His whole body went limp, and no one caught him as he fell to the floor with a lovely thud.

"Ryan?" Sandy's voice tore Ryan away from his memory. He looked to Sandy, who was now standing. "I think Hailey and everyone else are here." Ryan followed Sandy out the door and into the hall. He was right. Hailey was hugging Kirsten with Jimmy next to them, as Marissa and Summer sat on chairs by the wall. Marissa was looking down the hallway, away from Ryan, and Summer was looking down.

"Hi Sandy, Ryan. How are you guys doing?" Hailey asked, catching Marissa's attention. Marissa shot around, and saw Ryan, her face lighting up.

"We're pretty good. How about you?" Sandy answered. Marissa got up and looked at Ryan. She wanted to hug him, but not in front of everyone.

"Can we please see Seth?" Summer asked annoyingly, sick of waiting.

"Sure. Come on." Sandy said, leading them into the room. They all followed, Ryan bringing up the rear. Seth hadn't moved since Ryan had last looked at him. He still lie there, sleeping. Nobody said a word for a bit, just staring at him. Ryan stopped looking and put his gaze out the window. It was as if Seth was like a zoo animal, ready for everyone to gawk at. Ryan watched the cars speed by on the road. He wondered where the cars were headed, what was lying in store for them. Then he thought about all the people who died in the shooting. It was sad to think about their families, people having to set up a funeral. For their son or daughter, sister or brother, cousin, niece or nephew.

"When is he getting released?" Hailey asked, the only one who seemed to talk.

"Depends on how he feels when he wakes up." Kirsten answered.

"Which is?" Hailey pressed on.

"Any time." Everyone continued to stare as Ryan still looked outside. Summer sank into a chair next to Seth, staring at him desperately. _At least he's okay, _she thought, _he's not dead._ But it didn't make her feel any better. She wanted to talk to him, to apologize. She didn't want to watch him sleep. But still she did. Jimmy stopped, feeling a little strange, being the only one not very close to Seth. He left the room, hanging out outside. Hailey noticed and followed.

"Hey." Marissa greeted Ryan. She began to stare out the window like him. He looked over at her, surprised. He went back to looking out the window, not saying anything. "It's all over the news." Marissa told Ryan.

"What is?" He asked, not knowing what she was talking about.

"The shooting. Somehow, the papers got a hold on the list of people hurt, so they're publishing the whole list of everyone who's dead or injured." Marissa seemed to have recovered form the night before. She passed out drunk on her floor. Summer luckily found her first and had to get her on the bed. How Summer did get Marissa on the bed, neither knew. Marissa had woken up with a bad hangover, and found Summer sleeping on the couch. "I guess Seth's gonna be on the list." She added.

"Yeah, I guess he will be." Ryan commented, not knowing what else to say. He cared for Marissa so much, but lately, it was just weird. He wanted to hug her, but then he felt it wasn't right. It wasn't the right time. But when was the right time?

"Ryan, I feel really bad for the way I've acted. Ya know, like not caring." Marissa tried to apologize.

"Don't be." Ryan played it cool, acting like it wasn't a big deal.

"Well I do." Marissa waited for Ryan to say something, but he didn't. He didn't feel like talking, but Marissa did. "Ryan, are you even paying attention?"

"Yeh, I am." Ryan answered, yet to look over at Marissa again.

"Then how come it feels like I'm the only one giving in to this conversation?" Marissa was getting annoyed.

"I don't know."

"I'll see you later Ryan." Marissa gave up and walked away. Ryan sighed. That wasn't the way he wanted the conversation to go. Or had he? He didn't know what he wanted. Marissa confused him. He understood everything until he saw Marissa. Then things mixed with things and sometimes he forgot what he was doing. She did that to him. But so did Theresa. Ryan wondered how she was doing. It had been a month or two since he saw her. The baby was due soon, and they would finally know who the father was. Ryan knew he should she her soon. So he decided tomorrow. Seth should be out by then, and he knew tomorrow was Theresa's day off. And if it was all right, Ryan would try to get her to stay in the Cohens' pool house. What would happen if she went into labor with no one around? That wouldn't be good.

"So, how are you, Chino?" Ryan turned around to find just him, Summer, and of course Seth in the room. Summer had a few tears staining her face.

"I'm pretty good. How about you?" Ryan walked over, getting closer to Seth.

"I'm okay, I guess. I just can't believe that _this_ happened. I mean, I didn't think that there were people more _alone_ than Cohen. And that they were so evil that they would just kill innocent people." Summer continued to stare longingly at Seth.

"I guess you never know until it happens." Ryan commented.

"Yeah. But you're used to this, right? There had to be tons of shootings in Chino."

"Never one at school." Summer was right. There was a good handful of shootings in Chino.

"Right." Silence overtook them. Summer stared at Seth, while Ryan sat down and stared at his hands. He didn't know what to say, and neither did she. Ryan and Summer never really had a talk between the two. Even if they might have, it was short-lived. Seth or Marissa would always turn up somehow. But Marissa was nowhere in sight, and Seth was still asleep. Which was strange. Ryan had known Seth to be a heavy sleeper, just a few weeks ago, he slept right through first period. Ryan had thought Seth left early, but no. Seth had slept right through his alarm. But still, Seth should've woken up by now. How drugged up was he? Ryan looked into the hall. He couldn't see anyone he knew. He thought he saw Marissa, but it wasn't her. He wanted to leave so he could get away from the awkwardness that was around him. But he wanted to wait for someone he knew, then pretend to chase them down and leave. "So when is Cohen waking up?" Summer asked, pulling Ryan out of his thoughts

"What?" Summer had taken Ryan by surprise.

"When is Cohen supposed to wake up?" Summer reiterated, sounding annoyed.

"I don't know. Whenever, I guess." Ryan answered. He looked over at Seth. It was strange to watch him sleep. He was so silent. It had been over a day without Seth's babble. Over a day of just watching Seth sleep.

"Well, it better be soon. I hate just watching him."

"Yeah, I know." Ryan agreed. They had something in common. But again silence overtook them and Ryan looked out the window. He didn't see Summer looking at him.

"Do you ever miss Chino? Like, regret coming back?" Ryan looked over. It was a strange question.

"Every time I think about Theresa." He answered as he looked down. He didn't know why he answered so truthfully and candidly. Ryan hadn't had time to think of a shield, so he just told the truth.

"You're gonna have to choose someday." Summer commented.

"Choose what?" Ryan was confused.

"Between Marissa and Theresa. You're gonna have to choose someday. They're not gonna wait forever."

"Since when have you given out romantic advice to me?" Ryan questioned.

"Since I got sick of watching Cohen sleep." Summer lightened up the mood. Ryan laughed and she smiled. It felt like they were friends, which they never were fully. They didn't talk a lot to each other. They were more friends by association. "I wonder where everyone went. They haven't been in here for a while." Summer said.

"I don't know." Ryan commented.

"I'm gonna go see if I can find Coop or somebody." Summer got up and left Ryan all alone with Seth. It felt awkward. It wasn't like the night before. It was supposed to be quiet then. With Ryan sitting alone, it was eerily quiet. He prayed Seth would wake up soon. Just so the silence would go away. Usually Ryan didn't mind the silence, but now, it irked him severely. It didn't go away, and Ryan sat there staring at his hands, the window, anywhere but at Seth. Summer didn't return, nor did anyone else. Ryan got up and looked out the window. He looked down at the people standing in front of the hospital. Nurses, parents, children, all waiting for rides, or talking on a cell phone, or getting a smoke in. But as Ryan watched, the silence grew more and more on his nerves. The beeping of the heart monitor was the only thing making noise., and Ryan was ready to rip it out fo the wall. He wanted to be outside. He took a deep breath and shut his eyes. The beeping was too much. Silence never bugged him. He was okay with it, but this time, it was terribly annoying. He thought about Summer's question. Then he thought about his family, when there was a family. It was so long ago. Then he thought about Theresa. And Marissa. He would have to choose sometime.

"I'll be back." Ryan said to Seth and then walked out. He walked past Marissa, Summer, everyone. He got into the elevator. It took him to the ground floor and out the front doors he went. Ryan didn't run away, he just stood there. Hearing the cars and the people talk was heaven. Watching the cars, the adults, the children. After a while, he sat on a bench and continued staring out into the parking lot and beyond. He stared until darkness came and the rain fell.


	4. No Response

Ryan stared at Theresa's house. He was in the Cohens' Range Rover getting up the nerve to go knock on the door. He was nervous, having not seen Theresa for well over a month. But it was now or never. Ryan got out of the car and headed to the door. He didn't knock at first, afraid to. But, much to Ryan's surprise, the door opened and Theresa had already enveloped him in a hug.

"Oh Ryan, thank God you're okay." She said as she continued to hug him. He didn't hug back, still in amazement. Finally, she let go and Ryan could look at her. He could tell she was pregnant. Definitely.

"How did you know I was at the door?" Ryan asked, perplexed.

"I saw you come out of your car from in my room." She confessed. "But how are you? Did you get hurt? I got the newspaper yesterday and the shooting was all over the front page. I've been waiting for today's issue to see if you got hurt. I wanted to call, but I didn't feel it was right." She said urgently.

"Well, I'm okay. But Seth got hurt." Ryan tried to calm her down.

"Is he all right?" Theresa was very concerned.

"He should be coming home today. After he wakes up." Ryan again tried to put her mind at ease.

"He hasn't woken up?" She inquired.

"No."

"Here, come in. I'll put some coffee on." Theresa disappeared inside the house and Ryan followed. He took a seat on the couch as she went to the kitchen to start coffee. A few minutes later she came back out, with two cups. Theresa handed him a cup and sat on the couch next to him. "So..." She didn't know what to say.

"I wanted to see how you were doing." Ryan told her of his true intentions of coming.

"Well, I'm good. Still pregnant." she joked.

"How far are you?" He asked, looking to her stomach.

"Seven months. I'm due in January." Theresa smiled at Ryan.

"Do you know the gender?" Ryan wondered.

"I want it to be a surprise." Ryan didn't say anything after that, deep in thought. As hard as he tried to think of something else, he couldn't. "What's up?"

"Nothing. Just.......thinking." Ryan didn't look over, staring at the wall.

"About?" But Theresa already knew the answer.

"About...what happened. I mean, Seth almost died, and plenty of others did. And, it's like we have to go back to that school. It's just...weird, I guess." Ryan answered. He was so confused. But then again, when wasn't he nowadays?

"I know I wasn't there or anything, but I know you'll get through this." Theresa tried to cheer Ryan up. Ryan was about to say something, but his cell phone rang.

"It's Sandy." He said as he checked the phone. He pressed answer and put the phone to his ear. "Hello?"

"Hey Ryan. It's Sandy. Where are you?" Sandy asked.

"I'm at Theresa's. Why? What's up?" Ryan wondered why Sandy was calling.

"We just got a call from the hospital saying they wanted to talk to us. Can you get over there?" Sandy sounded as though he was driving.

"I guess. Sure." Ryan answered.

"All right. I'll see you then. Bye." Sandy hung up.

"Bye." Now Ryan was really confused. What was up at the hospital? Was Seth okay?

"What was up with that?" Theresa asked after Ryan hung up.

"I have to go. Sandy wants me at the hospital, I don't know what's up. I guess I'll talk to you later." Ryan began to leave.

"Ryan, wait." Ryan turned around. "Can I come? I kinda wanna see Seth."

"Sure. Come on." Ryan led the way out and to the car. He pulled out, and they drove in silence. Ryan's mind was too preoccupied to talk. He wondered what was up with Seth. Sandy hadn't sounded like Seth was getting released. It sounded as though something was wrong.

The road to the hospital was long and silent. A few times, Theresa looked as though she wanted to say something, but she shut her mouth as the last minute. Ryan kept his eyes on the road, waiting for his turn. He amazed himself by knowing the way to the hospital from Theresa's. He never reached the hospital from Chino. But nevertheless, they reached the hospital and hurried to Seth's floor. Ryan looked around and found Sandy and Kirsten sitting on chairs outside Seth's room.

"How is he?"Ryan asked when he and Theresa reached them.

"We don't know. The doctor said he'd be out in a couple of minutes." Kirsten answered without looking up. When she did, she noticed Theresa right away. "Theresa. What are you doing here?"

"I was at her house when Sandy called." Ryan said.

"I wanted to see how Seth was. I saw the newspaper yesterday and I was worried." Theresa answered after seeing Kirsten's confused face.

"Oh. Theresa, how far are you in your pregnancy?" Kirsten wanted to know.

"Seven months." Theresa answered.

"You know, you're more than welcome to stay with us. At least, until the baby is due. When does you maternity leave start?" Kirsten offered.

"Maternity leave? I hadn't really though of it." Theresa told Kirsten. Sandy nudged Kirsten in the back and Kirsten turned around. The doctor was there. The doctor smiled and nodded. Sandy followed the doctor as he walked away.

"Ryan, come on. You're family." Kirsten urged Ryan to follow.

"Be right back Theresa." He said goodbye and she took a seat in front of Seth's room. Kirsten and Ryan followed, but it wasn't far. The doctor stopped walking.

"Mr. Cohen, Mrs. Cohen. Are you Seth's brother?" The doctor started and looked to Ryan, who nodded. "Anyways, last night as nurse, uh, found something of possible importance. She informed the night shift doctor who began running tests on him, and I concluded them. What we discovered was that...." The doctor didn't know how to phrase what he wanted to say.

"What?" Sandy questioned.

"I'm terribly sorry, but Seth...has....fallen into a coma." Everything seemed to be silent. Tears formed in Kirsten's eyes, and she fell into Sandy for support. She couldn't believe this. Her baby. Her son. A coma. He was a vegetable. This wasn't what Kirsten wanted to hear. She wanted to take him home. She wanted him to be okay, responsive.

Ryan leaned on the wall. He didn't know what to say. Everything was going wrong. As soon as something was good, things had to fall apart again. There was no happiness. It was only temporary. Ryan worried about Seth. He was stuck inside himself, not able to move, to talk. He was paralyzed.

"How long is he gonna be in it?" Sandy asked, somehow finding strength. But inside, he was extremely upset. He couldn't let Kirsten know he was weak. She needed him.

"It could be a day, a week, a month, or even a year. There is no approximate amount of time for a person to stay in a coma. It differs every time. Some people never even wake up." The doctor didn't provide much help.

"He'll wake up, won't he?" Kirsten asked, sadly.

"We're very certain that he will. We just don't know when." Some comfort came from the answer. Eventually, he would wake up.

"You can go see him now. You just have to be careful on what you talk about in the room. Hopefully, people in comas do hear everything that we say. And again, I'm terribly sorry." The doctor made his quick exit and left the Cohens and Ryan. Ryan made his way back to Theresa. She'd want to know, and he'd have to tell her. Every step was torture. It was one step closer to Theresa. One step closer to the comatose Seth. Right then, he'd give anything to hear one of Seth's wisecracks. Anything to lighten up the darkness he was shrouded in.

"What? What's up with Seth?" Theresa asked right when Ryan got near. She got up and looked into his blue eyes and saw pain and sadness. He looked at her and could see the concern on her face. Ryan didn't want to tell her, or anyone for that matter. He wanted to run and be as far as he could be from the hospital. "Ryan? What's wrong?" Theresa asked again when he didn't answer.

"He's, he's in a coma." Ryan finally answered as he collapsed into a chair. He couldn't stand up anymore, it hurt him too much. He looked inside Seth's room. Ryan could see him. Sleeping. No, not sleeping. He was paralyzed. Dead to the world. No escape.

"Oh God. How long?" Theresa asked, sitting down next to Ryan, staring at him.

"Nobody knows. Could be a day, could be a month, could be a fucking year." Ryan was pissed. It wasn't fair. What had Seth done to deserve this? Nothing.

"Ryan, it'll be okay. Just, calm down. You guys will get through it." Theresa attempted to reassure him.

"Some people never wake up. What if that's Seth? What if he never wakes up? What if he's gonna be living on that bed for the rest of his life? It's like he's alive. But he's dead. Can't move. Can't talk. Can't even open his freaking eyes." Ryan let his fear become heard. He usually never did this, but he was afraid. What would happen next?

"Ryan, just calm down. It's gonna be okay. He's gonna wake up." Theresa still tried to reassure him.

"Nobody knows that for sure." Ryan never looked to Theresa. He continued staring forward, into Seth's room. Theresa didn't know what else to say. All her attempts at helping Ryan, were, well, not helping. Ryan seemed lost, alone, confused. Like he was just unhelpable. He didn't listen to a thing Theresa said, and Theresa was worried. She knew he was upset, but he had to think positive.

"Ryan, listen to me. That would mean looking at me." Ryan finally tore his gaze from Seth's room, and looked at Theresa. "Ryan, it's gonna be okay. You need to think positive. He's gonna wake up. I don't know when, but he will. You can't lose all hope right away. If everyone lost all hope when something went bad, where would we be today? He's gonna wake up." Theresa tried one last time.

"I'm just worried," was all Ryan could say.

"I know you are, and I am too. But, it's gonna be okay." Theresa smiled at Ryan.

"Do you wanna see him?" Ryan asked.

"Are we allowed?"

"Sure. We just have to be careful on what we say. Supposedly, he can hear everything." Ryan was back.

"Okay." Theresa said and they got up. They tiptoed into the room, afraid to make any noise. And on the bed, the comatose Seth lie, not able to do anything. Theresa hoped he could at least hear them. At least he would know he was loved. She had never seen someone in a coma, except for actors on television. Though it wasn't different from watching someone sleep, but, in a coma, you can't respond to anything.

Ryan stared at his brother. It was strange to know that he was in a coma. What was it like to be in a coma? Another question for Ryan to ask when Seth came to.

"Hey Seth. It's Ryan. I'm here with Theresa. She came to see you." Ryan sat down next to Seth. "We've been pretty worried about you." Ryan realized he shouldn't have said that. "But we shouldn't be, because you're gonna be okay. Summer and Marissa were over yesterday, along with Hailey and Jimmy. I don't know if they're coming today. It's still pretty early, so maybe they will." It was strange talking to someone you knew wouldn't talk back. A one way conversation. Ryan looked to Theresa for help, but she didn't provide any. Theresa didn't say anything; she had taken to looking out the window. So Ryan was left talking to Seth. Ryan felt awkward. He could pretend Seth was just sleeping, about to wake up, but he couldn't. It was a lie. The truth was that Seth was alone while they watched on. Ryan felt bad for this, knowing that maybe Seth could hear them, but couldn't do a thing. Ryan didn't say anymore. He couldn't handle it. He walked out of the room, with Theresa tailing him.

"What's wrong, Ryan?" Theresa asked. She looked at him with concern, as he stared at the wall in front of him.

"I can't do it." before Theresa could ask, he continued. "I mean, I can't talk to him like everything's all right when it isn't. I can't talk to him normally when I know he could be like that forever."

"I know it's hard, but you'll get through this. Just stay positive." Ryan didn't say anything to this; he didn't feel like arguing. Ryan just took a seat, and watched the storm begin.

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Many hours later, the storm still raged on. It had stopped for a few hours, only a breather between storms. It was dark, a few hours until it became light again. Her eyes hadn't closed, for she wasn't tired. Sadness had taken over her ever since the day before. She had called, hoping for good news, but there was none. She had retreated to her room, her only place of solitude. She had yet to leave, not wanting to see anyone. All she did was stare out the window, letting her tears fall with the rain.

The thought of him made her feel worse. She thought he would be okay, never to land like he was. He her everything, even if she didn't know it. Seeing him lie there motionless had been hard. She didn't want to see him like that.

Summer took a deep breath. Her pain was overwhelming. Not knowing when Seth would wake up was killing her. It had been, but not knowing he might not wake up for months made it ultimately worse. It was strange to thing there was a time when Summer didn't know Seth. She had grown to love him so much. They were meant to be together, Summer believed that.

Summer watched as a lone car sped by in the dark. The sun was soon to come up, still hiding in behind the clouds. She was waiting for the sun to rise, for it to be a new day. The day that maybe Seth would wake up. It was just as likely as unlikely, so Summer had to at least wish. But what if Seth didn't wake up for a while? A month, maybe two. Or even a year. Summer didn't know how long she would last. She already felt bad, how much more could she feel?

Her room showed a different person than who Summer really was. There was not a single photo of Seth seen, since she never put them up. Not like she had a whole lot. He wasn't the most photogenic person. Summer had photos of her and Marissa, some even with Holly when they were friends. There was nothing drastically different in her room than what it looked like a year and a half ago. Sure, Summer had more clothes, and some more purses, but was that a big difference? Her room was frozen in a simpler time. Where, as Marissa put it, "monotony was major." No one new ever came to Newport, nothing exciting ever happened. But then the catalyst appeared, spinning everything out of control.

Summer got up and went to her closet. As she looked through outfit after outfit, she yearned for something different. She remembered Marissa going through something like this. She threw most of her wardrobe out, used her dad's new money, and changed her style. Summer's style was already pretty exciting, flashy(as in colors) even. So what did Summer want? The only thing she definitely knew she wanted was Seth to wake up. But she had no control over that. Summer was left confused. She stared at her wardrobe frowning. She couldn't change it a lot. She didn't want to be one of those punk, scary, goth people. Now a sporty, boyish, sneaker-wearing person. And what could she really do? It was four in the morning and stormy. But then again, Summer had nothing else to do. Except worry about Seth. And that wasn't super-fun.

Summer fell back on her bed and thought. She hadn't left her room since the night after she visited Seth, and the last human contact she had was the stepmonster bringing the phone sixteen hours ago. She hadn't eaten for quite a while, denying it every time someone offered it to her from the other side of the door. Her stomach grumbled, but she ignored it. Locking yourself in a room means not leaving the room, even for food. Summer tried to find something to preoccupy her mind so she wouldn't think of Seth or food. Staring out the window had amused her for a very long time. But that whole time she thought of Seth. So she couldn't do that. Maybe she could clean up or organize. Summer had heard that calms people. But her room was already clean. She couldn't clean anymore.

Summer's eyes fell upon a stack of books on the floor of her closet. She got up and went over to get a closer look. There were some magazines, an actual book or two, and some yearbooks. She picked up a random yearbook and glanced at the cover before opening it. It happened to be the book for the year before Ryan came. When monotony ruled. When Seth didn't exist.

There were millions of signatures in it. Summer remembered the last time she looked at this yearbook. Her and Seth had been decorating Marissa's room. It had been fun, until Summer found out how much Seth hadn't been liked.

Summer read some of the notes people wrote to her. Since most of the school envied her, they wrote their phone numbers and such, hoping to hang out with her. She never did call them. Summer started looking through the pictures. There were a lot of her and Marissa. They were very popular, after all. She looked for Seth in every picture, but didn't find him. Then she got to the small, individual photos. She scanned for Seth. No luck. Summer did find Marissa's. She looked over to the name list, since Marissa and Seth's last names were quite close to each other. Finally, something caught her eye. _Seth Cohen._ She looked down the row and there she found him. Right next to Marissa. She couldn't believe it. How many times had she looked at Marissa's picture and never once did she see Seth's. His picture was okay, he wasn't really smiling. But it still brought tears to her eyes.

On and on she continued to stare at all the pictures. She remembered every one of the photos she was in. A couple of times she did find Seth, but he was usually in the background of the picture. Every photo of him made Summer more and more upset. It was sad to think about the way they used to be. How mean, selfish, bitchy her and Marissa were. Summer, Marissa, and Holly hadn't had a real care in the world. If they were upset, right away a hundred or three would land into their hands. It was a good life. A fake life.

Summer flipped to the prom photos. These were from their freshmen year, but still, Marissa, Luke, Summer, and Holly made their way in. All thanks to Summer and Holly. They were dating two seniors, and were invited to the prom, and obviously, Marissa hadn't. She was dating Luke. So they developed a plan. Summer's boyfriend had a friend who actually agreed. This friend invited Marissa and the friend's girlfriend invited Luke. So all six, or eight if you count the friend and his girlfriend, had a great time. The photographer was always by them, ready to shoot at anytime. Summer remembered that night so well. One of the greatest nights in her life, she had to admit.

Summer finally made it to the sports team and clubs, the part her and Seth had looked at. All the clubs first listed Summer happened to be in, for they were the most popular clubs. Staring back at her were Summer, Marissa and Holly, having the greatest time of their life. Then she saw Seth's clubs. He was the only one in them, looking like he was bored out of his mind. Summer hadn't even known those clubs existed. Of course then, she didn't really know Seth had existed.

She finished paging through and she began to fan through them all. Her finger stopped on a page she missed. It was of a dance, the only non-formal one. You didn't have to have a date, you didn't need to dress up, and it was mostly dance songs. Even though you didn't need a date, most people had one. Those dances were by far the most fun and most exciting of them all. Summer smiled as she stared at the photos. There was a great one of Marissa and Luke slow-dancing. They were holding each other close and tight, while sharing a tiny kiss. Another photo showed Summer, Marissa, and Holly breaking into a pose for the camera. They were all smiling and giggling, having a great time. A lot of the photos had Summer and Marissa in them, along with Holly. There was a photo of Summer and a guy named Paul, whom she had been dating for about two weeks, slow-dancing. The picture was perfect, except for the tiniest black blur in the bottom corner.

The last photo was the largest one of them all. It was a shot of most of the dance floor, with everyone slow-dancing. Summer quickly found Marissa and Luke, who were still kissing. Next she found Holly not all that far away from Marissa, kissing and dancing with a random guy. Summer searched for herself. She checked back to the previous photo to figure out what she was around. And then she found it. She was kissing Paul, ignoring everything around her. Then Summer found out that the blur in the previous photo wasn't a blur at all. It was Seth Cohen.

In the larger photo, you could see Seth Cohen by the wall all alone, clearly. Some people were looking, but Photo Summer paid no attention at all. Seth was staring up at her longingly. But from what Summer remembered of that night, she didn't remember there being any person sitting by the wall. But back then, Seth had been invisible to her.

Tears poured from her eyes as she thought of how cruel she had been. Summer thought of all the people she made fun of and hated herself more. Then she thought about Seth and how, after all those years of ridicule and rejection, he still liked her. And with Seth in a coma, that made Summer feel worse. All the sadness she felt an hour ago had quadrupled. She hated herself, and the stupid yearbook. Summer tore out the page. She didn't care, she couldn't get much more eviler. But the yearbook was just a reminder of what she used to be. It made her think back to the time when Seth Cohen didn't exist, and she was the uber-bitch.

So Summer threw the book out the window. She screamed through her tears as the book broke the glass into a million pieces. Thunder cracked overhead as the book fell to the ground. Rain began to fall into her perfect little room, and glass covered the window seat that she had been sitting on for hours. Summer stood there, staring at the broken window. Tears cascaded down her face as she breathed deeply. She felt weak, ready to sleep. But she didn't want to shut her eyes. Summer walked over to the window and felt the rain fall on her. The wind attempted to dry her, whipping her hair around, but there was too much water. Rain was already soaking the seat, and her legs couldn't keep her up anymore. She fell to the floor. There luckily was no glass there, and Summer just lie there, staring at her ceiling, hating herself and what she used to be more and more every second. But she couldn't change it. It already happened.

Summer curled into a ball. She leaned on the wall, rocking herself. She missed Seth, and wanted to apologize for all the pain she caused him over all the years. But he was stuck inside himself, paralyzed. Summer couldn't stay awake anymore. So she gave up, closing her eyes tight, ultimately then letting her waves of nightmares come crashing in.


	5. Waiting

No matter where, the shooting was always there. You couldn't escape it. As Marissa flipped through the channels, the shooting was on every channel. It was either on the news, or the tally of people dead was going by on the bottom of the screen. Marissa was stuck. She couldn't leave her room without being tormented by her mother. Julie kept asking questions about it, trying the "talking about it makes it easier to deal with" approach. Marissa did not want to talk about it, but Julie didn't get that memo. It was the third day after the shooting, and the school most likely wouldn't be open for at least a week. Yesterday, Marissa had stopped by the hospital, hoping to see Seth awake, but he wasn't. She had been the one to tell Summer the news. And she hadn't talked to Summer since. Marissa was worried too, because Summer had already been upset about Seth. Now with Seth out for who knows how long, how would everyone get by? It was already difficult, and it had only been three days.

Marissa was sick of watching the television. She decided to listen to some music. She laid on her bed, listening to the Sex Pistols while taking a sip of beer. It felt wonderful. Becoming numb. The music wasn't all that relaxing, but somehow it was. She swallowed some more beer. But then a knock at the door brought her back to reality.

"Marissa honey? Can I come in?" Her mother was at the door. Marissa shot up and stared at the door for a terrified second. Then she grabbed the bottle and shoved it behind the bed. She took off her headphones. "Marissa?" Julie knocked again.

"Come in." Marissa answered sullenly. She watched as the door opened and revealed Julie. Marissa didn't look up, she knew who it was. Julie smiled at her daughter. She wished she could know what was going on in her daughter's mind. Everything was off ever since school started. Marissa hung out more and more with Summer and some boys, never spending a whole lot of time at home.

"How are you doing?" Julie asked, hoping it was the best way to start a conversation.

"I'm fine." Marissa answered, not wanting to be in the same room with her mother. Julie always expected so much of her daughter. She was living through Marissa. And Marissa hated it.

"I know you're upset about Seth. I am too. He's my only grandchild right now. It's scary. Him being shot and all. Now he's in a coma. That's not good. But, we will survive, and he will wake up." Marissa was looking at her mother, just not paying attention. She knew Seth would wake up, he'd have to, Marissa would make him if he didn't. "Do you know that honey? I know you may be a little hopeless right now, but you can't give up. Seth needs us now. And we're gonna be right by him."

"Yeah.......right." Marissa nodded in agreement dully. Julie was just saying nothing. Marissa knew Julie wouldn't follow through with anything.

"Marissa, you seem a little out there. Are you okay?"

"Yeah, Mom. I'm fine. Really. I am." Marissa barely tried to reassure Julie. But Julie wasn't buying it. She got up and inspected the room.

"Maybe a color change here? And open the window. You can get come light in here." Julie pulled open the shades. Marissa squinted her eyes, afraid of all the sunlight. She felt like a vampire, going to die with all the light. "What's wrong? You need to tan, you're pale." Julie exclaimed as she looked over to her daughter.

"It's November." Marissa defended her pallor. She didn't spend as much time outside as she used to.

"We're in southern California. You should be tan." Julie objected. She looked at Marissa, who was looking down at the floor. "Marissa, I'm just worried. You're not as social as you used to be. What happened to that girl you always hung out with? Holly? I haven't seen her around in a while." Marissa's head shot up and she stared at her mother. All that pain she had felt in Tijuana about Luke came back. She hated Luke for sleeping with Holly. She had given herself up to him. He had been her first mistake. But then, to top it all off, later he slept with Julie. Her mother.

"We kind of drifted apart. Me and Holly." Marissa didn't mention Luke's sleeping habits. She shouldn't stat something with her mother. Marissa was worried about Seth. The person she should be thinking about.

"Oh. That's a shame. I always liked her." Julie turned back to the room.

"That's because you both like to sleep with Luke." Marissa mumbled so softly that Julie couldn't hear.

"Marissa," Julie started as she turned back to her daughter. Marissa feared she heard what she said. "Is there anything you want to talk about? I know the shooting had to have been traumatic. You need to make your pain vocal. It's such a great release." Julie encouraged her daughter to speak up. Marissa breathed. Julie hadn't heard. Marissa thought about the other night. When she flipped out on her dad, stepsister, and Summer. How it had felt so good releasing the pain. Of course, that could have been the alcohol making her feel good. "So, you wanna talk about something?" Marissa looked at her mother and shook her head.

"No." She said confidently. Her mother looked disappointed and it made the moment even better.

"Oh. Well, are you sure? Think about it a bit more." Julie continued to pull something out of Marissa. Marissa did not want to talk about it. At least, not to her mother. The only person she wanted to share her fears with was Ryan, whom she loved.

"I don't want to talk about it." Marissa told her mother firmly. She wanted Julie to leave, and let Marissa numb herself a tiny more.

"Okay. But you know, if you ever need to, I'm always here." Julie missed the times when her and Marissa would always talk, but that time was long over.

"I know Mom." Marissa answered and watched her mother leave. She breathed a sigh of relief and grabbed the bottle and took a sip. It was heaven to her. She could feel the pain drifting away, taking Marissa to her numb state. Where nothing ever hurt, and there was no sadness, no anger. No emotion at all. A blank frame of mind. Marissa put her headphones on again, but changed the cd. The Sex Pistols were too much anger for her. Marissa put in a mix cd and let the song take her over.

She was drifting away, lost. Another sip of beer made her feel better. The shooting was becoming a distant, blurry memory. The words in her head became soft and barely audible. She couldn't think anymore as more alcohol burned down her throat.

A door slamming closed brought Marissa back. Her eyes widened in surprise, and she didn't feel like drinking anymore. Which was a huge surprise, too, since Marissa seemed always in the mood for a drink.

Marissa got up and peered out her door. She knew it was her mother's door slamming, Julie did that a lot. She liked to bring all the drama and attention to herself so that she would be noticed. Marissa could even hear the fake sobs that were loud enough to make dogs bark. Caleb would come running, trying to soothe Julie. It was all very typical. Marissa was used to it.

But one thing definitely surprised Marissa. Julie was actually still married to Caleb, even though he was just about broke and was knee high in lawsuits. Marissa ignored all the problems those two suffered, she could care less. She was more involved in her own life and the other people around her. She cared about her father, Ryan, Seth, and Summer. Those were the people she cared most for. Even Sandy and Kirsten ranked higher than her own mother. The Cohens were the nicest family Marissa knew and they always helped out when they could. But now, they were going through something so horrible. They were the least deserving family, Seth especially. The Cohens believed in people and didn't make decisions of people on what they heard. Ryan wouldn't be there if it wasn't for Sandy, and the belief of good in people. Marissa knew no other family in Newport would've taken Ryan in.

Marissa went to the balcony. She watched the sunset, ending another dismal day. Maybe tomorrow Marissa would visit Seth and find him awake. She smiled at the thought of this. Who knew something so normal as waking up had become so important. It was a simple thing, that everyone take for granted. Well, what if you were stuck sleeping, no control of anything? What if you couldn't open your eyes and was forced to stare into the dark? Such simple things, like opening your eyes, moving, talking had been ripped away from Seth. No one knew when he would see another color other than black again. When would Seth wake up? It was a question they all asked when they woke up, when their minds wandered, when they closed their eyes at night. There was no answer. They just had to wait it out.

000000000000000000000000000000

It was four days since Kirsten had learned her son had fallen into a coma, six days since the shooting. Sunday afternoon found her sitting in a hospital chair, staring at Seth. She had given up on hating hospitals. She barely noticed she was inside one now. Kirsten didn't talk a lot when she sat in her usual chair, only to Marissa occasionally. She didn't even attempt to talk to Seth. She just watched him sleep. Kirsten knew she would break down if she spoke to him, it was too upsetting.

When Kirsten had learned Seth had run away, she thought it was the worst she would ever feel. Both her sons had been gone, and she was alone. But Seth had pulled money out of his bank account, and they immediately tracked him down, stopping his up-the-coast trip after two weeks. Kirsten had grounded him for the rest of the year, barely letting him play video games. Kirsten had still been upset, since Ryan was still in Chino, and at the end of August, she forced Sandy to go get him. Kirsten promised herself that would be the saddest she would ever allow herself to feel. But then this happened.

Watching Seth lie lifeless on a bed was really more upsetting than having no clue where he was. At least when Seth was missing, he could move and talk. Now, he could do neither.

"Kirsten," a voice came form behind her. She turned to find Sandy standing there, staring at her. She would have never been able to survive through this without him. He was her support. "You haven't left this room in quite a while. You need to get out. Go home, take a nap. A comfortable one." Sandy urged her to leave.

"What if he wakes up while I'm gone?" Kirsten didn't want to leave. She wanted to be by her baby.

"Then he should be awake when you come back. Just, come on." Kirsten finally gave in. She could use a nice nap. Hospital chairs provided no comfort. But with her naps, she could wake up. Seth couldn't.

Kirsten and Sandy made their way out of the hospital and to their car. Sandy hadn't been spending nearly as much time at the hospital as Kirsten. She barely left. Ryan also spent a lot of time at the hospital, but not really inside Seth's room. He much more preferred to sit outside the room, staring inside at the window. Even when he was inside the room, mostly he stood by the window and stared out. Marissa had been over a few days, sometimes even getting Ryan to talk. She brought news of the outside world, where the Cohens seemed to be distancing themselves from. School was scheduled to start the Monday after next, giving everyone enough time to breathe. But for the people most effected, it wasn't. The school had scheduled a funeral-type service for the students to attend, and everyone could just remember the good times they had with the students that had died. Their families were making their own actual funeral for each student, so Newport Funeral Home was quite busy.

Summer hadn't been heard from a lot lately. Marissa had called her some days, but she never visited. She wasn't dealing very well. Kirsten had heard all this from Marissa directly. They talked sometimes, since Ryan and Sandy didn't. They said nothing upsetting around Seth, saving it all for outside the room.

Kirsten was so lost in thought that she barely noticed the car was now in their garage and Sandy was tapping her shoulder, calling her name. She fell out of her thoughts and got out of the car. She didn't say anything as she went into the quiet house. Outside in the pool house, Ryan had locked himself away, the shades were drawn, he did not want to be disturbed.

As Kirsten made her way up the stairs, she thought about how much her family had fallen apart. They were just becoming okay after the summer, and now they were worse than they started. All of them had become more introverted, drawn into themselves, upon hearing Seth had fallen into a coma. Maybe they all thought this was the easiest way to deal, or it was a natural reaction to intensive emotional trauma. Either way, it didn't help a whole lot. The longer Kirsten kept her pain inside, the more she wanted to scream it out loud.

Kirsten fell onto her bed. She wasn't tired, but yet she was. Her mind had too many thoughts racing through it to sleep. The last six days had been torture to them all. Nothing mattered anymore. All the anger Kirsten had against people was gone. She didn't have time to be angry. All she had time for now was to worry about Seth. She had abandoned work. Her father didn't mind. He was trying to get out of hot water. Caleb and Julie hd only visited Seth once, much different than Marissa. She practically visited Seth every day. When Kirsten asked her why, she visited every day, Marissa answered, "If something ever happened to him, I don't wanna regret not seeing him." Kirsten was touched by what Marissa had answered.

A knock at the door pulled Kirsten out of her thoughts and she turned to it. Sandy stood in the doorway.

"Hey." Sandy greeted her. He then walked over and sat in the bed. "How are you doing?"

"Fine." Kirsten lied.

"No, really." Sandy saw right through Kirsten's lies. He always did.

"I don't know how much longer I can just watch him. It's too hard." Kirsten answered truthfully.

"I know. It's hard for me too. But, these are the cards we got dealt. We gotta play them."

"Can't we, like, exchange them? Like in poker?" Tears fell down Kirsten's face. She had broken down. Again.

"Nope." Sandy let Kirsten's head fall on him. He tried to be calm. No showing you were weak around Kirsten. Who would she fall on then? "Come on, it's gonna be okay." Sandy reassured her.

"Will it? How can we even _begin_ to pick up the pieces of our lives after this?" Kirsten was pessimistic. She could see good no longer. Only sadness. Like Seth, only darkness, black.

"Kirsten, we'll get through this. We just have to take it one day at a time." Kirsten looked up at her husband. How could he stay so positive? What was his secret? Kirsten needed anything to help her though this.

They didn't say anything for a bit, lost in their own thoughts. But really, both thought about Seth. How could they not? He was the only thing on their mind. Kirsten thought about when he ran away. They had been devastated for two weeks, but when he was back, they promised to pay more attention to him. Maybe, just maybe, him being in a coma was like a punishment to them also. Maybe they had taken advantage of him. Taken advantage of the fact that he would always be there. They should have learned this lesson months ago. But they didn't, so here they were again.

Kirsten stared down at the bed comforter, smoothing out the wrinkles. But she couldn't. They always came back, and there were so many. So many problems Kirsten kept trying to solve, but couldn't. She was going at it the wrong ways. The wrinkles could be flattened, just not by the way Kirsten was attempting.

Sandy watched Kirsten try to unwrinkle the comforter. He watched her hands move and smooth. Come up, and let the wrinkle would go away. But more would come. Somehow, he took comfort in watching her hands work. It put him at ease. Like the only problem there was, was the unwrinkling of the comforter.

"Sandy?" Kirsten finally asked after a long silence. "What's gonna happen next?" Sandy didn't know how to answer. All his life he knew all the answers, but finally, he didn't have one. He had run out of them.

"I don't know." Sandy answered truthfully, not knowing any other answer to the question. Kirsten wasn't quiet satisfied with the answer. She was hoping for Sandy to guide her, tell her what road signs to look out for. But he didn't, and she said nothing more of the not-up-to-par answer.

The conversation had run dry. Neither one fo them knew what to say. They wanted to comfort the other, tell them it would be okay, but they didn't know if it would be. They had no idea of when Seth would wake up. It was anyone's guess.

They sat there for while, staring at random objects in the room. Kirsten had given up on dewrinkling the comforter, so Sandy had nothing to watch. Both were lost in the silence, the house never seemed so quiet. Seth was always on a tangent about something. It was so empty without him.

"Hey," Sandy began. He was sick of just sitting there. "How about I go downstairs and make so soup or something?" He attempted.

"Okay." Kirsten agreed softly.

"Good." Sandy got up and began to leave. At first, Kirsten didn't want to move, but she knew she had to.

"Wait, Sandy." Kirsten stopped him. He turned around to look at her.

"Yeah?" He asked, wondering what she wanted.

"Bring some scotch." She told him, and he gave her a quizzical look. "Just in case."


	6. Her Secret Corner

"Look at him. He's all like....stiff and.... not moving." Summer commented as she looked at Seth. It was the second Tuesday since the shooting, the second time Summer had visited Seth. She was different since the shooting. Something seemed to have disappeared that day.

"Sum, that's like the same thing." Marissa told her. She stood on the other side of Seth, arms crossed, looking down at him. Ryan was there also, only he stood by the window, staring out it.

"So? How else am I supposed to describe him? He's in a freaking coma, it can't get much worse." This was only the fourth time Summer was out of her room in the last week. It was the first time she was out of the house.

"You can't talk like that around him." Marissa whispered.

"Why not?" Summer didn't understand.

"Supposedly he can hear everything we say." Marissa answered.

"Oh." Summer said. She didn't say anything else, just staring at Seth sadly. He hadn't moved since they last looked at him. Summer hated looking at him, it was just too sad. But she couldn't not look at him while she was in the room. She loved him so much, and just seeing him lie there was too much. Summer closed her eyes and a tear fell from her eye.

"Sum, it'll be all right." Marissa tried to console Summer when she saw her crying.

"I hope you're right." It was almost a week since they found out Seth had fallen into a coma. How much longer would he be in it?

"Sum, are you hungry?" Marissa tried to divert Summer's attention from Seth.

"No." Summer never even looked up.

"Ryan, are you hungry? Do you wanna come to the cafeteria with me?" Marissa asked him. He looked up at her.

"Sure." Ryan answered. The two left Summer and Seth and headed to the elevator. They didn't say anything, which was fine to Ryan. He wasn't the talking type. He shouldn't be, especially now. But strangely, being alone with Marissa made him kind of want to talk.

They entered the elevator and no one was on. Marissa pushed the button for the cafeteria, and down they went. People came on at every floor and Marissa and Ryan were separated. Upset visitors, doctors, and nurses divided the two until they reached the ground floor, where everyone exited.

The cafeteria was busy. Doctors on breaks and visitors took up almost every table. Only about five were open. Marissa looked at the foods while Ryan just followed.

"I thought you said you were hungry." Marissa commented as she put some fruit salad on her tray.

"I am." Ryan defended.

"Well then, why aren't you looking at any food?" Marissa joked.

"I don't know."

"Then what are you hungry for? Maybe I can get it." Marissa picked up some macaroni and cheese.

"I don't know." Ryan wasn't helping.

"Okay then." Marissa went to pay for her food. Ryan quickly looked around, and grabbed an apple. He took his place behind Marissa.

They bought their food and sat down at one of the remaining three tables. Marissa took a bite of the macaroni and cheese.

"Okay, not to sound all conceited and everything, but I must admit that I think my mac and cheese is better than this. Here, Ryan, try."

"Okay." Ryan barely got out before Marissa shoved a spoon in his mouth. She laughed as he chewed. "Yeah, yours is a lot better." Ryan agreed after swallowing.

"Thanks." She took another bite. "Ryan, listen. I'm really worried about Summer. I mean, she's totally out of it." Marissa pushed the macaroni and cheese away and took a bite of her fruit salad.

"So what are you thinking?" Ryan asked, taking a bite of his apple.

"I say, we get her out of it. Take her mind off of Seth for like a tiny bit. What do you think?" Marissa was really worried about Summer. She seemed to be taking it the hardest. Marissa barely got her out of her house. Summer was scaring Marissa. Something was definitely different about Summer. She wasn't herself.

"If it works, try it on everyone." Ryan bit into his apple. He amazed himself that he was talking to Marissa. More so, talking in general. He much more preferred to be alone in the pool house. It was his sanctuary.

"Ryan, she's really worrying me. Like, freaking me out. She wasn't nearly as bad when he ran away. She was really vocal, and went to a lot of parties, that's how Summer usually deals with stuff. This depressed Summer is totally new. I want to get her out of it." Marissa told him.

"Okay, what's the plan?" Ryan asked. It seemed a good reason to help Summer.

"You're agreeing?" Marissa hadn't thought Ryan would help.

"Did I have a choice?" Ryan knew Marissa would make him help anyway.

"Well, yeah, but...." Ryan glared at her. "Okay, well, you didn't, but you know. Anyways, there's this carnival going on this weekend. It's like twenty minutes away, but I thought..."

"We go, put her on some rides, win her stuff, and she'll be good?" Ryan guessed.

"Well, sorta. I just want to take Seth off her mind for, like a bit." Marissa explained.

"Oh."

"So, will you help?" She asked.

"I said I would." Marissa smiled happily and looked at Ryan. It took all her willpower not to go over and hug him. Ryan looked back, and the tiniest of smiles appeared on his face. He felt good around her. Maybe Marissa was the one he should choose. He didn't know. It was a tough choice. Ryan might have a baby with Theresa. If it was his, it would change everything. At this point, he hoped the baby wasn't his. If there wasn't a baby, maybe none of this would have ever happened.

The two finished eating and they left cafeteria. They were walking back to the elevator, but Marissa stopped Ryan and took him into the gift shop.

"Let's get Seth a balloon or something." Marissa said as they walked into the gift shop.

"He can't see it, Marissa." Ryan pointed out as Marissa looked for the right balloon.

"I know that Ryan. But he should at least have something to look at when he wakes up." Marissa continued looking. "Ugh, they don't have any good ones. I'll just get some plain ones and write stuff on them." She picked out some colored balloons and went to grab some sharpies. Marissa then went over the card area, where Ryan was already looking. "Find any good ones?"

"No. Not a single 'hope you come out of your come soon.'" Ryan joked.

"It's a hospital. They should at least have some."

"Blank ones, then?" Ryan walked over to the blank card area.

"Yeah, I guess." Marissa sighed. She followed and they began picking out cards. Most had animals on them, so they tried to find ones that had animals sleeping or just waking up. There weren't many, but they did find some.

The two purchased their blank cards and balloons, some pens, and some sharpies. They left with their hands full. It was nice to have someone to talk to, Ryan had to admit. They joked about what they would put on the cards and balloons. Even tough they were thinking about Seth, they felt good for once.

"Any change?" Marissa asked Summer when they came back. Summer was still in her seat, Seth still lie on the bed.

"What do you think?" Summer shot back sadly.

"Right." Marissa began unloading their bags. Pens and balloons littered the table.

"What did you get?" Summer looked over, curious to know.

"Stuff for Seth." Ryan answered.

"He can't see any of it, you know that, right?" Summer told them.

"We know that." Marissa said and began to blow up a balloon. It was green, and on it she wrote, "Can't wait to see your eyes open!" Ryan blew up the next one, which was yellow, and on it the message now read, "Somehow, we miss your incessant babbling. Wake up soon!"

"I have to go to the bathroom." Summer announced and left the room, taking her purse. When she got in there, tears rolled down her face. Marissa and Ryan were so optimistic, supportive. They had thought the whole time they were downstairs, Summer was sitting next to Seth, maybe even talking to him. When in reality, she wasn't. She spent the whole time in the bathroom crying. Summer couldn't take watching Seth lie lifeless on that bed. It hurt her too much. She had reapplied her makeup just in time to check outside the room and see Ryan and Marissa leave the elevator. Summer rushed to her seat, and closed her eyes so she didn't have to look at Seth, until Ryan and Marissa came back. Tears rolled down as she thought about Seth. She hated herself for being awake, able to move, talk. The picture in the yearbook flashed in her mind. It made her cry harder.

"Sum? Are you okay in there? Marissa knocked on the door. Summer was taking too long. She wiped her tears away and got up.

"Yeah, I'm fine. Just checking my makeup." Summer answered and saw the wreck that was her face. She quickly took off all her old makeup and took a tiny glance at her clean face before putting more makeup on. She looked different, plain, strange. She shook away the thoughts and began putting makeup back on so it looked like she hadn't been crying.

"You know, Seth won't mind if your makeup isn't perfect. He can't see it." Marissa joked.

"Yeah, well, it begs me if it isn't perfect." Summer finished her makeup. Over the years she had become a pro at replicating makeup fast. She opened the door and found about seven balloons, all with various messages, floating at the ceiling. Marissa and Ryan sat at the table, filling out cards. One or two were already on Seth's little table by his bed. No one sent him anything, either they didn't know he got hurt, or they didn't feel like sending him anything.

"Wanna help?" Marissa asked Summer. She didn't notice anything wrong.

"No." Summer looked over at Seth, and felt the tears welling up behind her eyes. "I should really be going. My step-mom probably need me." Summer tried to escape.

"I'm sure she won't mind if you're visiting Seth." Marissa didn't want Summer to leave.

"No, I think she will." It was a little harder to get away than expected.

"Oh. Okay. Well, I guess I'll talk to you later, all right?" Marissa said.

"Yeah. Talk to you later, Marissa. Bye, Ryan." Summer left, but Marissa noticed something. Summer used their real names. Only once had she heard Summer use Ryan's actual name, and never once had Summer used Marissa's real name. Something was definitely wrong.

Summer rushed to the elevator, trying to get as far away as she could before crying. But she only made it to the elevator. She got in the empty elevator and pressed the button for the ground floor. As the doors closed, her tears came crashing down.

0000000000000000000000000000000000000

Summer tried to breathe. But her tears were making her a mess. She was in her car, and it was raining. She couldn't see. The rain was pouring down too hard, and her tears blurred her vision. She couldn't take it. She had to pull over.

Cars sped by without even noticing Summer. She didn't care, she just needed to breathe. Life was too overwhelming now. Why had she even let Marissa con her in coming? They had both taken their cars, thank God. Summer wouldn't have been able to stay there any longer. She couldn't look at Seth anymore. Every time she felt she was the one to blame. Like she had put him there. Really she hadn't, but she just couldn't get that idea in her head. Maybe, if she had forgiven him, they might be together now.

Tears never stopped falling from her eyes. There was too much pain behind them. She loved Seth and him being in a coma was way too much for Summer. But she couldn't let anyone know that. She couldn't fall apart in front of them. She wasn't weak.

Summer couldn't look in the mirror. She could see herself, the horrible, pitiful, evil person she was. She hated herself, everything about her. She wanted to rip her hair out and scream. Life sucked without Seth.

"Summer?" Someone was knocking on her window. Summer screamed in surprise, and looked over. Marissa stood there, in the pouring rain. Summer looked at the clock. She had been sitting in her car for over a half an hour. Where had the time gone? "Sum? Are you okay?" Marissa screamed. She had been driving home when she saw Summer's car pulled over to the side of the road. Marissa was worried, and had went to see what was up. Summer rolled down the window. "Sum, are you all right? Do you need a ride or something?"

"No. I'm just waiting it out." Summer answered, wiping her tears away.

"Have you been crying?" Marissa was getting cold, the rain was drenching her.

"No. It's, it's from the rain." Summer lied, but Marissa wasn't buying it.

"Are you sure you're okay? I can drive you home if you want and we can pick your car up tomorrow." Marissa didn't want to leave Summer all alone on the road.

"No, no I'm fine, Marissa. I swear." Summer just wanted Marissa to leave her alone, but Marissa was sick of this bull shit Summer was giving her for the last week.

"No, you're not okay! People who are okay don't spend a week in their room! Now what is wrong?" Marissa was flipping out. Summer didn't say a word, she just stared down at her lap. She made Marissa feel bad. "Listen, Summer, I'm really sorry. I'm just worried about you." Marissa apologized.

"You should be worried about Seth, not me." Summer whispered sadly.

"I know, but I'm worried about you too. You're really freaking me out, and everybody else. You need to get Seth off your mind for a bit. How about Friday, we go somewhere and you can forget about him? Just for a bit."Marissa figured she might as well tell her about her plan.

"What if I don't want to forget him?" Summer answered.

"It's just to make you feel better. Will you come?"

"I guess."

"Sum, I know you're upset about Seth, I am too. But he's gonna be okay, he's gonna wake up." Marissa tried to cheer Summer up.

"I know." Summer had yet to look up at the soaking wet Marissa.

"Then what is wrong?" Marissa was so confused. Summer looked up.

"Nothing," she lied. "I think the rain is slowing up. I'm gonna get going." Summer put the key in the ignition.

"Are you sure you're okay?" Marissa asked again.

"Yeah, I'm fine. I'll see you Friday, or maybe earlier, okay?" Summer wanted to get away.

"Okay." Marissa nodded and watched Summer pull out onto the road. Marissa sighed and went back to her car.

Summer continued driving and thought about what Marissa had said. She never really heard Marissa yell at her. She barely ever heard Marissa scream. Was she really worrying everybody? Why should they care about her? Seth was the one in the coma, he should be getting the attention.

Summer drove past the Cohens' house and shuddered. She remembered the day when she learned Seth had run away. She knew he had been upset, so she came by with a picnic packed and they were gonna have a great time and the summer would at least be a little okay. But she was greeted by, not Seth, but Kirsten. Summer was told not good news, but bad news. Really bad news. Kirsten had wiped away tears and handed Summer a note. Summer had read it, left the Cohens', got in her car, and called Marissa. She had called Seth every bad thing in the dictionary, hating him, wishing he never came into her life. He had come back, but Summer hadn't cared. She had been over him. She barely spoke a word to him. She hated him, and the fact that she had cared for him. But the minute the first gunshot went off, that all changed in the blink of an eye.

The rain wasn't slowing up, Summer was wrong. The windshield wipers tried to get the rain off, but it was just coming down too fast. She squinted her eyes to focus. Her house wasn't far away. Streets were washed out, so detours were all over. She watched as cars pulled to the side of the road, while some chose to pull into parking lots. Summer kept going, who would care if she got hurt? She hadn't shed a single tear since talking to Marissa. But as she thought of him, the tears came. All she could do lately was cry, what was wrong with her? She was stronger than this. No, no she wasn't. Otherwise Summer wouldn't be crying. She was weak, puny, pitiful.

Summer's house was in the distance. She was almost there. Almost to her room, where no one came in. She could be alone, no one would bother her. She could cry in peace. Summer stopped at a stoplight and looked around. She never really noticed what was around her. She wasn't observant. Summer never cared for what was around her, only her and what was happening.

The light turned green, but Summer didn't go. Maybe she wanted to stay there. Her mind was screaming _press the gas!_ but she didn't listen. In her rearview mirror she could see headlights coming fast. Headed for her. Summer came back to reality and stepped on the gas. Hard. She sped off just in time. The came right through where she was seconds ago, then passing her on the left.

Summer was still a little shook up when she pulled into her driveway. She didn't go into the house right away, something in the yard had caught her eye. She got out of her car and went to inspect what she saw. Rain poured on her, but it didn't faze Summer. Her mind was focused on the thing she saw. As she walked closer to it, it came into view. It was the yearbook she had thrown out her window days earlier. Glass cracked under her feet as she got closer. The book was open so that Summer could see the picture. It was of Seth, the photo of him as the sailing team. She laughed when she saw the picture of him glaring up at her.

"How did you fuck yourself so bad, Cohen?" Summer asked the photo, half-expecting an answer. But she didn't get one.

It was strange, no one had noticed the yearbook and glass outside. No one knew Summer busted her window, the rain was still pouring inside. Summer looked up at the window, but saw nothing but black. What had she been expecting? Seth, to be standing there, waving down at her?

Lightning streaked the sky as the thunder made Summer jump. Her tears fell freely, she had given up on holding them back. She was soaked to the core, her makeup smeared, her hair plastered down. She wanted to go inside, but Summer felt content standing in the rain. All the lights were out in the house. She was alone.

She took a deep breath. She couldn't stand outside forever. As she walked away form the book, leaving it lie there, she could still hear the glass cracking under her feet. The ground was muddy, wanting her to sink into the ground. She floated across it and to the porch. Her hands shook as she forced the key into the lock. She turned it and it opened, letting her inside the dark house.

And then she screamed. Not a small one, Summer tried to let her anger out. But there was too much. She fell to the floor in weakness, tears pouring from her eyes. She sat there for a while, losing track of time. No one came home, did they ever? Her father was at work, trying to catch up after his vacation. Her father and his wife had come home last Tuesday to console Summer, but really they didn't. After one day they ignored her, going back to the normal routine. Summer had distanced herself from her father, they barely talked now. She knew he was wrong about Seth, Summer just hadn't had an opportunity to prove he was wrong.

Finally, Summer rose and slowly headed to her room. When she opened the door, wind blew in her face. The storm had picked up. Everything in her room was blown around, it was a complete mess. No one could come in, they'd know she had fallen apart. She hadn't fully fallen apart, not yet reaching her breaking point. She hoped Seth would wake up before she did reach it.

Summer fell into her usual corner. This was the corner she cried her pain away over the years. She sat in it more and more, it was the only place she ever was now. It was in her closet, behind the clothes, the fake life. No one knew where her secret corner was, only her. She had developed it when she was in the third grade, when her parents were at the end of their marriage. She'd hide in her corner as her parents screamed and she would cry. Later on, Princess Sparkles joined her in the crying game. She would always be so mad at her parents and so upset, that Summer would fall asleep in her corner. Every time she woke up, she hoped that they had gotten so worried about Summer that they would forget all their arguments and look for her. Then when she popped up, they would be so happy and they would be the perfect family again.

But they never did. For a while, Summer was never tucked in, or kissed good night. When her parents fought, Summer was forgotten.

After the divorce, Summer was lavished with gifts and love from her father, but every once in a while, she would go into her secret corner. She missed when her family was a family. Everyday, she would pray that her parents would get back together. When her father remarried, the praying stopped. Summer had lost hope in love.

For a while, Summer had forgotten about her corner. When she was with Seth, she didn't need the corner. He made her feel good, happy. But when Seth had run away, she was pissed. She was going to a party the day after she learned he left when she rediscovered the corner. Summer had stared at it, half wanting to go and crawl in it and cry. But she was too strong. She didn't need the corner.

Summer's secret corner was her safety, no one could take it away. No one knew all the pain Summer had dealt with in there. Only she and Princess Sparkles knew. The corner had been replaced at one time, Seth had been her corner. But when she was Seth, she didn't need to feel sadness. She was complete.

Without Seth, nothing was right. She wanted him to be okay, to wake up, so badly. Everyday that he was in that coma was torture to Summer. Her corner became the only thing she could rely on.

Summer needed Seth Cohen more than he would ever know.


	7. Broken Mirrors

It was Friday night and Marissa was driving Ryan and Summer to the carnival. Marissa hoped this would help Summer get through Seth in a coma. They were ten minutes away, and Summer was sitting in the backseat, feeling like a little girl. She didn't say anything, she barely wanted to come. But Marissa had been so persistent, so here she was. Lately, Summer hated going outside, she liked to stay in her room. It got messier and messier by the day, Summer cried more and more often.

Marissa pulled into the parking lot, they were there. Summer sighed as she opened the door and got out. A Ferris wheel loomed off in the distance, other less popular rides surrounded Summer as they walked in. Little kids and adults alike screamed while they spun around on rides. Colored lights lit the whole way place up. To most people they could call this fun, but to Summer, it didn't seem very fun.

"How about some games?" Marissa asked and Ryan and Summer followed her as she looked at the games. Marissa chose Whack-A-Mole and paid for all three of them to play. Summer grabbed the mallet and felt a surge of power. When the buzzer went off, she hit the moles with all her might. She let out all her anger out on them. Too bad there was too much anger. The buzzer went off again. The game had stopped. Summer had won. But she wasn't paying attention, she didn't care. All she cared about was Seth. Marissa's plan wasn't working.

Next they decided to get some food. Summer wasn't hungry, but Marissa didn't care. She was desperately trying to make Summer feel better. Summer was falling apart, you could tell. As much as she tried to hide it, you could see it clearly. Marissa felt bad. Everything Marissa tried to help Summer was failing. This was Marissa's last attempt at saving her friend. Marissa needed Seth to wake up.

The three bought a large bucket of fries to share, but Summer ate none. Summer always was thin, but she looked a little _too _thin. It made Marissa too worried.

They ate in silence, Summer stared away. She wondered if Seth liked carnivals, would he be going on every ride? Would Summer be pulled onto them, could she scream in delight if she was having fun? Would Seth hold her if she was scared? She hugged her stuffed animal. They wouldn't know. He wasn't there.

"Sum, you all right? You want some food?" Marissa asked, offering Summer some french fries. She wanted Summer to eat, to be okay.

"Hmm? Me? No, I'm fine." Summer answered, desponding Marissa.

"Come on, just one fry. Please?" Marissa tried.

"I'm not really hungry." Summer looked over to the fries. They looked disgusting. How could anyone eat those?

"Okay." Marissa gave up. Hopefully, the rest of the night would be better than it was now.

They finished eating and decided to walk around. Which was a little difficult, since people crowded the walkway. People were bumping into Summer, who was behind Ryan and Marissa, but she didn't care. She didn't notice them, she wasn't noticing anything. She was just amongst all the people, no one special. She was being tossed around like a doll, but all she thought of was Seth. She couldn't get him off her mind, as hard as she and Marissa tried.

Marissa was trying to have a good time, and she was, but Summer kept looming in mind. She looked back at her friend, who was barely visible amidst the crowd. Marissa stopped, waiting for her. Summer wasn't looking up, she didn't care where she was headed. Luckily, Marissa called her name, or Summer would've walked right into her. They then continued on, Marissa next to Ryan, Summer behind them. She wasn't having a good time.

They played a few more games, Summer wasn't playing with as much vigor as she had been and Marissa won a couple, as did Ryan. Most of the time, they lost to the other people. They were carrying around too many stuffed animals, so Ryan took them all back to the car. He left Summer and Marissa alone, maybe they would talk. But they didn't, an awkward silence around them, with screams and laughter in the distance. Ryan came back, no stuffed animals in hand, and they continued on.

Marissa and Ryan sometimes talked, trying to pass the time. Summer was silent, she didn't want to talk. Usually Ryan was the one who didn't talk, but he wanted to talk. Seth usually held most conversations, Ryan didn't, but without Seth, Ryan felt a need to talk. He had to fill a void.

The carnival was bigger than they had assumed. They hadn't even reached the rides, but there was still a bit more to see. Summer could hear the Pacific in the background. Somehow, she could still hear it throughout all the screams, laughs, and just plain talking. Games and food stands were everywhere, the rides were nowhere in sight.

"Let's play bingo." Marissa announced. Not that far away was the bingo area. Neither Ryan now Summer said anything, they just followed. All three of them sat down and took a triple board. Every game cost 50 cents, and Marissa paid for them all. And then the game began. O72. Summer had it on two boards, she put little chips on the space. B6. She didn't have that one, but she saw Marissa put chips on her board. People walking by always thought it was funny to scream, "Bingo," while they walked by. Most people looked by, but Summer didn't. She just stared at the board, laying chips on the numbers, thinking about Seth. N39. She couldn't not think about him. What else was there to think about? Bingo wasn't very exciting, it just passed the time. I19. No one had called bingo yet, Summer almost had it. Multiple times. G54. Another chip. Summer only really focused on one board, the others she just put the chips on, she didn't look at those. The one she focused on had barely any chips on it, it was the least popular. Nothing good seemed to come its was, none of its numbers were ever picked.

B13. Summer put chips down, but continued to stare at the lonely board. One of its numbers had been called. The unlucky number. Marissa looked over.

"Sum, you have bingo. Like, three times." Marissa pointed out to Summer and shoed her where she had bingo. It was one of the other cards, the not lonely one. "Um, we have bingo over here!" Marissa told the number caller and someone came over. As they checked the numbers, Summer once again, felt like a little girl. She couldn't even notice bingo.

When all the numbers had been checked and Summer had won, she was given a money prize. Marissa thought that maybe Summer would feel a little better. But no. Summer barely acknowledged her prize, she was horribly spaced out.

"Sum, do you wanna continue playing?" Marissa asked.

"What?" Summer wasn't paying attention.

"Do you want to play again?" Marissa reiterated.

"I don't care." Summer answered. Marissa sighed and they left. They headed to where the rides were, and Marissa bought tickets for them and came back over.

"Okay. So what do you want to go on? I was thinking the Ferris wheel." Marissa looked to Ryan as he and Summer looked up to the top of it.

"That one?" Ryan asked, skeptical.

"Yes, that one. Are you afraid?" Marissa teased.

"Is it safe?" Ryan _was_ afraid.

"Yeah. We'll go on the one that seats more than two. It'll be safer." Marissa remembered the last time she went on a Ferris wheel. It was last year, and Ryan had jumped on in front of Summer. They had shared their first kiss, so it was pretty memorable. "Will you go on?"

"Yeah, I guess so." Ryan and Summer followed Marissa to the Ferris wheel. His fear was much higher, as was the Ferris wheel. This time, Ryan had an opportunity to think about what he was doing. Before, Ryan just jumped on, not thinking. This time, he was thinking. Thinking about if it broke, they'd be up high. Really high.

The three paid their tickets and got on. Ryan wished he was on solid ground.

Summer could see the fear on Ryan's face. She felt bad that he was so scared. But she had Seth in her mind, she couldn't help either guy. She stared out into the carnival. Little kids were running around, screaming, having fun, not caring about the world. They were so carefree, nothing mattered. Summer and Marissa used to be like those kids. Happy, free. Nothing mattered to them, they lived in a different world. Summer wondered what Seth and Ryan were like when they were little. Were they as carefree as Summer and Marissa had been?

"Ryan, what's wrong?" Marissa asked, almost oblivious to his fear.

"Oh, I don't know, we're gonna be stopping soon. At the top." The Ferris wheel stopped. "Oh God."

"Ryan, it'll be fine. The only time you should be afraid is when I do this." And then Marissa rocked the cart.

"Please.....do not....do that." Ryan begged.

"Okay, I'm sorry. You just shouldn't be afraid. The ride is safe, you won't die." Marissa tried to reassure him.

"I hadn't even thought of dying." Ryan wanted to get off.

"Ryan, calm down. Sum, you're not afraid, are you?" Marissa saw that Summer was staring out. Summer looked over.

"No." Summer shook her head slowly. It was strange, Ryan seemed like such a tough guy, but yet he was afraid of heights. Being too high made him bug-eyed, jittery, nervous. He always beat up people, but if you get him on a Ferris wheel, he's scared to death.

"Look it, you can see the ocean. It's so beautiful from here." Summer looked over to where Marissa was staring. There was a beautiful view of the ocean.

"I'd rather not." Ryan objected, not very keen on looking out or down.

"But it's really pretty. Just look out, you're not looking down. Just...look." Marissa tried to get Ryan to look out. Maybe he wouldn't be so afraid if he did see there was something worth looking at from so high up.

"No. Not worth it." Ryan didn't look up.

"Then why did you come on?" Marissa asked.

"I really don't know." Ryan answered.

"Whatever." Marissa continued to look out. Summer did too. She stared out at the glittering ocean. The waves crashed onto the empty beach. Summer had never seen the ocean so gorgeous. But it reminded her of Seth, everything did.

When they had finally reached the bottom, Ryan was ready to jump off the ride. He never was gladder to have his feet on solid ground. They again began walking around looking for a ride. Cotton candy caught Marissa's eye, and they chose to get some. Marissa and Ryan shared it, Summer was still not hungry. The truth was all that Summer had to eat was a tiny pack of crackers. That's what she usually ate now.

After Ryan and Marissa had found a place to wash their hands, they then found a ride that looked relatively safe. It was a ride that bared a resemblance to the scrambler, but it had less carts, but bigger places to sit. They sat in one, the green one, and buckled up. Marissa and Ryan sat next to each other, Summer sat a seat away from Marissa.

"Now, pull on the bar to spin." The one conductor told them. They each held onto it, not pulling, waiting for the ride to commence. It was slow when it started, they were just spinning around. But then it picked up speed. A lot of speed. And then they were spinning around like crazy. Both Marissa and Ryan were pulling on the bar. Summer looked out into the carnival. She tried to see the people, but they were moving too fast. All she could see was the colored lights twirling around, doing a little dance.

The ride was spinning violently fast, but only Summer seemed to notice. Ryan was still pulling, Marissa had stopped. She was now trying to loosen Ryan's grip on the bar, but he was too strong. It was if Summer didn't exist, like Ryan and Marissa were the only ones on the ride. It was as if they didn't know Seth was in a coma. Summer was invisible, watching Ryan and Marissa falling in love again.

All Summer could think of was Seth. How could she have fun while he lie on a bed, paralyzed? Summer could feel the tears coming, but she couldn't let them fall. No, she couldn't let them see her cry. They were having fun, how could she ruin that? Or was she already? It didn't seem like she was. Marissa was smiling, she was happy with Ryan. Her face seemed to glow when she was with him. Summer hadn't seen her glow like she was in months. Summer had bee so afraid for Marissa over the summer. She had known Marissa was drinking, but she had kept her friend's secret. No, she watched over Marissa, took care of her, lied for her. Marissa couldn't go to Rehab. Summer would have no one, nothing to live for. If Marissa went, so would Summer.

But they didn't. Marissa wasn't drinking nearly as much as she had been. Marissa was safe with her drinking. She only drank when she was really upset. But with Ryan back in the picture, she'd be okay. He was the one who saved her. Summer wouldn't have been able to stop her, only Ryan could. The person Marissa was meant to be with.

The ride slowed down to a stop, and Summer thought the ride was over. She wanted her corner. She was near her breaking point. But the ride started up again, backwards, going faster. Summer didn't know how much longer she would last, she was sick. Not from the ride, herself. The tears would be coming soon, there was no doubt about it.

_Seth, Seth, Seth..._ her mind kept thinking. Summer thought of nothing else, and as she thought of him, her pain increased. She was losing it. She couldn't take it. Summer forced the tears back. She couldn't break down. Not here, not now.

Marissa let out a shriek of delight as the ride was at its fastest. Summer had zoned out, and looked over. Marissa wasn't fighting it anymore, she just went for the ride Ryan was helping. She was smiling, laughing, having a great time. Summer thought about not fighting it, letting it take over. She'd fight this until she could fight it no longer.

On and on, faster and faster the ride went. How long had they been on this ride? Shouldn't it be stopping soon? They seemed to be on the ride forever, it never stopped. It just kept spinning and spinning, spiraling Summer towards her breaking point. Finally, the ride stopped. Summer made it. She was free.

"We have six tickets. One of us will have to sit the next ride out." Ryan announced, stumbling a little. Summer was the only one not dizzy.

"I will." Summer said all too eagerly.

"No, Sum. Don't. They had a really big fun house here. It's only two tickets. They have a huge room of mirrors, everything." Marissa was ahead of them.

"How do you know? I didn't see anything about it." Ryan committed.

"I used to go here when I was little. It's like practically hidden. Not really super hidden, but you don't notice it right away." Marissa explained to them.

"How do you know they still have it?" Ryan wasn't sure.

"I just...do. Come on." Marissa began walking and Ryan and Summer followed like usual. Summer supposed she could make it through the fun house. It would just have to be quick, she didn't know how much longer she'd make it. After a bit of walking, they finally found it.

"Wow, it really is big." Ryan said upon seeing it.

"It's a little kid's dream," Marissa paused. "Well, it was when I was a little kid. Come on." Marissa lead them to it, but made Ryan go first, Summer was last. Ryan and Summer were a little too serious for it, but Marissa was letting her imagination run wild. It was as if she was a little kid. When everything was okay in Newport. When her parents were still together, when her father was the greatest person in the world. The first few times she went in the fun house, he dad helped her, while Julie waited outside holding Kaitlin. Jimmy and Marissa had such a great time in there, she never wanted to leave. For a while, every year they went, and Marissa dreaded the year when she would be big enough to go through the fun house alone. It was no fun without anyone else. She didn't want to go in there alone, that meant growing up. So Marissa faked it. She would start off alone, but as soon as her father couldn't see her, she'd sit on the floor and scream for him as loud as she could. He would come running, glad to see her safe, and then they would battle the fun house together.

Those times were gone, she was older, she could get through the fun house alone. But going in made her feel like a little kid, without a care in the world. She hoped Summer would feel the same way.

But she wasn't. Summer was slowly slipping to her breaking point, she couldn't stop it anymore. Her pain was too much, the sadness she felt for Seth was too overwhelming. Summer didn't know how much longer she would hold. She just knew she wouldn't make it through the fun house.

All three had been holding hands in a line, but as they got further and further into the fun house, Summer lost grip with Marissa. She was losing grip with everything around her, she was breaking.

They had finally reached it. The room of mirrors. Summer was falling farther and farther behind, barely breathing. Ryan and Marissa were almost through all the mirrors, Summer had hardly started. Everywhere she saw herself, the pitiful person she was. She was freezing, her insides were ice cold. Her pain was unbearable, she was falling. Her tears rolled down her face, she had lost her fight. Breathing was difficult for Summer, she was choking. She couldn't stand up anymore, and slid into a little corner, a replacement for her real corner.

Summer let out a scream and slammed the mirrors, breaking them. She had cracked.

"What was that?" Ryan asked, stopping on the stairs that led to outside. They had heard a scream and something breaking.

"I have no clue." Marissa looked back. "Where's Sum? She was right behind us."

"I don't know." Both were getting worried. Marissa looked at Ryan.

"Coop......" A barely audible voice came from behind them.

"That has to be Sum. I'll go get her, you go ahead." Marissa told Ryan.

"Okay." He nodded. They went their separate ways, Marissa went to the room of mirrors again, finding her way quite easily. She felt like her father, rushing to the scene, afraid of what to find. Marissa found Summer by looking in the mirrors, but it wasn't a pretty sight.

"Sum!" Marissa yelled as she went over to her friend. She had never seen Summer like this. Her hands were covered in blood, tears rolled down her face, and mirror shards lie everywhere. Obviously Summer had broken about three mirrors. With her own hands. "Sum?" Marissa asked her friend, who had been staring at her bloody hands. Tears formed behind Marissa's eyes as she looked at Summer. Summer looked up, tears still rolling down her face. Her face held a terrified look, yet it also held sadness and confusion. "Oh God, Sum. What did you do?" Summer just stared at Marissa blankly, she had no words. Her voice was gone. She was gone. "Sum, come on. Let's get out of here." Marissa choked on her words. She was crying. She didn't know how to help her friend. Summer had always helped Marissa, she had always known what to do. Marissa had tried to help Summer, what could she do now? There wasn't much to help Summer. She was lost. But Marissa wouldn't lose her. She'd keep her secret. Summer couldn't go away. Not now. "Sum, come on. Get up, let's go." Both girls were crying. Marissa harder than Summer. Marissa had been through so much rough stuff for a while, Summer hadn't. Marissa should be breaking, not Summer. Summer was too strong, she couldn't break. "Sum, please. Just, let's go. Let's get out of here." Marissa was afraid for Summer. What would happen to her? "Oh God, Summer. We have to go. We have to get you out of here. I let you stay longer in the shooting, I'm not letting you stay longer here." Marissa was trembling. Mirror shards were digging into her. She needed to get out. "Please Sum." Summer stared at Marissa for a bit, then looked back to her hands, meaning she would go. Marissa assisted Summer up. They began walking, but they walked into a mirror. "Damn it!" It was harder to get out than get in. They kept going, Summer was no help. They again walked into a mirror. "Fuck!" Marissa screamed angrily. She couldn't stop crying, while Summer shed silent tears.

They finally made their way out of the room of mirrors, Marissa's tears were slowing up. The two tripped up the stairs, Marissa was practically pulling Summer, who just stared at her cut up hands. Marissa had never thought this would happen, but then again, she never thought she would be involved in a school shooting, plus she never thought Seth would fall into a coma. But she should've thought of this. Summer was not visiting Seth, the car incident. All clues to what would come. Why hadn't Marissa seen?

Marissa and Summer reached the exit, colored lights welcomed them out. Ryan came running towards them, fear plastered on his face.

"What happened?" He asked, looking at Summer's hands.

"I don't know. She just....freaked or something." Marissa answered, calming down.

"We should take her to a hospital." They talked as though Summer wasn't right next to them.

"Okay, but I wanna go tell the worker what happened. Just so he knows." Ryan understood and Marissa walked over to the person she had given their tickets to. "Excuse me, sir?" She tried to get the man's attention.

"Yeah?" He said, looking over.

"Um, I don't really know how to say this, but my friend, she had a little breakdown in your fun house. More specifically, the room of mirrors." Marissa tried to explain.

"Uh-huh..."

"Well, she broke a couple of your mirrors. We're really, really sorry and we'll pay for them if you want..." The guy looked over Marissa's shoulder and saw Summer. Ryan had sat her on a bench, she was still staring at her hands.

"Nah, it's okay." His eyes were transfixed on Summer.

"Thank you, thank you so much." Marissa began to walk back to Ryan and Summer.

"The bad luck'll get her."

"What?" Marissa turned to look at the man again.

"Don't you know? Every mirror you break is seven years bad luck." Marissa turned back to Ryan and Summer.

"I don't think things could any worse."


	8. Lost Inside

Marissa and Ryan were sitting in the emergency room, waiting for Summer to come out. Marissa was crying, she was still freaked out. Life as they knew it was gone, nothing was the same anymore.

"What's gonna happen Ryan?" Marissa was losing it, she was next.

"I don't know." everything was so sudden, they were falling apart.

"I mean, what did we do to deserve this? I am so scared." Marissa was letting her fears out. She couldn't keep them inside any longer.

"I am too." Ryan wasn't lying. He didn't know what would happen.

"First, Seth falls into a coma, and now Summer..." Marissa said.

"I know."

"But, what's gonna happen to Sum? You didn't see her, Ryan. She was so lost and sad. I've never seen her like that. I don't think anyone has. It was so scary." Marissa prayed Summer was okay. Their world was falling apart.

"She'll be okay, Marissa. Just don't worry." Ryan wanted to cheer Marissa up, but she didn't want it.

"How can I not? Seth is in a coma, and Summer just broke down. What are we supposed to do other than worry for them?" Marissa couldn't look at Ryan, she was too upset. The tears poured from her eyes, Marissa couldn't hold it together. Everything was wrong, upside down. What would turn it right side up?

"Marissa, breathe. It's gonna be okay. You can't let this get you. You gotta be positive." Ryan still couldn't shake the image of Summer outside of the fun house out of his head. It was etched inside.

"Oh God, Ryan. I don't think I can. You're gonna be the last one left." Marissa cried harder.

"Don't say that. You're gonna be okay. We'll get through this. Together." At that moment, Theresa and the baby didn't matter. Chino was gone then, only Newport mattered.

"You mean it?" Marissa stared up into Ryan's clear blue eyes. He was so strong, how did he do it? The world was falling apart all around them, wasn't he scared?

"Yeah, I mean it. How the hell are we gonna get through this stuff if we've got no one?" Ryan stared back into her gorgeous blue eyes.

"What about Theresa? The baby's coming soon. You need to be with her." Marissa wanted Ryan to be by her, but yet she was pushing him away. Why? Why was she doing this?

"I don't need to be by her now. I want to be by you." Ryan told her. A tiny smile formed on Marissa's face, and she fell into him, absorbing his presence. He held her tight, he didn't want to lose her.

"Excuse me, are you the kids that admitted Summer Roberts?" Someone said to them. They quickly let go and looked up. A doctor stood there.

"Yes, yes we are." Marissa said and she and Ryan stood up.

"Hi, I'm Doctor Macklavoy." The doctor shook hands with them.

"How is she?" Marissa was afraid.

"Oh, she's fine. Some stitches, nothing serious. I've talked to her father, I know him personally and he gave permission to be released."

"When can she be released?" Marissa was just glad that Summer was okay.

"Now. Uh, she's in room 137." Dr. Macklavoy told them.

"Thank you so much. Come on Ryan." Ryan and Marissa left the doctor and rushed to Summer's room. When they got there, they found Summer sitting on the bed, her hands bandaged. "Hey Sum." Marissa greeted her. Summer looked up, but didn't say anything. Her voice was gone. "Come on. We're gonna take you home." Summer didn't move, she stayed glued to her spot. It was so strange to see Summer like this. This wasn't the Summer they knew. The Summer they knew was strong, outspoken, powerful. This Summer was weak, silent, powerless. The sight brought tears to Marissa's eyes. "Sum, how about you get up and we go? How about it?" Marissa stared at Summer as she got up off the bed. She was still wearing her regular clothes, so the slowly walked out of the hospital. Summer was weak. Marissa walked next to her. She felt responsible. Marissa made Summer go to that stupid carnival and look what happened. Summer was lost.

They reached the car and Ryan took the keys. Both Marissa and Summer sat in the back, Marissa didn't want to let go of Summer. What would happen next? Hadn't they been through enough pain?

As Ryan drove, he kept checking in his rearview mirror to see Summer and Marissa. He had never been really close with Summer, but now, it was all different. Lights overhead shone on the girls' faces. Marissa was still crying, while Summer had an emotionless face. It bore no expression, it was blank.

Summer was so confused inside. She wanted to cry, but she couldn't. She wanted to scream, but her voice wasn't working. She was trapped, lost inside.

Marissa couldn't look at her friend anymore, it hurt her every time she did. She felt to horrible, so responsible. It was all her fault. Every attempt at making things better had all failed. Marissa was a failure, plain and simple.

The drive was dark and silent, everyone waited for it to end. Especially Summer. She was sick of the world. No, she wasn't going to kill herself, she just didn't want to be near anyone anymore. You can't get hurt if there's no one to hurt you.

They were getting closer to Summer's house, she was so close to being done with interaction. She didn't need it, she was sick of it. She would be alone. Life could be okay with just her and Princess Sparkles. Yeah, it could definitely be okay.

Ryan followed Marissa's directions to Summer's house and pulled into the driveway. No one was home, it was pitch black inside. Marissa opened her door and helped Summer out, and they walked up to the door.

"Do you want me to come in?" Marissa asked Summer. Summer didn't look up, but shook her head. "Okay, well, I'll call you later, all right?" Marissa told her, disappointed and Summer nodded. Summer tried to open the door with her keys, but she couldn't get the key in the lock. "Here, let me help you." Marissa helped Summer with the keys and it unlocked. Summer didn't say thank you, she felt like an idiot. She couldn't even unlock a door. She was useless. Marissa didn't mind not being thanked. She was too busy thinking about her friend. Summer turned the doorknob, she could at least do that and opened it. Marissa looked inside, but only saw darkness. Summer began to walk in, disappearing. She didn't turn on the light, and started to close the door until Marissa could only see her face.

"Bye Coop." Summer whispered softly to Marissa before closing the door. Her voice was soft, so vulnerable. Summer walked away from the door, she never did turn on the light. The car's headlights shone through the window and lit Summer's way. She closed her eyes for a moment, and let her tears fall. She was done with people, they hurt her too much. Summer tripped up the stairs and into her room. She took her only picture of Seth and her, and one of all four of them, and ripped both to shreds. She threw them, but they only fell limply to the floor. Summer stared at them as they fell and heard Ryan drive Marissa and him away. She grabbed Princess Sparkles and went to her corner.

Back in the car, Marissa and Ryan sat silent as he drove. She was worried about Summer more than ever. Summer disturbed Marissa for some reason. She didn't make Marissa feel right.

"Marissa? You okay?" Ryan asked, glancing over.

"Uh-huh." Marissa tried to answer, but her tears were falling too hard.

"Don't lie." Ryan saw through her easily.

"I just wish everything was okay." Marissa told him truthfully.

"Yeah, I do too. But it might never be." Ryan wasn't helping.

"What if Seth never comes out of the coma?" Marissa wanted a good answer. But she knew she wouldn't get one.

"He will. He had to." Ryan told her. Seth had to wake up, he couldn't let everyone go on living in this misery, could he?

"I don't know. What if he doesn't?" Marissa hated how everyone was living.

"Marissa, it's only been about a week. That's not very long. He'll wake up." though Ryan said this, he didn't fully believe it. He didn't know the normal time for someone to be in a coma.

"It doesn't matter. I'm still afraid." Marissa told him and the conversation ended. She didn't want to talk anymore, it just made her feel worse. He drove to his house, he knew the way. Ryan wanted to collapse upon his bed in the pool house and sleep forever, he was tired. Marissa looked out the window, and watched the houses go by. They finally pulled into the Cohens' driveway, both were glad. Ryan quickly jumped out of the car.

"Bye Marissa." He said, closing the door. She still sat in the passenger seat, staring at him as he walked up to the door. It had again become awkward between them. Marissa slid over into the driver's seat and began her lonely drive home.

Ryan walked into the kitchen and found Sandy sitting there. He didn't notice Ryan at first, so Ryan just stood there. Finally, he noticed.

"Ryan, hey. How was the carnival?" Sandy asked, liking the company.

"You wouldn't want to hear about it." Ryan tried to get away.

"Try me." Ryan looked back, stunned. He still wasn't used to people caring about what he did. Newport had emotion, Chino didn't. "Sit down, take a load off. I'd love to hear your tale."

"Are you sure? Ryan still didn't think Sandy would want to hear his story.

"Positive. Now come sit. Tell me what happened, how was it?" Ryan sat down.

"Horrible." That was all Ryan answered.

"Hmm, now aren't carnivals supposed to be fun?" Sandy hadn't been to one in a while.

"Yeah. It was okay until the fun house." Ryan skipped most of it.

"You don't strike me as a 'fun house' kind of guy." Sandy could barely see Ryan near one.

"I'm not. Nor a Ferris wheel guy. I hate them." Ryan thought about the height.

"I do too. Too much..." Sandy didn't know how to phrase it.

"Height?" Ryan suggested.

"Yeah. "

"Well, we got to the room of mirrors." Ryan saw Sandy's confused look. "It was a really, really big fun house. But me and Marissa were almost done with everything. When we heard something. Marissa went to go check on Summer and I went outside. Then, like five minutes later, they came out." Ryan didn't want to tell Sandy.

"What's so bad about that?" Sandy didn't understand.

"Summer had freaked or something, and she broke a couple of mirrors and cut her hands up." Ryan spilled.

"Oh my God. Is she okay?" Sandy was worried about Summer.

"Yeah. We took her to the hospital, she got some stitches. That's it." Ryan was done.

"Oh." Sandy was stunned, he didn't think that would happen.

"Where's Kirsten?" Ryan said, changing the subject, he just noticed that she wasn't there.

"She refused to come home. I can barely get her to leave his side." Sandy wanted to be by Seth, but he couldn't sit idle next to him for hours.

"Oh. When do you think he'll wake up?" Ryan hadn't talked to Sandy in a while, everything was off the wall.

"I don't know. He's known to be a big sleeper. What's it been? Since he fell into the coma? That was a Wednesday." Sandy began his reply.

"Nine days." Ryan answered Sandy's question.

"Well, he'll wake up. He's got to. But it better be soon. Because I don't know how much more I can take of Kirsten just sitting at that hospital." Both Sandy and Ryan laughed. There was a pause. "He'll wake up soon. Don't worry." Sandy got up and put his cup in the sink. "Good night Ryan."

"Night." Ryan watched Sandy leave the kitchen and go to the stairs, where he would be welcomed by an empty bed.

Ryan didn't stay in the kitchen for much longer, he headed to the pool house. It was dark, he collapsed on the bed. He stared up at the ceiling, waiting for something to happen. But nothing did. Why should it? It was a ceiling, they usually don't move.

Ryan got up and peered out a window to see the ocean. This was a much better spot to look at the ocean from than the Ferris wheel. Ryan was on solid ground, and he could still see the glittering ocean.

Ryan looked away and stared out another window. One in which he could see the Cohens' house. No lights were on, Ryan could see Seth's room. It had been dark for a while, only Ryan had went in it once and got Captain Oats so Seth could have him. But Seth couldn't see him. It had just dawned on Ryan that when Sandy and him had talked about Seth, they never actually said his name. Seth was referred to as 'he.' but yet, they always knew who they were talking about. Maybe it didn't make them feel sadder if they didn't refer Seth as 'Seth.'

Ryan once again collapsed in his bed, and tried not to think about what was happening and sleep.

00000000000000000000000

Marissa sat there, staring at the red light, waiting for it to change. It was Sunday afternoon, and Marissa thought she would visit Seth. She had been out once since Friday night, only to visit Summer. But all the lights were out and it was locked, no one came to the door when Marissa rung the doorbell. So Marissa had given up, and returned back to her mother's house.

The light still hadn't changed. Why was it taking so long? Marissa groaned and turned on the radio. The Killers blasted throughout her car, and Marissa sang along, singing about how somebody's boyfriend looked like somebody's girlfriend. The light finally changed, and Marissa stepped on the gas. The Killers ended, and next it was Nirvana's, "Rape Me." the song wasn't very pleasant, but still it held some interest.

Tomorrow school began again. Marissa was really scared. It would be strange going back, how can you forget the images they had seen? Nothing was the same anymore, none of them could go back.

Marissa pulled into the hospital. It was crowded, as usual, and she scanned for a parking spot. She saw some, but tried to get one closer to the doors. But, she realized, why bother? Everyone tries to find a spot closer, something better, no one's ever really satisfied. So Marissa pulled into one of the spots that was farther away, it satisfied Marissa. She didn't mind the walking, it was exercise. Marissa walked past all the cars, and went through the moving door. It was freezing inside the hospital, it always was. She headed to the elevators, and waited amongst the people. The doors opened, people got out, and Marissa got in. The button for Seth's floor was already pushed, Marissa just stood there. Someone got off on every level, it began to irk Marissa. When would they get to Seth's floor? But then, she noticed someone she knew on the elevator. Holly. She looked different. She was dead pale, shaking, and crying.

"Holly?" Marissa found herself saying. Holly turned around and saw Marissa.

"Oh. Hi, Marissa." She greeted Marissa. Holly didn't seem very glad to see Marissa. Right then, Marissa forgot about what had happened so long ago between Holly and Luke.

"What's wrong?" Marissa wanted to know.

"My sister. She was hurt in the shooting. Something is going wrong with her breathing." Marissa remembered Liz, Holly's little sister. It must have been Liz's first year at Harbor High. "Well, this is my stop. Bye." Holly began to get out.

"I hope she gets better." Marissa told Holly, who turned around.

"Thanks." Holly gave a weak smile and left. Marissa hadn't even thought about all the other people affected by the shooting. She was already sorting through enough drama with Seth. The elevator finally got to Seth's floor. Marissa stepped off the elevator, and walked to his room. The walk was short, and she could see Seth lying on the bed from the door. As she went in, she could see Kirsten sitting on a chair.

"Hi, Mrs. Cohen." Marissa greeted Kirsten, who looked away from Seth and to Marissa.

"Marissa, hi. How are you?" She tried to put on a good front, but Kirsten couldn't do it. She was too depressed.

"I'm okay. What about you?" Marissa asked, everything felt strange now.

"Same." Kirsten looked back to Seth sadly. He hadn't moved, of course.

"Has he..." Marissa started, but she didn't need to say more. Kirsten knew who and what she was talking about. There was no answer, but the obvious.

"No." Kirsten shook her head. "I heard about Summer. How is she?" It was horrible what happened to Summer.

"I tried seeing her yesterday, but no one was home." Marissa hoped the Roberts' hadn't taken Summer away. But she doubted Summer's father even knew her problems. Marissa knew all about Summer's arguments with her dad.

"Oh. School starts up tomorrow, doesn't it?" Kirsten knew Ryan would have to go.

"Yeah. We gotta go back." Just talking about the school sent shivers down her spine. How would she react once she was back inside?

"I don't think I ever could've gone back." Kirsten commented. She was barely able to watch it on the television, how must it feel to be in it?

"Right." Marissa didn't know what to say. She couldn't say anything else. She hated talking about it.

"Um, I'm gonna go get a cup of coffee or something so you can be alone with...." Kirsten didn't finish. She never said his name. It just hurt too much to say it. Marisa nodded, and watched Kirsten get up and leave. She suddenly didn't want to be alone with him. She wanted to run, but her feet stay stuck. And then they moved her closer to him. Why was she doing this? She didn't want to, but yet she was.

"Hey Seth." She found herself saying and then sitting where Kirsten had been. All she had ever don't was just watch him, Marissa never spoke to him. "Um, school's restarting tomorrow and it's been about two weeks." Marissa didn't know what to say. Everything around her was sadness, what good was there? "Seth..." For some reason, Marissa wanted to pour her heart out to him. Tell him everything she felt, all her pain. He would listen, no one did. She didn't want to be told it would be all right, she just wanted someone to listen. She had tried to talk to with Ryan, but he didn't listen, he suggested.

"Seth, you've gotta wake up. We're all kind of lost inside." How could it be, that a boy who barely existed a year ago, now ruin everyone? Seth meant so much to everyone, he didn't even know. What would happen if he woke up? Not if, it was definite. Seth had to wake up, he couldn't stay like he was forever, could he? What if he did? Everyone would break down, just like Summer did. She was the first, there were many more to come. "When are you waking up, Seth?"

Marissa had been using his name. It was easier to say it with no one in the room. No one else that could talk, at least. Marissa stared down at him, his eyes closed shut. Marissa couldn't remember the last time she had spoken to him. It had been before her mother's wedding, when she had Seth had used Ryan to get girls and get out of fights. He had started it of course, and then he left. She never would've thought that would the last conversation that she would have with him, would be a stupid argument that didn't matter. She might have spoken to him once after that, but that's it. Summer always pulled Marissa away when Seth came near. She always thought Summer would eventually cool off and get back together with Seth. But they never had a chance.

"Seth, I am so sorry. For everything. It seems like the last few months have disappeared." It was true. Seth in a coma made everything come into focus, and most arguments seemed to evaporate. Marissa couldn't help but look at Seth. He was at peace, yet the world around him wasn't. Newport was filled with sadness, they could barely smile now. The times Marissa was with Ryan, she smiled, and he did also. The gift shop, the Ferris wheel, the spinning ride, were the happiest times in Marissa's life for a while. Marissa hadn't smiled since seeing Summer in that fun house. That image, along with what she saw in the shooting would be burned in her head. For a while, Marissa had forgotten what happened in the school. She suddenly remembered the girl. Marissa thought that was the hardest thing to deal with from the shooting. But it wasn't. Watching Seth lie on the bed, waiting for him to wake up was. He wasn't dead, he was kind of alive. Alive, but dead. In limbo. Waiting for the gates to open, or for him to fall back to Earth.

"Seth, you mean more to us than you could ever imagine." Marissa was almost in tears. She had been denying all this pain she felt, it couldn't stay down any longer. She would only cry, now break down like Summer. Summer had suppressed her pain for way too long, Summer had still been upset about Seth leaving so many months ago. When did Newport get so fucked up? Nothing was right anymore, the shooting had left everyone alone and empty. Something disappeared that day, who knew what. But there was a void in everyone. So many lives were broken, so many had taken their last breath. Everyone had see Columbine on the news, but they weren't running out of it. Everyone watched September 11th, but they weren't the ones falling from the building or running down the stairs terrified. No one thought the news would come to them. But it did, and they were stuck with it.

"Seth......" Marissa began, but she never finished. She didn't know what else to say. No words formed in her mouth, and she was just left with the word hanging in the air. Her visit wasn't going as she had planned. She had hoped she could just talk to Seth, and she would be okay, and Seth would soon wake up. But none of that was happening. And Marissa didn't know when Seth would wake up. Maybe he never would. As much as Marissa didn't want to think about it, it was possible. Seth might never wake up. He might be in that coma, lying there forever. It was a bad thought, but a possible one. It was everyone's worst fear, losing Seth. And now, Marissa was afraid for Summer, whom she hadn't seen in a day and a half. Life sucked lately, and it seemed like it would get worse and worse. School would start, and they would have to go without Seth. How would they get through? Marissa wiped a tear away, she was getting too upset, she had to leave.

"Don't leave us Seth. We miss you too much already." And then she walked away.


	9. Going Back

Marissa stood staring at Harbor High's front doors. She shuddered, how could she go through them? Just two weeks ago, all the students, or most, came running out there. Ambulances and cop cars flooded the parking lot, students by the dozen pulled out on stretchers. It was dubbed the Harbor High massacre by the media. And now, Marissa Cooper was staring at it. She was afraid of going in, it scared her. She was alone, she hadn't seen Summer or Ryan yet. She had to battle the memories herself.

Marissa took a step and another, until she was inside the building. She shuddered again, the memories came flooding back to her. A memorial area had been placed in the lobby, Marissa went over to look at it. A "Those Who Are To Be Remembered," one held photographs and names of the people who died. Next to it, another one for "Those To Be In Our Prayers," held names and photos of people still in the hospital. There were no pictures of Seth, so Marissa went to one of her folders. She had taken photos of Ryan, Seth, and Summer the one weekend, she finally found a good one of Seth. He was laughing, not fully knowing Marissa was taking the picture. It was different than other photos of him, he never usually smiled. But this one was different, he was happy, smiling. Marissa grinned sadly and placed her favorite photo of him. He shouldn't be left out of the prayers.

There were so many more people hurt or killed in the shooting than Marissa had imagined. She had heard rumors of a bomb going off, and killing people in the gym, but there was no information to back that rumor. It was so sad to think these people, who she walked in the halls with, would never be seen in them again.

Marissa turned around, she walked on, she didn't want to look at it anymore. It brought her too much pain to look at the happy faces staring back at her. They hadn't had a clue they would die running down the halls. They didn't know what was lying ahead, the gun that would eventually kill them.

She headed to her locker and grabbed her books. Two weeks ago, she had done the same thing, unaware of the terror that would soon commence.

She next went to her home room, she should be in it. His locker wasn't far from hers, they were allowed to choose their lockers. When they had chosen, Marissa and Seth weren't on the best of terms. Ryan was in the home room next to theirs, it was alphabetical. Marissa peered in, and saw him sitting there, not knowing what to do.

"Ryan." She whispered to him, and he looked up. He saw her and since they could leave their home rooms, he got up and went over. "Hey." She said, trying to look happy.

"Hey." He said. He was his usual, non-talkative self.

"So, did you see the memorial in the lobby?" That was the only thing Marissa could some up with.

"Yeah, I did." He felt awkward, alone.. He had walked to school, never picking up his bike in the two weeks they weren't there.

"I put a picture of Seth on the one. There wasn't any." Marissa told him proudly.

"I know." Marissa was confused. "I saw you put it up."

"Oh." Marissa didn't know what to say. If Ryan had seen her, then why didn't he talk to her? "So, any change with...?" Marissa asked.

"No. As usual." Ryan answered. Seth hadn't moved for about two weeks. That wasn't good.

"Oh. I guess I'll go to home room so, I'll see you later Ryan." Marissa was out of things to say.

"All right. Bye." Ryan went back into his home room. She sighed, frustrated. Marissa went to her own home room. There was less people in it, obviously. She sat in her usual seat, next to no one. Seth used to sit in the back. Marissa had wanted him to sit by het, but it didn't matter. Summer and her usually just signed in and left until first period. Those times were the closest they were to getting to before Ryan came. They cherished those alone times. They reaped havoc, kissed their boyfriends of the week. It had been during fourth period that it happened. Marissa had nowhere to go, she saw there alone.

"Class," the home room teachers began, "we have an assembly right no. so, if you will follow me..." Marissa stood up, she knew what the assembly was about. Everyone did. She followed the rest of her class to the auditorium and kept a lookout for Summer, but Marissa didn't see her. She did see Ryan, who looked very out of place in the mass of students, now lightly deceased, but more out of place than usual. She followed him as he got into the auditorium and as he took his seat. She got into the auditorium, looking for a friendly face, but there were none. Sadness was on everyone's face, no happiness was around. The only person she knew was Ryan.

"Is this seat taken?" Marissa asked once she was next to Ryan. He looked up, not expecting her. Their relationship was so much more complicated now. Sometimes they were together, sometimes they were just friends, and sometimes, they barely knew each other.

"No." He shook his head, and she sat down, immediately feeling the tension. They looked the other way, not wanting to see each other. She awkwardly waited for the assembly to begin.

"Good morning, Harbor High. As you all know what happened two weeks ago, we are continuing school through the tragic loss of students." Dr. Kim began. "Our school counselors are always here to help and listen. Everyone here had gone through what happened and we all have changed. Some of us have lost sisters, brothers, best friends, cousins. But as a whole, we will get through this and continue on with the education provided. Memorials have been placed in the lobby, and anyone can put a picture of one who we lost, or one who is still in the hospital. What these six students did was so tragic and horrible. There is no appropriate punishment for them, but we can not punish them. On the day they took so many lives, they took their own." Marissa thought back to the day. She had never seen anything like that. Those killers, those cold-blooded, dead-hearted people had been students. People she had walked by every day. What did they think before it? Did they remember every tiny wrong that a person did to them and go after them first? Had they judged every person as they walked by? Had they crossed off the people they would kill in their yearbook? The thoughts made Marissa shiver. She felt cold inside. Ryan sensed something was wrong, but he didn't say anything. What could he? "We will now take a moment of silence for those who lost their lives, and pray for those trying to keep their lives and get out of the hospital." No one spoke. Marissa didn't know whether to bow her head or to close her eyes, or do both. So she sat there, afraid to screw up. She thought of Seth, then Summer. Two of her best friends weren't there because of the shooting. Directly and indirectly. When would they ever be able to go back to the way they were? They never could. It'd never be the same.

The assembly was over soon, and Marissa jumped out of her seat, trying to get away from the awkwardness between her and Ryan. She darted to her first period class, which she used to have with Seth. As she walked through the halls, the memories were there. Imaginary screams played tricks to her ears, and she walked by the library. Where she found Summer, and they tried to get away. The corner was intoxicating, she couldn't stop staring at it. People in the halls didn't rush or run, they walked, taking in the school. They all remembered what happened, and some specific spots, like the corner Marissa was looking at, brought back specific memories. She shook herself out of her trance and continued on. Her first class on the second floor, so she began up the stairs. She had been one of the first out of the auditorium, and she was the only one on the stairs. Her steps made echoes and she got to the second floor. There were a couple people already on the second level, and she headed to her class. Marissa had been on the first floor during the shooting, she didn't know what had happened on the other levels. She walked past lockers, and one in particular made her shudder for no reason. She didn't know it then, but that had been the locker Seth had fallen on when he was shot.

Marissa walked into her classroom, the teacher and a few students were there already. She took her seat, and saw quietly like the rest were doing. Her seat was near the back, she was on the far left, while Seth was one row up, on the far right. The class was Chemistry II, everyone had lab partners. Marissa's was a supposed super gifted, majorly talented voila player named Gabby. They never talked a lot, other than doing labs. Marissa mostly wrote a note to Summer, the only person worth getting a note at that time. She would see Summer in the hall after first period, where Marissa would get a note from Summer. Gabby just paid attention, was super-smart, and got Marissa through the class. But Gabby never walked in the room.

Class was about to start, and they were missing about seven in their class. The teacher took attendance, no one had to explain where someone was. Marissa paid no attention, she just stared at Seth's empty chair. He had always paid attention, just like Gabby. It was strange not seeing him there, as of then he had perfect attendance. The teacher could barely teach them anything, all their minds were preoccupied. The teacher was too depressed. She had watched her students die, the promising ones and the not so promising ones. It was a rough time for everyone.

Marissa stared at the clock, waiting for the bell to ring. But that would be a while. Marissa didn't want to break tradition. She took out a piece of paper and on the top, she wrote Summer's name. But she didn't know what else to write. Summer wasn't even there. So, on it, she wrote three simple words: _I miss you, _and signed it. Summer would never get it, but Marissa hated breaking her tradition, and then she folded it up like all the other notes. She stared at Seth's chair, every minute was like an hour. Marissa would never make it through the day. She missed Seth too much, when would he wake up?

The class inched by, but the bell finally rang. Marissa breathed a sigh of relief, and left the room. she headed to the note pass-off, hoping Summer was actually at school, but she wasn't there. Marissa looked down at her note, she didn't know where to put it. She didn't want to throw it away, so she stuffed it in her pocket and went on sadly.

The next two periods were much easier to get through, those teachers actually taught something. But as she walked to her fourth period class, the shivers ran down her sine. This was the class were it all started, where Marissa watched someone die. She stepped in the room, and every memory flooded back. She took her seat, and the board glared back at her. The image of herself and the girl appeared. Marissa could see herself working on math problems she understood, she was proud, math was always her weakness. She had been finishing up her problems and walking back to her seat when a gun shot went off. Everyone had stopped dead in their tracks, and then soon a guy came in. Nobody knew what was happening. It was so strange. The guy shot, everyone feared they were hit. He left, and they could hear the panic and terror all around them. Then the girl next to Marissa collapsed on her. Marissa didn't know what was wrong. Until she saw the blood. Marissa had never seen so much blood. She tried to keep the girl alive, but Marissa knew in her heart, the girl had died. Tears poured from her eyes, she had to leave. But she didn't, she stay glued to the floor, holding the girl, staring at her. Marissa stayed there for a bit longer, then she finally left. After seeing that girl, she knew she would never be the same. No one would.

Marissa eventually tore her gaze from the board, and she looked to her notebook. She never carried many, just enough. But as she stared at the notebook, she knew it was almost time. Almost when it happened. All around were the memories, she couldn't take them. Her eyes went up to the white board again. Very faintly, she could see her own work, of course it was when she really concentrated. And on the other side Marissa could see the girl's writing. The long line as the girl had fallen, right into Marissa's arms. Marissa didn't know how much the shooting had affected her, other than the obvious. She was trying to bury her pain inside, lock it away, keep it hidden. In other words, doing a Ryan. Ryan was always the guy who never said his feelings, he was hiding them. Marissa wasn't Ryan, she didn't hold her emotions back. But yet, maybe she was. Without knowing it. Maybe she was hiding them so fast, she never had to feel them. Why had she been so normal when the shooting happened? The pieces were beginning to fit. Shouldn't she be acting like Summer? That was what Marissa did best, fall apart. She had done it do many times. Was a new Marissa taking place? One to hide the sadness, one to help others, one who didn't care about herself. One who neglected herself, who needed to drink. Marissa needed a sip of beautiful freedom. She needed her release, from the world, everything.

"Ms. Cooper? Ms. Cooper!" Marissa blinked herself out of her thoughts. Thirty eyes bore down at her with worry. She was on the floor, how did she get down there? "Ms. Cooper, are you all right?" The teacher was beside Marissa now, who had a tear rolling down her face. When had she started crying? Marissa was confused, had she blacked out? "Ms. Cooper?"

"What happened?" Marissa whispered, still lost

"You seemed to have fainted or something, and you fell out of your chair." Marissa hadn't done that in a while. The last she did was when she was eight, she was in class, and she just collapsed. Her father's parents had died in a car accident just a week earlier.

"May I be excused?" Marissa was freaked, she needed to breathe. The room was suffocating her.

"Yes, go to the nurse's. don't worry about a pass. Just go." Marissa nodded and got her stuff. She left the room, air filled her lungs. New tears produced from behind her eyes as she walked. Finally, she leaned on a locker, everything was overwhelming. She couldn't take it. Her hidden emotions came into focus, she cried harder. How could the world fall apart a second time?

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Ryan stared down at Marissa in disappointment. She was under a tree, it was lunch, her arms pulled her knees close to her body. Her hair was draped over her face, which was resting on her knees. She was trembling, you could hear her crying. Ryan had thought she was stronger than this. Marissa had gotten better. Sure, she cried, but under the circumstances, she didn't cry as much as most people. Ryan didn't cry. He never cried. He learned that lesson a long time ago.

Marissa didn't notice him, she didn't care. She was crying everything out. Where else could she? Nowhere was safe. Everywhere had too many memories. She cried a couple times under this tree before, she carved a tally mark every time she did. She hadn't cried at this tree for a long time.

"What are you doing?" Ryan asked, but he knew the answer. He showed no emotion, it would make him weak.

"Go away." Marissa muttered, head still resting on her knees. She didn't want to have Ryan see her like this, but he already had. Many, many times.

"Marissa...." Ryan said, he wanted her to get up. She had gotten stronger, at least he thought she did.

"What?" She finally looked up, her face was red and tear stained.

"Don't do this." Ryan didn't want to lose Marissa like she had lost Summer. Everyone was falling apart, and Ryan didn't want to be left alone. He didn't know what would happen if he was alone. It was just, Ryan was only together because of Marissa.

"Don't do what?" She stared up at him, waiting for him to swoop down and take her away from this misery. That's what Ryan did. He was her hero. He saved her.

"This. Crying. Falling apart, whatever the hell you wanna call it." Ryan sat down next to her. That wasn't what she was expecting.

"Why shouldn't I, Ryan? This wasn't supposed to happen." Marissa was calming down a bit, her tears were falling down slower.

"What wasn't supposed to happen?" Ryan was confused by Marissa's answer.

"This! You leaving. Seth leaving, me and Summer hating your guts. That wasn't supposed to happen. _This_ wasn't supposed to happen. We weren't supposed to be mad at each other until this brought us back. Seth isn't supposed to be in a fucking coma, Summer isn't fucking supposed to be, I don't even know where. None of this was supposed to happen! Last year everything happened to us. This year it was gonna be someone else. Not us. We've suffered too much." Marissa was mad at the world, she hated it. It was going too fast, too sad, and Marissa was falling fast. She was okay until today. Well, sorta okay. All her mistakes came back to haunt her today.

"Calm down, Marissa. It's okay. It'll be okay." Ryan tried to put her at ease.

"No. No, it won't be. It'll never be. We can never go back to when it was. It'll never be okay again." Marissa had stopped crying, but she knew that wouldn't last long. Ryan didn't know what to say, she silenced him. Not like that was hard. He didn't know how to react. He also was upset about what was happening, but Marissa was taking it harder. Marissa always took things the hardest, it was in her nature. "Aren't you gonna say anything?" She asked, wanting Ryan to speak. She hated the silence, it was the calm before the storm.

"What do you want me to say?" Ryan didn't have anything to tell her, she was pushing him away.

"I don't know....something at least." Marissa wanted to be happy again, not this.

"Well, I don't know either. You're crying again and this is the billionth time I've seen you cry. Nothing cheers you up." Marissa always seemed to be crying, whenever something happened. Ryan never said it, but he was proud of her for letting her sadness out. She could, he couldn't. Over the years, he conditioned himself not to cry. If you cry, you lose. They beat you. You're weak. You can't handle it. That was what would go through Ryan's head every time he got hit. He couldn't let them win. He was stronger than that. If you get hit, you hit them right back. Ryan knew how to protect himself against his enemies, he had lots of practice. You just can't cry. Really this wasn't the truth with crying, but Ryan had made himself believe that.

"What? Do you think I'm weak if I cry a lot?" Marissa was taking what Ryan said the wrong way. How could she not? No, Marissa wasn't weak if she cried, Ryan was if he did. The rule only applied to him, everyone else could believe whatever they want.

"No, I didn't say that..." Ryan tried to redeem himself, but Marissa never paid attention.

"Well sorry Ryan, we're not all as _strong_ as you are. We can't keep our feelings inside like you. We're just not that _strong._" The second the words left Marissa's mouth, she wanted to take them back. She shouldn't have said that, that wasn't right. Ryan looked down, he seemed hurt, but Marissa couldn't tell. "Ryan...." She started, but he ignored her.

"I gotta go." Ryan was done. Marissa screwed up, she knew she did. "See ya." Ryan stood up and walked away. He left the courtyard, went past the parking lot.

"Ryan!" Marissa called after him, but she knew it was no use. He left his bike behind and began his trek to the Cohens' pool house. He didn't want to talk, he wanted to be alone. Talking screws everything up. Both of them said the wrong things, and look where it got them. Marissa fell back on the tree as she cried harder, she hated herself. These were the moments she needed Summer, but Summer was gone. At least the old Summer was. She was horribly different now, less talkative, introverted.

The cars sped by Ryan, but he didn't notice. He was mad. At Marissa, at himself more so. Marissa didn't know him as well as he thought. She still assumed by looking at his exterior. He was different inside, he had emotions. Inside, he was scared. Being in the school freaked him out, but no one knew that. He had wished for Seth so he could lighten the mood, but Seth hadn't moved yet. Ryan began to doubt it would ever happen, Seth waking up. Given, it was only two weeks, but every day was like a lifetime. How much longer would everyone be able to get through?

Marissa still stared to where Ryan had been as he left. She felt horrible, why did she say the things she did? She hadn't been thinking, how stupid of her. Life was a mess now, Marissa doubted Ryan would come back to school. He probably hated her and everyone else. Hell, she did too.

Ryan finally go to the Cohens'. Sandy and Kirsten were at the hospital, Day 12 of the comatose Seth. Ryan went to the pool house, and collapsed on the bed. Silence surrounded him, it finally felt okay to him. For a while, silence was his enemy, he fought to keep it at bay. But finally, it was his friend, his only friend, comforting him. Ryan didn't want to move ever again, he was tired and content. A seagull called off in the distance. Ryan wanted to sleep for the last few days, but he had been waking up from nightmares. Every so often, Ryan would have a nightmare of his past, something that never seemed to leave his side. As far as he could run from it, it always came back. Some how, some way.

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**Okay, so I don't usually put a message after a chapter, but I don't want to lose my readers! I know this was a little short, and a little depressing, but I'm hoping to make the next two or so chapters not very depressing. Sadness will happen, that's a given, but it won't be as depressing, I promise. Seth will be waking up soon, don't worry. Summer will have a chapter pretty soon, but she's pretty depressing to write right now, so she'll be a little later. I hope you all like the chapter, and I can't wait til you read what I have in store! Sethness, Summereth, Kandy, and Ryarissa. LOL. So, can't wait to read your reviews!(please do review, I live for the moment I get more...ha.) Bye!**

**Ali **


	10. Realizing

By the time Thanksgiving came in, routine had finally become routine. Almost two weeks had transpired, Seth was still in his coma, Summer had yet to be heard from, and Kirsten cried more everyday, though she was trying to quit. It would be her first Thanksgiving without her son. She tried to just pass right through it, and hopefully head to Chrismukkah, where she could bury herself in work, but Sandy wouldn't let her. She had to be strong. But who was she kidding? Tears would roll down her eyes every time she was alone. Seth had destroyed her before, he was doing it again.

She sat in the kitchen, sipping coffee, it was Thanksgiving morning. Kirsten just thought they could go out, nothing special. But she doubted everyone would agree. It was Day 23 of Seth in a coma, they were nearing a month soon. Ryan had just woken up, and came into the kitchen.

"Morning Kirsten." Ryan greeted her and poured a cup of coffee.

"Morning. And happy Thanksgiving." Kirsten said back, the two hadn't talked in a bit.

"Well, happy Thanksgiving to you too." Ryan felt a tiny smile form on his face. She smiled also, glad that at least Ryan was still in the house.

"How's school been? You haven't really said anything about it." In fact, Ryan hadn't really said a thing. He just decided to be quiet.

"It's been okay. Some teachers are just letting us have a free period, and others are piling it on thick." Ryan seemed okay talking about it, Kirsten didn't know how he acted with something like this. She was never with him when something horrible happened.

"Well, that's good." Kirsten thought about Seth, why was he still in the coma? When would he wake up? These questions haunted Kirsten every minute.

"What's up?" Ryan noticed Kirsten was distancing herself.

"Hmm?" She was surprised. Why would Ryan care?

"You just seem a little out there. What's up?" Ryan explained, waiting for an answer.

"I'm just thinking about how much I wanted Seth to be awake for Thanksgiving. So I could say, 'Thank you God for bringing my son back.' But I can't, he's still asleep." Kirsten would not cry. She hadn't cried for eighteen hours, it was an all time high. It was the record, she wasn't breaking it.

"Well, he's not dead." Ryan didn't know what else to say.

"Yeah, I guess, but still..." Kirsten didn't continue.

"I got ya. So, are you still going on with Thanksgiving?" Ryan didn't know what to expect. He was fine not having the holiday, he only had it about four times in all his life. His mother always said it was a waste of money and time, buying a giant turkey. But when they did have Thanksgiving, they would go to Boston Market, and get their dinner. Not all that fancy, but it still stuck out in Ryan's mind as some of the happiest moments with his family. His dad was still there.

"Yeah. Sandy's making me. But we're just probably going out to eat. I'll probably invite my dad and Hailey." Kirsten told him.

"So the Coopers are coming?" They laughed.

"Yeah. And I thought I would invite Summer, so that'll be eleven." Kirsten counted.

"Nine." Ryan corrected her.

"What?" Kirsten didn't understand.

"I doubt Summer will come, she hasn't been back to school yet. And Seth...." Ryan told her.

"Oh." Kirsten forgot about Seth being in a coma for a split second. In that split second, Seth was okay. The world was okay. "Well, I'll just go call them and see if they want to come." She grabbed the phone and began to dial. First her dad, who accepted, and then her sister at Jimmy's.

"Hello?" Hailey picked up after two rings.

"Hey Hailey, it's Kirsten."

"Oh hey. What's up?" Hailey hoped it was nothing bad about Seth.

"I wanted to see if you, Jimmy, Marissa, and Kaitlin would come to dinner for Thanksgiving with us." Kirsten proposed the idea.

"Is Dad coming?" Hailey still wasn't on good terms with her new step-mom.

"Yes, of course." Kirsten knew who Hailey had really been referring to.

"Fine. We'll come. As long as..." Hailey started to say.

"You don't have to sit anywhere near Julie." Kirsten finished Hailey's sentence.

"Right. How did you know?" Hailey was surprised.

"I've paid attention." Kirsten said.

"Oh. Well, I gotta go. I'll see you later, okay?"

"Love you." Kirsten had to say it.

"Love you too sis." Hailey hung up.

Marissa was listening to the whole conversation. For Thanksgiving, she would be going to the Cohens'. Which meant Ryan, and no Seth. How fun.

"Hi." Kaitlin stood at Marissa's doorway.

"Not watching the Macy's Thanksgiving Day Parade?" Ever since the girls could turn on the television, they watched that parade. Marissa was gonna watch it a little later.

"It's on a commercial break." Kaitlin answered plainly.

"Oh, so you can only talk to your sister when there's a commercial." Marissa pointed out.

"Yeah." Kaitlin agreed. "You usually watch it with me."

"I was gonna come down in a bit." That was true, Marissa had wanted some alone time for a tiny bit more.

"It'll be over by then." Kaitlin wanted to hang out with her sister.

"That's a lie, and you know it. It's on for like, the whole day." Marissa looked at Kaitlin. She hadn't talked to her in a while. Marissa was always worrying about someone.

"Whatever." Kaitlin was disappointed, she loved her sister, and she just wanted to be with her.

"Go back down. I'll be there in a bit." Marissa was only half paying attention, and she turned away.

"You know, I hear you at night." Kaitlin knew Marissa had made mistakes in the past, more than both liked to know about. Kaitlin knew more about Marissa than Marissa thought she did. Kaitlin had seen her cry and drink a while lot. She wished she could help her, she now would at least try.

"What?" Marissa looked back at Kaitlin. Was this true?"

"I hear you crying. Almost every night. Hailey does it too." Kaitlin told Marissa.

"It's okay to cry. Don't worry, I'm fine." Marissa attempted to cheer up her sister.

"But you don't get it."

"Get what?" Marissa didn't understand.

"It makes me sad when you cry." Kaitlin finally said it to Marissa.

"Why does it make you sad?" Marissa asked softly, she was touched.

"Because I want to help you. But I can't." Kaitlin looked up at her big sis.

"It's kinda hard to explain. Why I cry. You remember our old neighbors, the Cohens?" Marissa had walked over, and Kaitlin nodded to her question.

"Well, their son, Seth got hurt." Marissa put it ass nicely as she could.

"I remember him. He used to babysit me. He was cool. But he always talked about Summer." Kaitlin commented.

"He did?" Marissa thought it was cute that Seth used to always talk about Summer.

"Yeah. He used to ask me questions about her. He really loved her."

"He still does. And she does too." Marissa smiled.

"She must be taking him being hurt really hard." Kaitlin guessed.

"She's dealing." Marissa didn't want to think about Summer, that was too depressing. She wanted to stay in the good moment.

"You shouldn't cry that much." Kaitlin started that conversation up again.

"That was random." Marissa joked.

"I know, but you still shouldn't." Kaitlin couldn't see how her sister was so sad.

"Crying is a release of emotion." Marissa tried to make it seen as though crying was really good.

"But if you cry that much, what emotion is there left to release?" Kaitlin was smart, Marissa had to admit. She had a point. Sure, Marissa was sad, but she shouldn't be crying that much.

"There's a lot of emotions." Marissa covered quickly.

"Oh." That wasn't the answer Kaitlin wanted.

"Don't worry about me, Kaitlin. I'm fine." Marissa reassured her.

"Are you Marissa? You cry yourself to sleep, you're sad. And that makes me sad. You make people sad when you cry, don't you notice that? It hurts us because you're hurt. We wanna help you, but we can't." Marissa was overcome with emotion. She wouldn't cry, that was what this talk was all about. Kaitlin really cared, she hadn't expected anyone to.

"I love you Kaitlin." Marissa hugged her sister, feeling closer than ever.

"I love you too." Kaitlin hugged back and grinned. She wanted to help Marissa, maybe she finally was.

"Come on, do you wanna watch the parade? I'm pretty sure it's back on." Marissa felt good when she was with Kaitlin, nothing bothered her. Maybe Kaitlin's innocence rubbed of on Marissa. Kaitlin hadn't seen the horrors Marissa had, Kaitlin was too young to understand everything around her, even if she was eleven.

That went down to the living room, the parade was on. Hailey and Jimmy were nowhere in sight, the girls say down on the couch. They didn't say anything for a while, they didn't need to. The two felt good just with each other's company. But after a while, Kaitlin spoke.

"So, who are you having Thanksgiving with? Mom or Dad?"

"Well, with Mom, we go with her and Caleb to the Cohens, _or_ we go with Dad and Hailey, and go to the Cohens." Marissa answered.

"We're going to the Cohens?" Kaitlin joked.

"Yeah." Marissa laughed. She felt okay around Kaitlin, she didn't need to cry.

"Hey look, it's Hilary Duff!" Kaitlin exclaimed and pointed to the television. There Hilary was, singing her song, "Fly."

"You like her?" Hilary was definitely not Marissa's choice. She liked deep, loud, rock. She liked to drown out everything around her and only her and the music mattered.

"Yeah. Don't you?" Kaitlin had both her CDs, and knew every word to all the songs. Hilary was quite popular to the preteens of Newport Beach.

"Not my favorite, Kaitlin." She said it nicely, not wanting to hurt Kaitlin's feelings. Hilary rolled away off the screen, and soon...The Big Man himself appeared.

"It's Santa!" Marissa didn't know if Kaitlin still believed in Santa.

"You still believe in him?" Marissa asked.

"No." Kaitlin tried to seem cool.

"It's okay if you do." In fact, Marissa wished she still did beleve in Santa. She would put up at the top of her Christmas wish list, "Seth to wake up, and Summer to be okay." Believing in Santa was a time of pure childhood, no drama.

"I don't. Mom and Dad are the ones who do." Obviously, Julie and Jimmy hadn't gotten the memo that Kaitlin didn't believe.

"Okay. Fine with me." The two girls watched as Santa waved to the crowd in the cold New York. Somewhere Marissa had never been. She never experienced the cold, she never saw real snow. All she ever saw was sunny, hot days filled with drama and uproar. They were nowhere near the calm of the snow.

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Seven of the desired nine sat in the restaurant lobby, waiting for the infamous couple, Julie and Caleb. Everyone was relatively dressed up nicely, the guys stood while the girls sat on a long bench.

"Finally." Kirsten said upon seeing her father and Julie walking up to them. "Where were you guys? You're ten minutes late."

"Kirsten, it's Thanksgiving. There _is_ something called traffic." Julie sneered. Kirsten ignored what Julie said, she wasn't in the mood. She just wanted to get through the dinner.

A hostess directed the group to a large table where Sandy sat at the end of one side and Jimmy was at the other end. Kirsten sat next to Sandy, then Ryan and Marissa. Hailey sat across from Jimmy, then Kaitlin, Julie, and finally Caleb. No one spoke, they sat there looking at their menus. A waiter finally came, relieving them of their awkwardness. They ordered, and soon the awkwardness settled back in.

Marissa stared blankly at the table. What else could she look at? She didn't want to stare at the people that surrounded her, she felt uncomfortable.

"So....Dad. How's work going?" Kirsten tried to initiate conversation.

"Quite fine, Kiki. Thank you for asking." Caleb replied, not looking up, as he read the wine list. Kirsten hadn't been into work for a while, Seth had been taking up all her mind. She knew her dad needed her, to help keep his business afloat. Lately, everyone was pitted against everyone else.

"Um Kirsten...." Hailey began to ask about Seth, but stopped. Kirsten had a sense of what Hailey wanted to say. She shook her head, providing the answer. They wanted to stay relatively happy, with no outbursts of tears. And that would mean not actually mentioning Seth.

Hailey didn't even want to be this close to Julie. Julie had been using Hailey's dad, and had used her boyfriend. Hailey hated Julie Nichol, Cooper, whatever the hell she felt like being this week. Hailey had visited Seth numerous times, Julie had visited maybe twice. Caleb was Seth's grandfather, shouldn't he be visiting a lot? But no, Julie and Caleb lived in their own little world where none of the Cohens, Coopers, or Nichols existed.

Hailey looked over to Ryan, who sat there thinking about something else. Marissa had taken to staring out a window, the two looked like an unlikely couple. But they were. Weren't they? Hailey had lost track.

Sandy could feel his wife trembling. Silence was when she didn't work well. Quiet was torture, she usually cried then. Maybe the dinner hadn't been such a great idea. He held her hand, trying to get her to calm down.

Kirsten couldn't do it. She was gonna cry. The knot formed in her throat, the water came to her eyes.

"Excuse me," Kirsten whispered and left the table. Sandy began to get up, but Hailey stopped him.

"I'll go talk to her," Hailey go tup and started to follow Kirsten when Julie also got up.

"I'll come and help." Hailey turned around to Julie. She was pissed.

"You've done enough." She didn't say anything else, she didn't want to start a fight. Julie could do that.

"And what is that supposed to mean?" Julie either was playing dumb, or really wanted to get into a fight.

"You know exactly what I mean." Hailey was ready.

"Well, obviously I don't, because if I did, I wouldn't be asking." Julie never liked Hailey, never once.

"Your step-grandson is in the hospital. In a coma. And you don't even have the common courtesy to even see him." Hailey hated mentioning it, but she was mad at Julie.

"Hailey, my point exactly. The boy is in a coma, he can't see or hear us, so why bother? I have been incredibly busy, I can't waste time staring at someone who won't wake up." Julie proved her point. Everyone was appalled at what she said, even Caleb.

"Julie, there's a little something called love. Maybe you've heard of it, since you obviously can't comprehend it. People care about him, you don't. All you care about is who is gonna pay your bills next month." No one spoke, and Ryan tried to sneak away, but Sandy caught him.

"Hey, where ya going?" Sandy asked, wondering.

"Get some air." Ryan told him.

"Don't wanna be here when the fur flies?" Sandy joked, meaning Julie and Hailey.

"Yeah, sorta." Ryan smiled and left. Marissa watched as he left, she wondered why.

"You only married my dad for his money!" Hailey exclaimed.

"That's a lie. He doesn't have any money and I still love him." Julie composed herself.

"You married him knowing he had money." Hailey remarked coldly.

Marissa was done. She needed some air. Partially, she did want to talk to Ryan, but she didn't want to see Hailey and Julie fighting. She left the table, telling her dad she'd be back and went to the outside of the restaurant.

"Hey." She greeted him, he was leaning on a pillar, hands in pockets.

"Hey." Ryan looked over, surprised to see her there.

"Thought you'd be smoking or something like that." Marissa thought back to the first time they met. He had been smoking, she borrowed one, they felt the connection.

"Nah, I quit that a long time ago. I just wanted some air. How about you?" It was a rule that you couldn't smoke in the Cohens' house, and Ryan wanted to stay there.

"I'm sick of my mom and Hailey fighting." The argument had been going on for so long, it was getting boring.

"They're still at it?" Ryan asked, amused.

"Of course they are. When aren't they?" The two sounded as though they were friends, not the complicated mess that they really were. They kept their conversation fairly not depressing, the world was getting to be too much around them. Each other was their release from the sadness, they needed each other. They fit the puzzle perfectly. But too much was separating them. "I can't believe it's been almost a month." Marissa commented, noticing the silence.

"Yeah, doesn't seem like it." Ryan looked over as Marissa came closer.

"Right. I wanna say that it's been going by really fast, and it's all of a sudden a month, but that's not true. Everyday has been like..." Marissa sat on the ledge Ryan was already sitting on.

"Forever?" Ryan finished the sentence for her.

"Yeah....forever." She smiled at him and a tiny smile came on his face, better than none. "Do you ever think it's your fault?"

"What?" Ryan didn't understand her question.

"I mean, like, do you ever think what happened is your fault?" Marissa looked at him, he looked away. She felt like that a lot.

"All the time."

"Kaitlin told me today that she hates when I cry because I make her sad. And I never thought of it that way. When you're crying, you're into yourself, you don't think about the people around you." She thought about that earlier.

"Oh." Ryan didn't know how to react to what Marissa was saying.

"Is that why you do it?" Marissa had been wondering about this question for so long. Why Ryan never vocalized his feelings.

"Do what?" Ryan asked.

"Hide your feelings," Marissa answered.

"I don't know why I do it. I just, never feel like talking." Ryan tried to answer the best he could, but not sounding stupid. It kinda worked.

"There has to be a reason. What is it?" Marissa pushed on.

"I don't really want to talk about it." Ryan didn't want to think about his past, it was too hard.

"Okay. Fine with me." She was saying that a lot. Marissa was a little disappointed, but she didn't show it. "Do you wanna go back in? Maybe my mom and Hailey stopped fighting." Their conversation was going nowhere, why continue it?

"All right." The two got up and began to walk in. Marissa brushed Ryan's arm, he felt a tinge of pain, his arm still hurt from that day.

Walking back into the dining room, they found Hailey and Julie were still fighting. Sandy had taken Kaitlin to try and get Kirsten, Kaitlin was the message giver between them.

"So how much did Jimmy originally pay you? You seem like you were one of the cheaper ones." Julie remarked.

"I am not a prostitute." Hailey was getting really pissed.

"Oh right. You're a stripper. How much better." Julie wanted a fight, and she was getting one. Just as Sandy and Kaitlin returned with Kirsten, Hailey slapped Julie. Julie slapped back, both were now hitting each other. The rest of the dining room watched in amusement as the rest of the Cooper-Cohen-Nichol-Atwood group stared in horror. Everyone felt embarrassed, especially when after Hailey pushed Julie, Julie shoved Hailey into the wall.

Waiters and such came in flocks, some just to watch, some actually trying to stop the girls. Eventually they were stopped, both were disheveled. Hailey's head throbbed as Julie nursed a bleeding lip. The restaurant kicked them all out, they walked away with no food, no nothing. What a great holiday dinner. Happy Thanksgiving, folks.

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**Okay, I hope you all liked this chapter, I think this is the least depressing one yet. All of you want Seth to wake up, and he will soon, I guarantee that. I can't wait to write the end of the next chapter, and the next two chapters. Please read and review, as I've said before, I love the reviews, I live for them. I hope you like this chapter and I'm writing as fast as I can!!**

**Ali**


	11. Slow Decay

Hope was failing quite fast. Day 47, nothing. More than a month passed, soon they would be at two. It was Chrismukkah, Seth's favorite holiday, and he was still in the hospital. Summer was unreachable, Marissa had tried numerous times. Lately, she had given up, Christmas was making her busy. She kept trying to go over, but her parents would call and she would have to leave. Everyone mostly hung out by themselves, the holidays were pulling them apart than bringing them together. Sandy sat in the living room, staring at the tree in silence. Kirsten was upstairs in their room, supposedly sleeping, but really she wasn't. Sleep was very limited now, no one did it a lot. Ryan laid on his bed in the pool house, and at Caleb's house, Marissa sipped her beer, Kaitlin was watching her sister slowly kill herself through the opening of the door. Caleb worked on bills and Julie was, well, being Julie. At Jimmy's place, he sat in the kitchen while Hailey stared at the not-turned-on television.

"It works better turned on." Jimmy said, now behind her, switching the t.v. on. The Valley was on, and Judy was just shoving Hallie into a wall at an Easter dinner. "Hey." He looked down at Hailey.

"Hey. What's up?" She didn't expect him.

"Thought I'd watch some t.v. with you." Jimmy sat down next to her.

"Oh." She left a tiny bit embarrassed, but soon that disappeared.

"But I could tell you were deeply interested in something," Jimmy joked at her.

"Very funny." Hailey smirked at him, finding his joke pretty funny, actually.

"So, what's up with you? Staring at a blank t.v. isn't that good." Jimmy had been concerned about Hailey for a bit, she wasn't acting herself.

"I just didn't feel like turning on the t.v., okay?" Hailey immediately got huffy.

"Okay. I was just asking." Jimmy put his attention to the t.v., Hailey felt bad.

"Sorry," she apologized.

"For what?" Jimmy had blown it off.

"For snapping at you." Jimmy looked over.

"It's fine." Jimmy didn't care.

"Okay." Both looked at the television, watching the drama that was The Valley. Who would want to live like that? Fights all the time, drinking, injuries, fires, there was too much. Newport was mellow compared to The Valley.

In her room, Marissa knew her sister was watching her, but she was too drunk to do anything. Kaitlin cried silent tears as she watched her sister fall apart, it made Marissa sad. She knew how Kaitlin felt. Why was she drinking? It hurt so many people. She needed to stop, but she couldn't. It had a hold on her, it was her release. Ryan was no longer her release, things were weird with him. She drank more and more until she couldn't drink anymore. She dropped the bottle and it shattered, Marissa passed out on the bed.

Summer was thinking about Marissa as she had passed out, Summer hadn't left her room in so long. A bathroom was connected to her room, she didn't need to worry about that. Her dad, or maybe the maid if her dad was out, would put meals outside the door for her. She didn't eat much, she didn't like to eat. She would wait until the person had left to open the door and get the food. Summer was a mess, there was no doubt about it. Her voice had disappeared, waiting for a better day, she was weak. Marissa had stopped calling, they had given up on her. No one cared.

Summer didn't sleep in her bed, she slept in her closet. Her bed held memories of Seth, so did the comforter. Occasionally, she would wrap herself in it to find the scent of Seth, but that was long gone. So was he.

Tears fell down her face again, the millionth time of the day. Her tears were uncontrollable, they just fell whenever they felt like it. She couldn't live like this for much longer. She could hear her father downstairs, moving about the house on his cell phone, talking to a client. Summer didn't matter to him. Did she ever?

Marissa was being shook awake frantically by Kaitlin, she didn't want to bother Julie or Caleb. They would send Marissa away, Kaitlin couldn't fathom the idea. She kept shaking Marissa, who hadn't woken up yet. Finally, after five minutes of frantic trying to wake Marissa, her eyes flutter open. She groaned, not knowing where she was. Kaitlin was relieved that her sister was alive. For a tiny second, Marissa had been dead to Kaitlin. Kaitlin had been alone. But Marissa was alive, luckily. Kaitlin stared at her sister. She hadn't been helping Marissa. Marissa lied. Sisters weren't supposed to lie. They were sisters, they shared everything, right? Obviously not, since Marissa lied. Kaitlin looked at Marissa for a bit more, then ran out. Eleven year olds weren't supposed to deal with this. Kaitlin would end up more fucked up than Marissa.

Julie heard the commotion from downstairs, she was worried. She walked up the stairs to find Kaitlin's door locked. It was never locked. Marissa's always was. But her door was wide open. Julie walked in, her daughter sat on the bed.

"What's wrong with Kaitlin?" Julie asked, and Marissa just stared. She was to drunk to answer well. Everything was blurry to her, she couldn't focus.

"I..........don't know." Marissa answered, trying not to sound numb. It must've worked, since Julie held a look of disgust on her face, then leaving. Marissa fell back on her bed, she was relieved. But what had happened between her and Kaitlin? Marissa had been drinking, she only drank when she was really depressed. Which meant Marissa had been crying. She promised she wouldn't. She screwed up.

Marissa wanted to yell at herself, to scream, but she was numb, drunk. Her eyes couldn't stay open. They were closing, she had no power over it. Marissa was falling into her numb state. She stopped fighting to stay awake, she needed to sleep. Her eyes closed, and if she had it her way, they would never open again. She was sick of the pain, the state of fear surrounding her. The world knew about what happened, but she didn't care. It only mattered if you were in Newport. At least physically.

Caleb was deleting messages from Kirsten, she was calling so often. The Newport Group was dying, both would be out of a job. Kirsten needed something to do, she needed something to preoccupy her mind, this holiday was too painful. She would wake for Chrismukkah, it hurt Kirsten every time she thought about it. The tears had stopped for her now, she was just there. She felt the sadness, she just didn't want to express it. The gorgeous view of the ocean stared back at her, it didn't help. It made her think back to when Seth ran away, Kirsten had given up on pretending to be happy. She was visiting Seth slowly less and less, it was hurting too much to be around him. But everyday for Chrismukkah, they went in and let a candle, for tradition, and a wish for him to wake up.

Ryan had found the way both Sandy and Kirsten were acting saddening. They were the most optimistic people he knew, but yet, both of them were losing hope. Was Ryan the only one trying to stay happy? Okay, he was trying, but it wasn't working well. He had to admit, he wasn't super-happy, and he was resorting to their means, but it was a totally different level for him. He never liked to talk a lot, so there wasn't much of a change there, and he always seemed to be alone. So his reaction to the holidays was, yes, the same as the Cohens, but it wasn't a big step down the introvertedness stairs, Sandy and Kirsten's was a much bigger step, they had been higher on the stairs. If that made any sense.

Every so often, he would go into the main house, they were sitting in different rooms, staring blankly at random objects. Everyone was different now. Ryan now wanted to talk to someone. But there wasn't anyone. Not fully true. Someone was ringing the door.

"Hey Ryan," Hailey stood at the door. "Is Kirsten here?" She wanted to let things out.

"Sleeping." Ryan answered, dismally.

"Oh." Hailey saw Sandy. "Hi Sandy." Sandy looked over and nodded. The two began to walk to the kitchen. "Wow, this place is super cheery." She remarked sarcastically.

Yeah...So what did you want to talk to Kirsten for?" Ryan wondered, Hailey hadn't been visiting as much as she did.

"Stuff. Your brother. My dad. My nephew." Hailey hated saying Seth's name.

"So, Seth and Caleb." Ryan joked.

"Yeah. How's Theresa doing?" Ryan hadn't thought about Theresa in so long. The drama of Seth had kept her at bay in his mind. The baby would be coming soon.

"I should call her." Ryan ignored Hailey for then, and picked up the phone, and dialed Theresa's number.

"Hello?" Theresa's mother answered.

"Hey, Karen, can I talk to Theresa?" Ryan never liked Karen a whole lot.

"Sorry, Ryan , you can't?" Karen answered grimly.

"What? Why not?" Ryan was confused.

"She left. About a week ago. To Atlanta. She said she was sick of causing everyone pain." Karen told him.

"What about the baby? Does she know whose it is?" Ryan was shocked.

"She doesn't know." Karen answered.

"Are you....lying?" Ryan had known Karen to lie to him and try to get him to leave.

"If I was lying, and didn't want you ever to call again, I would've told you she was dead. I'm sorry Ryan." Karen hung up on him.

"What? How is she?" Hailey asked, noticing his distraught face.

"She's gone." He told her, putting down the phone.

"What do you mean she's gone?" Hailey was confused.

"She left. She's gone." Ryan answered.

"To where?"

"Her cousin in Atlanta." He was stunned. Theresa had left.

"Oh." Hailey didn't know what to say. She knew that Ryan had left because of Theresa, but she didn't know the details.

"I'll never know if the baby was mine." Hailey had temporarily forgotten Theresa was pregnant.

"That sucks." She tried to keep the mood good, but he wasn't really feeling it.

"That burden's off." Ryan commented.

"Maybe it'll be a good day." Hailey had come over so she could get advice. Not the other way.

"Seth is still in a coma. It won't be a good day until he wakes up." Ryan missed Seth. The house was completely empty, silent without Seth.

"He'll wake up." Those words had been said so many times, but it was never true.

"Starting to not believe that." Ryan had lost a lot of hope with Seth waking up, but he hadn't given up all hope.

"You can't lose hope. If we lose hope, we might lose him" Hailey didn't want to lose hope, like this house was. Her words helped Ryan, some hope came back into him. Everyone was depressed, no one smiled. At least Jimmy tried.

"Either way, he might not wake up." Ryan didn't want to be happy.

"Could you just fake being happy for me? I came over to be happy, not feel worse so, just fake it." Hailey joked, but yet again he didn't want to. "Sorry." Hailey knew he was going through a lot.

"It's fine." Ryan was out there, he wasn't paying attention. Everything had fallen apart, no one was happy anymore.

"I guess I'm just gonna go. Bye, Ryan." hailey began to leave. Ryan never said goodbye, he was still thinking about Theresa.

He knew he should've said goodbye, so he looked up to say it to Hailey, but she had already left. He was too late. Again.

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Day 49 came, Chrismukkah was almost over. Sandy, Kirsten, and Ryan came in again, to light another candle. This one lit extra brightly, as if to say something. Kirsten and Sandy left the room, they never stayed in a lot. Ryan stayed in more, not wanting Seth to be alone. Though he was alone at night, whenever someone visited Seth, Ryan hated having Seth alone.

Holidays were full of cheer, this one wasn't. Just like the numerous ones before last year. Last year hadn't been super happy, with all the drama of Marissa worrying Ryan. He had yet to have a worry-free Christmas, or Chrismukkah for that matter.

The highway not that far away had become entertainment to Ryan. He watched the cars speed by, they were having a good holiday. Sometimes Ryan would wish to be in one of those cars, but that would be stupid. He was stuck with the world given to him. You couldn't have everything without losing something.

While staring out, he thought of Summer. She hadn't been seen in about a month. She had lost it, fell apart in front of his and Marissa's eyes. Marissa saw more, but Ryan had always seen more. He saw his mother waste away, his brother fuck up, his dad pulled away by the police. Marissa had nothing against him.

"Hi Ryan," Kirsten came in. She hadn't talked to Ryan in do long, they hadn't had a real conversation since Thanksgiving.

"Hey," Ryan looked over, Kirsten didn't come into the room that often.

"Nothing?" She glanced at Seth for a second.

"Nope. Still hasn't moved." Ryan answered the obvious.

"Why won't he wake up? I mean, will he ever?" Kirsten fell into the chair in front of Seth.

"At some point he will. We just have to wait it out." Ryan had lost so much hope in him waking up.

"I'm sick of waiting. I want him to either wake up or...." Kirsten was really upset, the other thought had been in the back of her mind since the doctor had told them about it when Seth had first fallen into the coma.

"Or what?" Ryan hadn't heard the doctor, he had left to go to Theresa.

"There is a choice we could make, and...." Kirsten was afraid of telling Ryan.

"What choice?" He had a feeling he knew, but Sandy and Kirsten wouldn't do it. At least he thought they wouldn't.

"The doctor told us that if we thought it was best for him that we could...." Kirsten really didn't want to tell Ryan. It had only been a thought, it wasn't definite.

"Do what?" Ryan was afraid of what Kirsten was gonna say.

"We could take him off life support." Ryan knew what that meant. Seth would die. They would let Seth die. Ryan couldn't believe those words came out of Kirsten's mouth. How could she think that? Seth was her only "real" son. They had raised him. How could they wanna let him die?

"Why would you wanna do that?" Ryan was appalled.

"It was only a thought." Kirsten tried to redeem herself.

"I can't believe you even thought about doing that to Seth. He's your son. You would let him die?" Ryan was mad at Kirsten. How could that even be a possibility? Seth was Ryan's brother, a much better one than Trey. But if Trey was in a coma, and his mom wanted to take him off life support, Ryan would fight for his brother to the end. Money would've been an issue, but Ryan would make sure insurance paid for it. Money wasn't as big of an issue with the Cohens, more so now with the problems of Caleb.

"I'm sorry Ryan. I was out of my head. Please forgive me. The holidays are killing me without him, I don't know how much more I can last." Kirsten let some tears fall, she was breaking down. Ryan felt awkward around her after what she said. He could barely believe she even thought about it.

"I just didn't think you would ever say that. You, of all people. It's not right." Ryan turned away from Kirsten.

"Ryan, I'm sorry. I just hate to see him suffering." Kirsten felt bad, Ryan looked over.

"He's not suffering. He's in a coma. It's not like he has cancer and he might die. Seth won't die." Ryan had never really fought with Kirsten a whole lot, it wasn't their thing. He didn't fight with Sandy either, it was strange. They were too good of parents to deserve getting yelled at. They were understanding, kind, everything perfect parents should be. Sandy and Kirsten didn't deserve their son to be in a coma, or the other one to yell at them.

"You're right." Kirsten looked down, as if being punished. Ryan's immediate reaction was to yell some more, kick her while she was down, like he had so many times with Dawn, but he halted. Kirsten wasn't Dawn, she wasn't an alcoholic, Newport wasn't Chino.

"No, I should be sorry. I shouldn't have snapped." Ryan still hadn't gotten used to Newport. He hadn't had meany, or any real good memories of the holidays. Even when something was good, it went bad. They took his father away on Christmas. He wanted to give his boys a great holiday. Ryan was small, he didn't remember much. But he did remember his dad say to him, "Love you son," and hugging Ryan. Ryan waved goodbye sadly, then he didn't know why. It hadn't been a bad day, in fact, it had been one of the greatest days Ryan had when he was little. But sadness had settled in his heart, so he waved goodbye, being sad. It was the last clear memory Ryan had of his dad.

"I'm glad you did. I shouldn't be thinking the way I was. Gosh, we can't lose Seth. He's everything." They both looked ever to Seth, and Kirsten smiled. Looking at Seth, she thought about how the word Chrismukkah came to be. It was about ten years ago, when, in Seth's class, they had to make up a word and explain it in front of everyone. Seth had told his parents, "it's a combination of the two greatest holidays, Christmas and Hanukkah. Plus, twice the presents." That was how the Chrismukkah tradition was conceived. But, on the day Seth has to present, he got sick and never did. So it never caught on. Tears were welling up behind Kirsten's eyes.

"You said his name." Ryan noticed.

"Whose?" Kirsten didn't get what Ryan was talking about.

"Seth's. I haven't hear you say it in a while." It seemed that saying 'Seth' was a curse word. No one was comfortable with the pain that the name brought with it.

"Yeah, I guess it just came out." Kirsten covered up for no reason.

"It doesn't matter. You just seem like the only one who's actually said his name. Other than me." Ryan told her.

"Oh. Wow." Kirsten thought she was the only one who never said Seth's name. She was wrong.

"Yeah." Ryan didn't know what else to say, they were stuck.

"Um I'm just gonna go out and see how Sandy is." Kirsten made a quick escape. Ryan stayed in the room, he looked down at Seth. No movement yet, no change. But the atmosphere around him had changed. Something was different. Maybe it was the tiny fight Ryan had with Kirsten, or the candle. Now burning with the others. Ryan felt different too. As if he was expecting something.

Though never noticed, there was a television in the room. Ryan doubted it had been turned on since Seth came into the room. But Ryan didn't touch it. He'd wait until Seth woke up.

Ryan had yet to buy any gifts for people, he dint really want the holidays to happen. Last year shopping had been a catastrophe, setting the mood for the whole season. One year, all, he asked, one year where he didn't have to be sad or worried. Ryan could smile, enjoy himself, it would be the perfect holiday. One that Ryan doubted he would ever have. Nothing was perfect, especially holidays.

Ryan wondered if everything would go back to being okay. So many lives were changed, mostly for the worse. Maybe they would go on, living like they were, in depression. How much longer would everyone last until they did a "Summer?" Marissa and Kirsten were falling fast, they wouldn't last much longer. He didn't even know if they would make it through the holiday vacation. Ryan could survive in sadness for a long time, he had done it for the first sixteen years of his life. Sandy could survive for a while, but based on his current reactions, not that long.

Everyone desperately need Seth to wake up, it wasn't just for him, it was for everyone. They couldn't last without Seth for much longer.

As Ryan looked out the window, out of the corner of his eye, he saw something move. No, not just something, _someone_. But not just anyone.

Seth had moved.

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Seth was dead. Finally. He was sick of just like living inside himself. He saw the white light. It wasn't as bright as he thought it would be. And it was stained. Did heaven have accidents? He didn't think angels could spill coffee or have water damage....

"Seth?" Wow, God sounds so much like Ryan. Freaky. But then Ryan came into view. Oh crap, did Ryan die too? What about Summer and Marissa? Did everyone die? Was Seth the last? He hated being picked last. Even if it was for dying.


	12. The Chrismukkah Miracle

"Ryan?" Seth had heard Ryan, his voice was puny, groggy, un-Seth-like.

"Yeah, Seth, it's me, Ryan." Ryan was practically shaking, he was so overjoyed.

"Where am I?" It was hard for Seth to form words, he hadn't used his mouth in so long. He hadn't seen the world in a month and a half.

"The hospital, Seth." Ryan kept saying Seth's name, he couldn't help it. He was talking to Seth, actually talking to him.

"Where's.....Mom and....Dad?" Seth was so confused, his mind was going a mile a minute. What had happened? Why was he in the hospital? He didn't remember much, everything was blurry. But he did remember the school...

"They're outside. I'll go get them." Ryan ran to the door and peered his head out. "Kirsten! Sandy! It's Seth..." The two looked up, and feared the worst. "He's awake." For a moment, Kirsten thought she was dreaming. These words she had prayed for, not, they were just told to her. She pinched herself, and it hurt. Then she ran.

Her son, eyes open, lie there, looking utterly confused. She screamed his name, and hugged him, so did Sandy. Ryan stood in the background, smiling broadly at his brother. He hadn't smiled this much in so long, it was a good feeling. His brother was alive, fully alive. He was awake, after maybe the worst month and a half of Ryan's life. And he had some crappy months. Too many to think about now.

Seth smiled, he knew he had been sleeping for a while, he didn't know how long. At most a week, tops. Right? His parents and Ryan were acting as though he had been dead. He hadn't died , had he? Oh God, he hoped he hadn't.

"Seth, oh my God, Seth! I can't believe it. You're awake, you're actually awake." Kirsten cried, they didn't want to let go of Seth. They never wanted to, they had almost lost him. But he was alive, awake. He was out.

"Mom, _Mom_. I can't breathe. " Seth couldn't deal with the immediate hugging.

"I'm sorry. I just can't believe it. You're actually awake. I never thought this day would come. It's just so amazing." Kirsten's dream had come true, everyone's dream had come true. Seth was okay.

"How long have I been out?" Seth asked, but then a doctor came in, halting an answer.

"Welcome back Seth. It's good to see you awake. No, I know this is a happy reunion, but I must ask you all to leave. I need to ask Seth some questions and run some tests on him." The doctor informed them.

"Can we at least stay for the questioning?" Kirsten asked, Sandy hadn't spoken yet. He was too overcome.

"Of course. Now Seth, how old are you?" The doctor asked. What kind of question was that? _How old was he?_ Seth was seventeen, right? Oh shit, had years gone by? Everyone looked the same....

"Seventeen...." Seth answered, skeptical.

"Good." Seth was relieved, he had passed the test. "Now, what is the last thing you can remember?" Seth racked his brain. He hadn't expected this question.

"Um....I was at school...." Seth looked to the doctor for a nod of approval, but got nothing. Damn. "I heard gunshots and I ran out of my classroom...and I went down some stairs...and then tried to get to another staircase, but I didn't make it......."Seth realized something. "I got shot." Every memory, every thought of that day came back to Seth. He felt sick thinking about it. What happened that day, it disturbed him. He never got to think about it. Until now. It was strange saying that he himself got shot.

"That seems to be correct. Now, I'm gonna run some tests, let the world sink in. But the sooner you do that, the sooner you can talk to your family." That was their cue. Though incredibly happy, they did leave. The three sat in seats right outside Seth's room.

"Sandy, he's awake. He's really awake." Kirsten couldn't stop crying. But finally, this time they were tears of joy.

"Yeah. He's awake. I never thought it'd some." Sandy finally said something, he was just calming down. Thought some tears threatened to fall.

Seth was finally awake, life would get better, they would survive. Happiness could some, it already had. The pain wouldn't destroy them, there would be no pain. They would take it easy, give Seth time to adjust, hell, they needed time to adjust. No more sleepless nights, no more silent days. The greatest present was given to them, Seth had woken up.

The doctor entered the hallway, and motioned for Sandy and Kirsten. They go tup and followed, Ryan watched them go.

"Now, we're still running tests, but so far he seems to be in excellent condition. Confused, and very talkative, but in good condition." He assured them. Seth was perfectly okay.

"When can we take him home?" Sandy asked, they were ready to get their life on with.

"That's what I wanted to talk about. Thought he is in very good condition, I would like to keep him here for a few more days. This is purely precautionary, we want to monitor how he is, and make sure he's okay. I hope that's all right with you." The doctor told them.

"That's fine." Kirsten answered. The doctor smiled, and went back to Seth's room. Nothing could upset Kirsten, she was so happy. Her son was back, she had both her boys.

About twenty minutes had passed, they were finally allowed back in to see Seth. Kirsten hugged him again, this time Seth didn't object. He was glad to be with his family, there had moments that horrible day in November Seth thought he would never see them again.

"So, how many days have I been out of it?" Seth had so many questions to ask, he wanted to know everything.

"49 days," Kirsten answered. Seth was floored.

"51," Ryan objected and Kirsten gave him a quizzical look, "if you count the two days he wasn't in a coma." _49, 51 days?_ Either way, that was long. Seth hadn't expected that much time to transpire. He was expecting seven days, not seven _weeks_.

"Right." Kirsten was till amazed that she was talking to Seth. It was so perfect.

"Um, next question: what's happened since then?" Seth knew this would be a difficult question to answer, but he wanted to know every detail. Sandy knew he or Kirsten would not be able to answer very well, Ryan could. They would have to leave their boys alone, so Seth could know everything.

"Kirsten, why don't we go get some food for everybody? Something better than the hospital." Everyone looked confused.

"But............Seth............." Kirsten didn't understand, so Sandy took her aside.

"Let them talk. We can't explain everything to him. We'll start crying or something. You more so than me. But it'll be best if Ryan tells him." Sandy explained, and Kirsten nodded dismally. She didn't want to leave Seth, what if she never saw him again? "So, Seth, Ryan, we're gonna go for some food." The two went to Seth and hugged him fiercely, told him that they loved him, and then did almost the same, just not as hard for Ryan. Then Sandy and Kirsten left sadly.

"I think they want us to talk." Seth joked, he seemed himself despite he was getting blown away with every answer.

"Yeah." Ryan agreed, and took a seat next to Seth. It was such a surreal feeling talking to Seth. So many days, Ryan had wished he could talk to Seth, it was such a dream.

"So, tell me. What _has_ been going on around Newport? And is everyone okay?" Seth was so worried about Summer, he prayed she was okay. He'd never forgive himself if she wasn't.

"Everyone's okay...physically." Ryan didn't want to lie to Seth, so he quickly added the last word. Seth gave him a confused look, but Ryan ignored it. "Me, Marissa, and Summer all got out of the school safely, and uh, what else do you want to know?" Ryan suspected that Seth would ask about Summer, so he had to think of a diversion.

"How's Summer?" Seth needed to know, he wouldn't be all right until he knew.

"Um, she was good. I haven't talked to her in a while." Ryan said all this very quickly so that Seth wouldn't know exactly what he said. "I talked to Theresa the day you..." Ryan still hated talking about it. "fell into the coma, and I called her a couple days ago." That was Ryan's plan. Divert Seth's attention away from Summer.

"Yeah, and what happened?" As much as Seth hated talking about Theresa, she was the reason Ryan left, and then Seth. But he had to know.

"She left to Atlanta about a week ago." Ryan hoped the conversation wouldn't go back to Summer. Ryan didn't want to tell Seth.

"Wow. Do you know who's it is?" Seth couldn't stop thinking about Summer, she was the love of his life. He knew she had hated his guts when he sailed away, and that was only for two weeks. They had yet to have a real conversation since the party. The last thing Summer acknowledged he had said something was, "_The boat was named after you_." That was so long ago, it seemed like centuries. Seth had just spent a month and a half in a coma, how badly did Summer hate him? Maybe she didn't even acknowledge Marissa or Ryan, maybe she hated them all. Maybe she had a new set of friends, a new boyfriend, but that was Summer. She never showed her feelings, and buried them deep inside. But Seth knew the real Summer, the vulnerable one. She had loved him, if it had only been for a tiny bit, but she had chosen him. She had been different, Seth had changed her.

"No idea. I don't think we'll ever know." Ryan knew his diversion was failing, Seth had that deep in thought look, Ryan knew he was thinking about Summer. Seth always used to have that look. Though Seth had only been awake for a couple hours now, it felt to Ryan like he had never left. If only it was that simple. So much was different, Seth knew none of it. Ryan didn't want to tell Seth. He wanted to protect his brother. Protect him from the truth. Especially the truth about Summer. It would break Seth's heart if he knew what happened to Summer. Hell, it kinda broke Ryan's. she hadn't been seen since that day. The day they knew nothing would ever go back to being okay, a lot of hope had been lost.

"So, let's talk about you. What's new in life? And are you and Marissa together?" Seth now asked, slightly afraid of why Ryan didn't mention anyone.

"Well, me and Marissa haven't 'technically' been together since I left for Chino. But we did have moments." Ryan was pleased with his answer. It was good.

"Ah, moments. Such as?" Shit. Most of the "moments" happened at the carnival, which Ryan could not mention.

"Um....after the shooting. When they found me." Ryan hated answering on the spot. He liked to think about this answers and not say something stupid.

"Who?" Seth had been in a coma, he barely understood anything.

"Marissa and Summer." Ryan corrected himself. Saying Summer's name made him think of watching her, lost, stare at her bloody hands. Saying her name would soon be like a curse word, like how Seth's was.

"Oh. Any other 'moments'?" Seth wasn't impressed. He was expecting a spectacular, angst-filled, sappy, romantic story that was Ryan and Marissa's relationship. Seth would have to teach Ryan the art of adjectives, and explaining things.

"Uh. Outside a restaurant for Thanksgiving dinner." Ryan remembered that day so well. The fight, the big question Marissa had wanted to know, Kirsten breaking down.

"A restaurant?" we usually have it at home." Seth remembered the year before.

"You can understand why we didn't." Ryan told him.

"Yeah. So, anything happen at Thanksgiving? Something always happens." Seth wanted to know.

"Hailey and Julie got into a fight," Ryan enticed him.

"Interesting..." Seth wanted to hear this.

"Yeah, we never actually had a Thanksgiving dinner. They got us kicked out." Ryan smiled at the image of Julie shoving Hailey into a wall.

"Very interesting. I wish I was there." Seth really wanted to see that scene.

"Well, if you were there, it wouldn't have happened." Ryan said.

"Well, I know everything would've changed if I was awake, but still....

Seth commented.

"The fight kind of started because of you." Ryan explained.

"Really?" Seth questioned.

"Yeah, Kirsten freaked out and both Hailey and Julie were to her, but they got into a fight on the way." Ryan was enjoying his talk with Seth.

"The usual." They were brothers again.

000000000000000000

"Hello?" Marissa picked up her cell phone the next day. Life was still miserable, none of the Cohens had called and so no one knew about the newly awake Seth.

"Hey," Ryan greeted her in a better than usual mood.

"Hey, Ryan. What's up?" Marissa put on a cheery tone. She didn't want Ryan to know how she felt.

"Listen, it's Seth..." Ryan began, but Marissa feared the rest.

"Oh God, Ryan, I'll be right over. Like, in a couple minutes. Bye." Marissa hung up on Ryan and he looked over at Seth.

"So, is she coming over?" Seth asked, not hearing the conversation.

"Yeah, just not in the correct mood." Ryan said.

"Failed to mention I was awake?" Seth was amused.

"Didn't have time. She hung up on me. She thinks you're dead." Ryan explained.

"Great." Seth was happy, he had a plan.

"What that a sad great or a happy great?" Ryan didn't know.

"A happy great." Ryan was confused. "See, her sadness level will be at an all time high. So what is best for someone who thinks a person is dead?" Seth pulled out his plan, not literally.

"The person to not be dead?" Ryan guessed.

"Exactly! Her happiness level will shoot through the roof! She'll be like a cat on catnip." Seth rambled.

"Catnip is like drugs for a cat." Ryan knew that.

"Legal." Seth pointed out.

"Yeah, legal." Ryan agreed.

"So really, she'll be like a person on drugs. Illegal drugs." Seth thought.

"Seth, I don't think her reaction will be the same as someone drugged up." Ryan told him.

"We could drug her up." Seth commented.

"What?" Ryan was horribly confused by Seth's ramblings.

"I've got a line of morphine going through my bloodstream. We pull this sucker out, shoot her in the arm, she'll be drugged up, and totally ecstatic then." Seth babbled.

"Seth, you're rambling about shooting someone in the arm with morphine." Ryan commented.

"Ryan, I've been in a coma for a month and a half, I don't know what's going on. For all I know, a continent could've been blown up." Seth paused. "Has any continents been blown up?"

"No." Ryan answered.

"Good." Seth and Ryan laughed at their nonsensical conversation.

Marissa drove to the hospital, fearing the worst. Seth was dead, why else would Ryan call? She was scared. Seth couldn't die. Too much had happened, he couldn't die now. It was impossible to happen.

She jumped out of her car when she parked and rushed to the doors and to the elevator. She was jumpy, she needed to see Seth. All the times she had hated him, they didn't matter anymore. Their past was gone, only the present mattered. If Seth died, everyone would soon follow. Summer, then Marissa, Ryan, Kirsten, Sandy and Jimmy, Hailey, Caleb. Julie and Kaitlin would survive, maybe Kaitlin might go because of Marissa, possibly Julie. They would all eventually meet their demise, when and how would be up to them.

The elevator wasn't coming. Marissa was gonna scream. Every second was an hour, she couldn't take it. The elevator stopped on the second floor. But then she saw something awful. An "out of order" sign being put on the elevator.

Marissa wasn't going to wait for the other elevator, it was at the top level, seven levels up. So she headed to the stairs. Seth was on the fifth floor, each floor had two staircases between them. She started up the stairs, for the first two staircases she was perfectly fine. But then exhaustion hit. She was small, she didn't have as much energy. She'd collapse when she got there. But she had to see Seth. If he was dead, it was all her fault. No matter how much someone could say different, Seth had been right. Marissa was the reason Ryan left, then Seth, and why Seth might be dead.

She was halfway through the stairs, she was getting really tired now. But Seth would be dead, she had to get there. Her breathing was heavy, she ignored the pains she felt. She tried jumping two steps at a time, but it hurt too much. Four more staircases to go, Marissa wasn't going to make it. But she thought of Seth, she would never forgive herself if he was dead.

Three more, soon two. She was getting closer, almost done. Fear was overwhelming her, she couldn't think straight. Images of birthdays past, where she _had_ to invite Seth. He never talked, he stare at Summer. Only once had she been forced to go to a Seth Cohen party, it ended up being them two. Marissa had stared into her yard, most of the time, until Seth had come up behind her.

_"I'm sorry." He had said._

_"For what?" Marissa asked as he sat on the swing next to hers._

_"My party's bad." Seth had never been a happy child, he was always alone._

_"It's not that bad." Marissa tried to cheer him up. They were eight, Marissa was already super popular._

_"Yes, it is. Admit it. No one came." Seth knew he was a lone, Marissa Cooper couldn't change that. They were too different._

_"I came." Marissa tried to be nice to him._

_"Your mom made you come." Seth had overheard Kirsten._

_"So?" Marissa didn't understand why that pertained._

_"You didn't come voluntarily." Seth was one of the smartest kids in their second grade class._

_"Volun-what now?"_ _Marissa didn't know that word._

_"Never mind." The two swing a tiny bit, Marissa had attempted to cheer him up again._

_"You have any games?" Marissa looked over, he had one of those stupid party hats on._

_"I just got a new game system." Sandy and Kirsten had always boughten him the newest things in technology._

_"What kind?" Seth told her, she had been amazed. "Those are brand new! My daddy won't let me get one!"_

_"Wanna play?" Maybe Seth would have a friend._

_"Okay. Just one thing." They got up and she stopped Seth, pulling off his hat. "Don't wear that. It's not cool." She helped him._

_"Oh." Seth didn't really care what was cool._

_"Come on." The two rushed inside, they were an unlikely pair. The Princess and The Geek. They played all Seth's games, Marissa had never had so much fun. Kirsten and Julie took the cutest pictures of them, both moms go the priceless one with them posing together in front of the camera. Marissa and Seth each got one, she hid hers behind a picture of her and SUmmer. She would occasionally look at it, and then see him in his room. Now that she moved and she was friends with Seth, it was placed on her board of photos. It was one of her favorites. Seth didn't have anyone to hid it from, but it was still behind a book or something. He smiled when he saw it, Marissa had been the first kid to ever talk to him, nicely. Marissa never told anyone about the party, she could be shunned. Seth never had a birthday party after that._

Marissa pushed the door to Seth's floor. She was out of breath. But she still rushed to his room, barely not collapsing.

"Ryan I came as fast as I could. How's.........Seth?" Marissa's eyes opened wide, as she stared at the fully awake Seth.

"Hi." He waved.

"Seth!" She was bewildered, yet amazed. Seth was awake, it had actually happened. She forgot about her exhaustion and ran over to him. Marissa hugged him hard, practically squeezing him to death.

"Um..yeah..." Seth's eyes bugged, blood had stopped flowing. "Please.......let go..........can't....................breath....." Seth choked out, he needed air.

"Sorry." Marissa finally let go, tears in her eyes. "Oh my God." Seth was awake, this was much better than Seth being dead.

"So....what's up?" Seth acted as though nothing had happened.

"You're awake." She whispered, still blown away.

"Yep." Seth smiled at her, she missed that smile.

"When?" She asked, not looking away from Seth.

"Yesterday." Seth answered calmly.

"Why didn't you call me sooner?" Her head shot to Ryan, wanting to know why.

"Didn't want to bombard me." Seth answered for his brother. Marissa looked back over. "If you would've come yesterday, and squeezed me like you just did, also like my mom, I'd be dead. "Seth didn't know how many times over this month and a half that they thought Seth was dead. But he had been. Dead, but alive. When neither said anything, he understood. "Sorry, wrong use of wording."

"No, it's fine." Marissa said.

"Come sit by me. I've been out for a month and a half. I need some info." Seth grinned as they walked over and took seats on either side of him.

"I see you have your plastic horse." Marissa pointed out upon seeing it.

"Captain!" Seth screamed, and grabbed it." I didn't even see you, ol' buddy, ol' pal." He hugged Oats. Marissa gave Ryan a questioning look, and he mouthed "don't ask." She giggled and Seth noticed. "What? I haven't seen him. He was my best friend for the first sixteen years of my life. He was the only one who ever was nice to me." Marissa wanted to mention the party, but stopped herself.

"So what do you want to talk about?" She asked, happier than ever.

"Well, I pretty much know everything." _Except Summer_.

"Really?" Marissa gave Ryan a look, asking if Seth knew about Summer. Ryan slightly shook his head.

"Except one thing." Seth _needed_ to know.

"What's that?" Both Marissa and Ryan knew. Seth was serious.

"I know Ryan has been changing the subject every time I mention it. You are _not_ hiding it from anymore. Where is Summer?"


	13. The First Tear For Her

**This chapter is not what you expected...Sorry, I thought it belonged here. But next chapter, I promise lots of Seth and....a little bit of Summer....I mean, them together. So, read this chapter, it pretty much gives away what's gonna happen, and you're all probably gonna hate me for writing this, but oh well. This might be a short chapter, it was pretty hard to write...**

**Oh, and by the way, the song is _No Lies, Just Love_ by Bright Eyes....Gotta love them! **

**Yours truly, Ali **

Summer wasn't doing this anymore. She heard them, they were taking her away. It wasn't fair, she had been good. Not talkative, and antisocial, but good. No, she had screwed up, like usual, she was bad. It was wrong. They were taking her far away. Summer didn't want to go. She didn't want to leave. But she had to.

She would leave everything she knew.....forever.

Summer sat in her corner, she was tired. All the time in fact. Life was shit for her, she was sick of it. Seth had been her everything, and now, her everything was gone.

She closed her eyes, she could sleep forever. But horrors played in her mind, it was going to be another sleepless night. So she decided to try again, go under the water. Summer slowly, very slowly, got up. Her body was fragile, she was small. Turning the water on hot, she let it fill the tub and looked into the mirror. It had been broken a long time ago, the image of her sunken face was multiplied.

Steam surrounded her, she turned off the water. Summer stepped into the scalding hot liquid, clothes on, it burned her. She enjoyed the feeling, she liked the pain. It took away some of the emotional pain.

_It was in the march of the winter I turned seventeen. . ._

Summer had tried this many times. She would inhale a tiny bit, and sink under. It was just enough air to say her goodbyes. She'd force herself down, she didn't want to come up. With her eyes closed, she would let herself drown. But she never got very far.

All she ever saw was the people she was leaving, and how badly she would hurt them. She could see Marissa crying, drinking. Marissa would follow Summer, she was the one who tried it first. But when Summer was almost done with all this pain, she would see Seth. And then she would break through the water and gasp for air. She was too weak to kill herself.

Her parents noticed her pain. Summer's mother had come over the day before. Summer hated her mother, she hadn't seen her in over a year. But they began talking outside Summer's door, all three of them. They talked loud enough for Summer to hear. She heard everything, they discussed Summer's "problem." It wasn't a problem. Summer was fine. They were the ones with problems. Marissa had problems. Ryan had problems. The Cohens had problems. Summer didn't had problems. She was right, the world was wrong.

Still, Summer hated herself, the world, everything. That's why she was ending it.

_That I bought those pills _

_I thought I would need. . ._

The wanted to put Summer away. They said it at the door so she would hear. So she would come out, so they wouldn't have to put her away. But she wasn't going to be taken away, nor was coming out for them. She would end it her way. She would have the last laugh, or the first tear.

Summer tried again, she inhaled a tiny bit. Then she sunk down under and began her goodbyes. _Goodby Mommy, you were good when you were there...Goodbye Ryan, you changed everyone here for the better...Goodbye Coop, you're the greatest friend a girl could have...Goodbye Daddy, I'm sorry...and Seth...._

Summer had lost it. This had been the longest she ever stayed under. But every time Seth came in, she came up. She hated him. Why did he still have so much power over her? He was gone, Summer should be gone. She loved him, but he caused her so much pain. Summer was sick of the pain.

It was late, dark, most of the world was sleeping. Both Seth and Summer were preparing for their departure tomorrow. Seth into the world, Summer out of it.

She decided she would need a backup in cause the first attempt wouldn't work. She wasn't even going to try drowning, why bother? It never worked. She stepped out of the tub and changed. She couldn't die wet. Summer put on her one and only Death Cab shirt, Seth had gotten it for her on her birthday. It was baggy, not really Summer's type. But that changed. She decided to die in it.

Making sure her father and step-mother were asleep, Summer opened the door. She hadn't left her room in so long. Everything looked the same, yet everything was different. She crawled out of her room, then slowly got up. Summer quietly headed to the stairs, she didn't want to wake the up. Not like she could. Summer was now so small, she didn't make a sound walking.

_And I wrote a letter to my family. . ._

Summer reached the stairs, and took a step down. She could see outside, but all it was, was darkness. That's all Summer ever saw. She took another step, and another one after that. She kept going until she was done. Maybe Summer was stronger than she thought. She managed to make it down a flight of stairs, maybe she could kill herself.

Summer headed into the kitchen, and went to the medicine cabinet, a.k.a her step-mother's stash. Summer had learned this trick from Marissa. She grabbed the whole bottle of Vicodin and then went off to the liquor cabinet. She took a bottle and began to leave. Until she saw the silverware drawer. Opening the drawer, she found it. The perfect backup.

Her heartbeat raced, she was afraid she would be caught. But she wasn't. So far. Summer took in everything, knowing it would be the last time she would see all of it. It was sad, tragic even. The girl no one thought would go, was going. The preppy bitch who she was, had turned into the destroyed soul that she was now.

_Said it's not your fault_

_And you've been good to me. . ._

She began back up the stairs. It was so long ago that Summer had gone up these stairs after the carnival and the hospital. She never did get the stitches taken out.

Summer reached her room, he sanctuary, her solitude. She stepped in, the last time she would ever. She put her items in the corner, she was almost ready.

Summer looked around her room. It barely looked like her room. Everything was throw about, a clue to Summer's anger. She broke mostly everything, even ripping some of her clothes apart. There was nothing of Seth in her room. Except for her yearbooks. No, she cut all his pictures out of them. Most of the things Seth ever gave to her she had given back to the Cohens in the two week span that he was gone. The only thing was the shirt, Summer had forgotten about it. It had been in the back of her closet, she discovered it while in her corner. Instead of ripping it to shreds, she kept it. It was her goodbye shirt.

She picked up a photo album and began to look through it. It brought her sadness, it made her think of the good time. When Seth Cohen didn't exist. That was the good life, when nothing mattered, she was free. Or maybe she wasn't. With Seth she was free. So what had been heaven and hell? Maybe both, maybe none. She knew she was living in hell now, but what had she been living in?

_So please forgive what I have done_

_No, you can't stay mad at the setting sun. . . _

Most of the photos were her with Marissa and Holly, there were inseparable. Summer fell upon the vacation photos when, two years ago, the Spanish class went to Spain. That was their year. The girls had wanted to take a different language, but Spanish was the easiest. And they needed the easiest language. They were barely passing English.

There stood Seth Cohen, lingering in the background, as usual. Summer never noticed him, but he was there. She always felt bad now, the way he was treated. No one ever talked to him, he was the water polo team's favorite punch bag. The first time she had looked through the yearbook with Seth, it had been depressing. Summer realized how horrible she had been. Summer hated the old her, and the new one.

Summer threw the book, like so many before, at the wall. The books used to make dents in the wall, when she was strong. Now that she was small and weak, they barely hit the wall. But this one did, and it even made a tiny dent. Her room was unrecognizable, it had been destroyed over the month. It showed what happened to Summer. Her destruction, her decay.

_Cause we all get tired, I mean eventually_

_There is nothing left to do but sleep. . ._

Summer yawned, she was tired, but she didn't dare sleep. It would bring the horrible memories that were in her head, there were too many. Right then, she thought of Marissa, and when she almost died. It had been the first time Summer ever thought about killing herself. She thought that if Marissa could find a way out, so could she. Marissa had only begun to have problems. Summer had them most of her life, she just never showed them. She had hid all her feelings, afraid of being hurt. She never made a huge commitment to guys, she was afraid they would leave.

Her father had once left. It was the beginning of the downward spiral that eventually led to her parents' divorce. One day, he just never came home. He just left them. Two notes, one to Summer's mother, one to Summer. It had been during school, Summer was in first grade, but she knew he was gone. She had walked into her house, yelling for him, proud of her sticker on her vocab test, when her mother appeared. Tears in her mother's eyes, Summer had known he was gone.

"He's gone," She had said matter-of-factly to her mother, and she nodded. "Take it." She shoved the paper in her mother's chest and ran away.

Summer never really did forgive him, but she still loved him. Just not as much as she said she did. She had forgotten about that incident for a while. He showered her with gifts when he came back, three months later. She learned that he was the only guy to trust. No, she hadn't listened. So she learned that the hard way.

_Just lately I've been feeling_

_Like I don't belong. . ._

It was in Summer's freshman year, when she had first tasted alcohol. Marissa was drunk too, who knew it was almost her destruction. A guy was kissing Summer, she was enjoying it. She was so drunk to notice what was happening, until it almost did. Her senses had come back, and she pushed the guy off, he hit her back. She ran, he tackled. He kept trying, she screamed, who cared who would hear as long as someone did. She was bleeding from all the hits from him until finally someone pulled him off. He never did rape her, but it had been pretty damn close. All she saw before running off into the night was a blur of dark, curly hair watching her run. That's what she usually saw.

Finally, Seth Cohen came into her life, he was the only guy she could trust. Sure, Ryan was trustworthy, but she was never close to him. But Seth protected her, saved her. He was always there to catch her when she was falling. He saw the real her. No one did, not even Marissa. Seth knew she was vulnerable inside, he kept her out of harm's way. Yeah, he screwed up a couple times, but she still loved him.

Seth was the only guy she ever felt close to, other than her dad. All the other guys didn't matter, they just took up the time Summer didn't have Seth. He was the only guy for her. Seth was only guy who hadn't ever left her.

_Like the ground's not mine to walk upon. . ._

But then he did. And Summer hated him for it. She knew life had sucked for him without Ryan, but she was there. She could change that. She wasn't going to go back to being bitchy, not without a reason. Then she got one.

The day after the wedding, Summer had gone over to the Cohens to cheer Seth up, he had been upset. She knocked on the door cheerfully. And then she was greeted by Kirsten. Summer asked where Seth was, but she never got an answer. Tears in Kirsten's eyes, for some reason, Summer knew Seth was gone.

"He's gone." She told Kirsten, already feeling the tears welling up behind her eyes. Kirsten had nodded, and Summer looked away, white hot anger growing in her. "Take it." Summer forced the picnic she had prepared for Seth into Kirsten's chest and she ran away, crying over the only person she had ever loved.

It was her father all over again. Seth left two notes, one to his parents, one to Summer. Just this time, Summer didn't forgive Seth. She had her reason to become bitchy again, her heart was broken, ice was the only thing to heal it. She dated all sorts of guys, trying to fill the void in her heart, but none of them mattered. Only Seth mattered, but he left her. The people Summer cared most for always left her.

And when, finally, she could forgive him, and she cared about him again, Seth left her a second time. But this time, he left involuntarily, it was sign. As much as they wanted, Seth and Summer were doomed. They weren't meant to be. Summer wasn't meant to be.

_And I sat watching a flower_

_As it was withering. . ._

The forgiveness bouquet Seth had given to her the first day of school, sat on her dresser. They were dead. Summer had taken care of it for so long, then she just stopped. Why bother? Everything dies eventually, it would go sooner than later. So would Summer.

She cried again, she was sick of doing so. The thought of her death was fascinating, she was excited, yet scared. What if it didn't work? What if Summer was still too weak?

Would they miss Summer if she was gone? No, they wouldn't. They hadn't missed her for the last month. Summer was invisible, no one would care if she was gone. That's why she was going.

She continued to stare at the dead flowers. They were dark red, and black. The red was the color of blood, like it was pouring down the skin from a cut. The black was like a soul, dead and no more. Not living. It was like after a month of being cooped up inside a room. Summer was the flowers, black and red. Summer was dead inside, she had died a long time ago. The minute Marissa told Summer that Seth was in a coma. No, before that. When Summer was at the door, waiting for Seth to come out, but Kirsten had. Right when Summer knew that Seth had left her. That's when she started dying.

_I was embarrassed by it's honesty. . ._

Really, Summer was only truly alive when she was with Seth. She had been meaningless before that. She had been materialistic, bitchy, snobby, Seth changed that. He saw the real her, and brought it out. She suddenly didn't care about what guys thought about her, only Seth mattered. But the minute he left, all that disappeared. She hated Seth, and became materialistic again. It was her way.

The wind blew Summer's hair, the window was still broken. The air had been silent, it didn't move. But right after the tiny wind, a huge gust flew through the room. It whipped her hair around her face so she couldn't see, the open papers fluttered around. The wind wanted to tell her something, but she didn't listen. The drapes in front of her window now had life, they danced about the room.

Summer got up and stared out into the darkness, the drapes wrapped around her. A lone tree could be seen. It seemed like a storm was going to blow through, when didn't it rain nowadays? Without Seth, it rained more than usual. Without Seth, happiness was limited.. But what Summer didn't know was that Seth was trying to sleep, he had been awake. But no one called Summer, she was already dead to them. Everyone ignored her, no one liked to speak her name. She was a curse, plain and simple.

_It's cold out here_

_And it'll be quite a shock. . ._

The gust ceased, Summer stood there stupidly. She didn't want to move, she was so tired. She wanted to collapse, but she wouldn't. Summer didn't want to close her eyes.

Her eyes drifted from the tree to her hands. They were all sliced up, stitches remained in the,. Summer would always have the scars. The only other scar she had was a barely visible like down her arm. Four years ago, Marissa and Summer were making an anniversary dinner for Marissa's parents. Kaitlin came in running, hit Marissa and the knife she was holding fell from her hand, landing down Summer's arm, she had been right next to Marissa. It had been the most physical pain Summer ever felt in her life. Blood had been everywhere, the dinner was ruined and Summer had to go the hospital. Just this time she went back to get the stitches taken out.

Summer traced the long, faint line with her scarred finger. It had happened during such an innocent time, when life was good. Sure, it hadn't been good at that exact moment, but Marissa, Summer and Holly were leading the life everyone wanted. People wanted to be them. Summer never thought about anyone else, she was the second queen of Harbor High. Marissa was first, she was always first. First to kiss someone, first to try to kill herself, first to a boyfriend. The usual.

_To breathe this air_

_To discover loss_

_So I'd like to make some changes. . ._

Summer was different from Marissa, she was stronger. She could kill herself, yes, she could do it. The world was cruel, it liked to take everything away from Summer until she was alone and had nothing.

If Summer didn't exist, what might everyone's lives be like? They would all be in a better state, Summer was a burden. She was a selfish, egotistical, snobby, materialistic bitch who deserved to die. She had to die, it would make everyone's lives so much better.

Summer sighed, not many more hours left. Her life was going to end, no going back then. Once you were dead, everything was over. What was it like to be dead? Was there a life after death? Did you sit up top watching down at people? Or did you go to hell? Were there fiery casoms of doom lurking underneath them? In a few hours, her family would be preparing to put Summer not away, but six feet under.

Maybe she should write goodbye letters. Would anyone care to read them? She would write one for her parents, Ryan, Marissa, and Seth...if he ever woke up.

What if no one ever found Summer? She would lie there and rot forever. The thought sickened Summer. She wanted a quick death, a quick burial, then they could all forget about her.

_I'd prefer to be remembered as a smiling face. . ._

Summer and Seth were each other's destruction. She destroyed him, he destroyed her. And Summer was ending it. So when Seth woke up, he wouldn't have to care about Summer, he could go on with his life. Hopefully.

She prayed he wouldn't think it was his fault. Even if it might be, Summer didn't want him to feel responsible. She did this to herself, he wasn't fully the cause. She fucked herself up, it was her fault, she didn't deserve to live.

Summer was afraid, yet exhilarated. She was gonna do it, actually do it. The time was inching closer, then end of her life was almost there. Nothing, no one could stop her. Her dad wouldn't know, Marissa and Ryan didn't care, and Seth was still in a coma. And Seth might be the only one who could stop her. But he couldn't. Maybe he would never wake up. He was safer if he slept. You're innocent when you're sleeping. If you open your eyes, your innocence is lost and you can feel pain again. Summer wanted to close her own eyes. Forever.

She couldn't get doubt, though she was. What if it didn't work? No, it had to. Summer couldn't live like this anymore. She cried all the time and everything had fallen to pieces in front of her. Summer needed a savior. Or a killer.

_Not this fucking wreck_

_That's taken its' place. . ._

She knew no one would come to help her, when had they? She always helped people, her dad, Marissa, hell, even Seth. Out of the four of them, her, Ryan, Marissa, and Seth, she was the only one who didn't have a major problem. Well, that's what they thought. Summer was the worst, having problems since she was fucking three.

Summer didn't want to be sent to a mental hospital. Summer didn't belong there. It was just the incentive to make herself do it she had thought long and hard about it, waiting another day every time, in hopes Seth would wake up. But he never did and it was the end. She would wait a few more hours, get her goodbyes in order, prepare. Hell, she wasn't going to write long goodbyes. It would just make her want to stay as she would write them, and she couldn't. Not anymore.

Summer had known her life was nearing the end for a long time, she never expected it to come so soon. But she hadn't expected Seth to fall in a coma, or her life to fall to pieces.

She thought about good times, with Marissa, Ryan, and Seth. The times when nothing was bad. Or at least nothing bad was happening to Summer. Marissa used to have all the problems, but not anymore. Summer was gonna go through with it. She would accomplish what Marissa didn't. And for her goodbye to the world, she wrote two simple words: _I'm sorry_.

_So please forgive what I have done_

_No, you can't stay mad at the setting sun_

_Cause we all get tired, I mean eventually_

_There is nothing left to do but sleep. . ._

She would be the Chrismukkah tragedy.


	14. Farther But Closer

**Okay, here it is.... I know it's a little late, and I typed this REALLY fast so sorry if it has a lot of typos...But ooo, I can't wait to hear the reviews, and I hope you're happy with this... So read on, and I'm writing as fast as I can!**

**Ali**

"So? Are you gonna tell me?" Seth looked from Ryan to Marissa, hoping for an answer. They both were hesitant, what might happen if he knew? "I swear to God if you don't tell me, I will hurt you." Ryan doubted Seth could seriously hurt either of them, but that didn't change the fact that Seth should know. "Ryan? How about you? Why don't you finally tell me what happened to Summer _without_ changing the subject or talking fast." Seth stared at his brother, he needed to know.

"Well, Marissa knows better than me. She was there." Ryan got out of it.

"Marissa? Tell me." Seth looked to Marissa, who gave Ryan an evil and stern look.

"Well, she was okay, at first." Marissa stopped. She shouldn't be telling him, not now. Couldn't they just wait? Until he was better?

But they couldn't. They just didn't know that. That Summer was counting down to 9:00 the next morning to go.

"Come on, finish. I can take it. It's Summer, it can't be that bad." Marissa didn't answer, and he knew something bad _had_ happened to Summer. But what? "Marissa, tell me." He was practically screaming, and she didn't answer, thinking about it made her feel the tears coming. "Marissa, tell me God dammit! What happened to her?"

"Seth, calm down." Ryan tried to stop a fight from developing, but Seth pushed him away. Ryan was taken aback, Seth was strong when he was pissed and worried about Summer.

"Just tell me! What happened?" Seth stared at Marissa.

"You really want to know? She fucking lost it Seth! She was fine when you were here, fawning over her like a lost puppy, but she lost it when you fell in that coma. We tried to help her, but she fucked herself up more. We haven't seen her in a month! We don't even know where she is." Marissa said it, now he knew. Seth didn't say a word, he looked down. Marissa stared at him, teas running down her face, clearly upset. Seth didn't know what to think. He knew Summer would be changed, he just didn't expect her to be like what Marissa told him. Summer was vulnerable inside, Seth knew what might happen if she really lost it.

"You okay man? Ryan asked Seth after about three torturous minutes of silence. Seth knew about Summer, no more lying.

"Yeah, I'm fine." Seth answered, still thinking about Summer.

"Sorry I yelled." Marissa apologized to Seth, she shouldn't have flipped out.

"No, it's fine. I pushed too hard, I deserved it." Seth could still picture Summer. Every feature, her deep, intoxicating eyes, the lush auburn hair, full lips, she was perfection in Seth's eyes. But what did she look like now?

"What's up man? What are you thinking?" Ryan could tell Seth was planning something.

"When do I get out Ryan?" Seth knew the anser, he just wanted reassurance.

"Tomorrow...." Ryan was suspicious.

"We're going to Summer's tomorrow. 8:30. Be here." Seth wasn't going to go home, he had to see Summer or where he could pay his respects.

"Seth, you need to go home....Summer can wait until later." Marissa argued.

"No. No, we can't." Seth shook his head. "If I know Summer as well as I think I do, and she's lost it as badly as you said she did, I don't think Summer is in Newport anymore." Seth hated the truth.

"I don't think she would've moved." Marissa didn't get it.

"I don't mean that." Seth said to them.

"Oh God." Marissa understood. "She wouldn't would she?" She asked, freaked out. Summer wouldn't kill herself. That was impossible.

"It's a possibility. A major possibility." Seth hated to admit that. The minute he got out of the hospital, he was heading to Summer's. He feared for her, he needed her to be safe.

"So you're getting out at..." Marissa hadn't been paying much attention to when Seth asked Ryan. She agreed with Seth, they needed to go over.

"Pretty much any time, but I think the earliest I can leave is 8 o'clock." Seth answered.

"We'll be here at 7:30." Ryan announced before Marissa could. She looked over to him, for a moment she didn't think he would help.

"Right." Marissa agreed. There was a silence in the room, the thought of Summer hushed them.

After a few minutes, Kirsten and Sandy appeared, they wanted to talk to Seth about leaving the hospital. Marissa and Ryan left them, relieved of being in the silence.

"So.......... he's awake. He's fully awake." Marissa commented, trying to start up a conversation.

"Yeah. Things are finally looking up." Soon, they would all go back to school and everything would be okay.

"Don't speak too soon." Marissa warned, "We still have to see what's up with Summer." Marissa paced. That's what she did if she was nervous. Either that or drink.

"She should be fine." Ryan attempted to reassure her, though he wasn't that positive.

"I'm not so sure about that. We haven't seen her in a month. A lot can change." Marissa was amazed at her calmness. Seth woke up, Summer could be dead, yet Marissa was fine.

**16** hours left......

"She was okay last time Seth left." Ryan tried, but it didn't really work.

"That was only for two weeks. This was for a month and two weeks. More than that I think, I don't know. But still, Summer first goes into bitchy mode, then she's like a nervous wreck as we saw. But I never saw her like she is, she never went this far." Tears fell down Marissa's face again, she had promised she wouldn't, but she did.

"Marissa, breathe. She'll be all right." Ryan said.

"I don't think she will." Marissa sat down, still shaken up, and Ryan sat with her. "How come everything always fucks up when something good happens?"

"What?" Ryan didn't know what she meant.

"I mean, Seth wakes up, and now we're freaked out by Summer. Nothing ever goes right."

"Well, Seth woke up, we got out of the school alive. Those are good things." Ryan wanted Marissa to be at least a little happy.

"Seth almost didn't make it out." Marissa was way too pessimistic.

"Okay, I know it's really easy to be depressed and shit, but you can't. I did that my whole life, but that time, I had a bad life. Nothing ever went right and I hated my life, and there was times when I just wanted to die because life sucked so bad. But here, not everything sucks. We're all alive, Seth is awake, this should be a good day. Tomorrow may be a bad day, but we don't know that. But today isn't the end of the world, so don't go acting like it is." Ryan wasn't going to let Marissa bring him down, Seth was awake. Marissa didn't say anything, Ryan had stopped her.

"Sorry." Marissa eventually said after a minute or so.

"It's fine." Ryan brushed it off.

"No, it's not, otherwise you wouldn't have said anything." Marissa objected. "So I'm sorry."

"Don't apologize." Ryan didn't want it.

"Then what am I supposed to say?" She snapped. God, things were weird with Ryan, when weren't they? Something always interfered. Sometimes Marissa thought they shouldn't be together. Sometimes she wondered if she never borrowed that cigarette. Or if she never went wandering for new things and found Ryan? What would life be like if Marissa never found out about Luke? If she hadn't ODed, or met Oliver? Their lives would be so different. If Marissa never met Oliver, Ryan and Marissa wouldn't have broken up, he wouldn't have gone to Theresa, she wouldn't have gotten pregnant. If Marissa had chosen Luke, and not found out about him, she would be living a fake life. A lie, a life her mother would approve of. But still a life with problems. Just the problems would be hidden, like they always used to be, not out in the open.

"I'm just gonna go get something to eat. You want something?" Ryan asked, getting up.

"No. I'm fine." Marissa shook her head.

"All right." Ryan walked away. When had things gotten strange with Ryan again? They were okay, but then they weren't. She just wanted a normal relationship. But nothing was ever normal.

Marissa felt uncomfortable in the silence. She hated being alone, those were the times she wanted a drink. To bring her the ringing in her ears, to blur the truth to numb. Marissa should be happy, but yet she wasn't. Seth was awake, she finally had the time to think about it. All that fear that had taken a grip on her body, was gone. The worst hadn't happened, was that even possible? Bad things always occurred in Newport, it was just a black hole of shit. The whole town hid it, until Ryan came. In a way, Ryan saved them all.

She begged for Ryan to come back. She wanted the silence to end, she wanted something,. Bit it didn't seem like anything would some. Marissa was ready to leave, and nothing came to stop her. Marissa was free to leave, no one would miss her, no one would stop her. She waited for something to make her stay. Like she needed a reason to be at the hospital. She was visiting Seth, wasn't that a good enough reason? Marissa was impatient, her eyes darted around, her leg shook she was okay in hospitals around other people, Seth even while he was in the coma. But when Marissa was alone, that was when she was afraid. She hated being alone, she did drastic things. Not thinking about things. Or she over thinking about them, either way it wasn't good for Marissa.

She wanted to leave, but where could she go that she wasn't alone? She had nowhere to go, no one. But she couldn't stay. She would come back tomorrow, Marissa could leave now.

So she did. Marissa walked out for no reason, afraid of the moment when she would have to talk to Seth alone.

Long after everyone had left, and most of the world fell asleep, Seth stare at his ceiling, moonlight shining in. He couldn't sleep, his thoughts lingered on SUmmer. What would he find in the coming hours?

Only **9** hours left....

He had amazed himself last night by falling asleep. Hadn't he been sleeping for the last 51 days? But Seth knew he needed sleep, and he was kinda tired. So he closed his eyes to see what would come.

Soon, Seth was in his school hallway. It seemed normal, except no one saw him. His eyes moved to the wall next to him. A poster hung there, it was for a missing teen. Seth walked closer to it to see who the teen was. It was him. He read the poster over and over, never noticing the bold, dark letters at the bottom. They had at first bee invisible to him, but now he saw them: **Presumed Dead**. Seth was horrified. No wonder no one saw him, he was dead to them. But he was alive. Dead, but alive.

Seth looked down the hallway. He squinted to see a tiny lone figure far off. The figure was crying, something upset it. Seth squinted harder, and he could see it was Summer. He could see her mouth _Cohen_, but not to him, she was looking down. Seth ran to her, trying to save her, but she kept getting farther away. Her crying increased, and now he could tell they weren't normal tears. They were tears of blood.

He broke into a sprint, she was disappearing, becoming faint. He needed to get there, what would happen if he didn't?

Seth could see Marissa and Ryan near Summer, but they didn't acknowledge her. She was invisible to them. He wanted to hit them, make them see, but he couldn't get to any of them. He kept running, people just glided by, Summer wasn't getting any closer. Blood poured from her eyes, staining her porcelain face. Time was ticking away, she would be gone soon.

Summer wasn't getting farther anymore, Seth was finally getting closer. Maybe he could save her, he had to. Otherwise life wouldn't be worth living.

Seth was getting so close, no one saw him or Summer. It was just them, no one else mattered. He loved her, nothing could change that. She didn't stop crying, a puddle had formed at her feet. Seth wanted to stop her tears, her pain. He wanted to take it all away, then they would be okay. They weren't okay without each other.

When the hell would he reach her? The hallway wasn't _that_ long, was it? Marissa and Ryan still were there, but they weren't talking to each other. Marisa was drinking, Ryan was now curled up in a ball in the corner.

Was this what had happened to them when he was gone? Were those the secrets they never told him? If they had been hiding this, what were his parents hiding?

But how did he know this stuff? How had it gotten in his brain? What told him about this? Had they? Had they told him everything, wanting someone to listen, but hoping Seth wouldn't really hear them? He was so close now, they were near him. He would save Summer. But then something happened Seth didn't think would happen. Summer fell.

He couldn't catch her, he couldn't save her. His feet splashed in blood. Seth looked down. The floor was covered in blood. Summer's blood.

Seth slowed his pace to a walk and went to Summer. She lie there, blood poured from her body, no one saw. Marissa continued drinking, Ryan never looked up. Seth was the only one to see her, Seth was the only one who noticed her. She was at peace, nothing disturbed her.

He hoped she was just sleeping, but no. He shook her, no response. Seth kneel by her, blood seeping through both their clothes, but who cared? Seth couldn't save her, she was gone.

Seth had been too late.

Seth jerked awake, breathing heavily. Sweat poured down and he heard a yelp. Seth looked over to see Marissa trying to catch her breath.

"Jesus, Seth, you scared me half to death." Ryan was leaning on a wall, looking around drowsily, obviously he had been sleeping.

"What are you doing here?" Seth didn't think he had slept that long.

"We said we would be here at 7:30." Marissa explained.

"What time is it?" Seth feared he was too late.

"7:45."

**75** minutes left....

"We have to go.....Summer....we gotta get over there....now." Seth rambled. His dream scared him, what if he was too late now? He tried to get up, but Ryan pushed him down.

"Seth, calm down. You have to get discharged. We were waiting until you woke up to start the papers." Marissa told him.

"What? You haven't started them yet? We have to go..." Seth needed to see Summer.

"I'll go tell Sandy." Ryan began to leave the room to tell Sandy to start the discharge papers.

"Wait, my dad's here?" Seth asked them.

"Seth, how did you expect you were gonna get discharged?" Ryan joked.

"I don t know, but he won't want me to come home right away, will he?" Seth didn't want to go home. He wanted to get to Summer.

"Seth, maybe you should stay another day. You need to calm down, you're rambling." Marissa wasn't so sure.

"No, I can't. We have to go to Summer." Seth shook his head. Ryan had already left to talk to Sandy.

"C'mon. You need to relax. She can wait." Marissa tried to calm him down.

"How can you say that? You were the one3 who told me how screwed up she got. We need to go over." Seth argued. Soon after that, Sandy and Ryan appeared.

"Seth! You ready to go home?" Sandy asked excitedly.

"Actually I wanna go to Summer's first. Is that cool?" He asked.

"Oh sure. How ya getting there?" Sandy wondered.

"I'm driving Seth and Ryan...." Marissa cleared the question up.

"Okay. Well, let's leave Seth so he can change and I guess I'll see you guys later." The three of them left Seth and when he came out all four of them exited the hospital. It was weird leaving the hospital with Seth, so many times Marissa had left alone. And next they were heading to Summer's. the teens separated from Sandy and they pilled into Marissa's car. No one said a word, Marissa turned on the radio. It was tuned to an alternative station, no one objected. Sum 41's "We are all to Blame" came on and that was a little strange. Sum 41 couldn't really be considered alternative, could it?

Marissa was glad Seth decided to sit in the front, and not Ryan. It wouldn't feel right. Soon, Marissa pulled into the Roberts' driveway. Marissa had a bad feeling, and so did Ryan and Seth, but they all got out and went to the door.

"Hi, Marissa." Neil Roberts greeted them. "Uh...." He knew Seth, but not Ryan.

"This is Seth and Ryan." Marissa answered. "Um, Mr. Roberts, is Summer here?" She looked at him and an upset look formed on his face.

"Why don't you come in." Neil let them in, and they went to the living room, where Sarah, Summer's step-mother was already sitting. Neil sat next to Sarah, while Ryan, Seth and Marissa sat on a couch. "We're actually really glad you came."

"How is she?" Marissa asked, Seth was afraid to speak.

"Well, I don't really know. The last time I saw her was when I left her to go on a trip the day before that carnival you took her to." Marissa had been the last one to see her. "Now, we gave her some space, seeing as the shooting really shook her up. But she never left her room yet. We've been putting food at her door and she does take it in, but we don't know if she's eating it." None of them expected to hear that. " I talked to her mother and we decided if she didn't come out fo her room today, we would take her to a facility. I do have a key to unlock her room, I just never wanted to use it." They had gotten there just in time. If they had waited any longer, Summer would have been gone.

**45** minutes left.....

"Seth," Neil began, "I know before I've said that you weren't right for Summer, but I saw her crying over the summer and all sorts of things and I could tell she really cares about you. I also saw that you were injured in the shooting...."

"I was in a coma." Seth told him.

"Well, it's good to see you out of it. But during this time, I suspected Summer wasn't upset just about the shooting. Especially after a call from Marissa about you. A lot happened to her. I remember getting the call from the hospital after that carnival saying she was hurt, but I couldn't get there. And I know she cares about you, and I think you might be the only one to get her out of that room. So here." Neil took out the key from his pocket and handed it to Seth. "Go get her."

"Thank you." Seth grasped the key and him, Ryan, and Marissa got up. They went up the stairs and to Summer's room. Marissa knocked on the door and called for her. When there was no answer, they used the key.

**30** minutes left....

Summer heard them as she hid in her closet, and she knew she couldn't wait any longer. It was now or never.

They opened the door to reveal a room that they once knew, but not anymore.

Summer was nowhere in sight, and the room was trashed. Books and torn pieces of paper littered the floor, and everything was thrown about. A mirror was broken, reminiscent of the carnival.

"Sum?" Marissa asked as she walked past the closet and into the bathroom. All the mirrors in there were broken. Waiter still filled the tub, and like the bedroom, everything was thrown around.

"She's not here" Seth said. Ryan just observed everything.

"The window's broken." Marissa noticed and they walked over to it. "Maybe she ran away."

"No. There's no evidence she ran away." Seth told her.

"This window has been broken a long time." Ryan inspected it.

"How can you tell?" Marissa questioned.

"The seat is all dirty and it's still a tiny bit wet. It's been broken a while." Ryan explained.

Summer thought she heard Seth, but that wasn't possible. He was in a coma. He couldn't be in her room.

"Well then, where is she? She's obviously now here!" Marissa exclaimed while Ryan stared at the closet. He remembered when he was little and afraid. He'd squeeze himself into his closet and cry.

"Check the closet." Ryan said without looking away from the closet.

"What?" Marissa didn't know why.

"Just check it. Trust me." Ryan was afraid of what they might find. Summer could be dead.

Summer was scared. She didn't want to be found. She didn't want to see them, nor go away. She wanted to die. They couldn't change that. She had to go, it was her destiny.

The three walked closer to the closet, and Marissa clung to Ryan's side. Seth walked towards it, so did the other two. Seth motioned to Marissa to open it, but she shook her head. Seth was scared. Seth took a deep breath and opened the door.

"Summer?" Seth asked upon finally seeing her.

"Cohen?..................You came back."


	15. Ghost of Who She Was

"Summer? What are you doing?" Seth never saw Summer like this.

Her face was sunken in, like too many days without food. She was tiny, shrinking into the closet. Why she hid there was beyond Seth's comprehension. Summer had once been beautiful, but now, she was just a shadow of her old life.

"What does it look like I'm doing?" Summer screamed, tears ran down her face. She held a knife, pills and alcohol lie around her.

"Summer, stop." Seth tried to get her to put the knife down.

"Why should I?" Summer couldn't believe she was looking at Seth. He was awake, actually awake. She wanted to hug him, to say she was sorry, but she couldn't. He caused her too much pain, and he forever would. She had made up her mind, he wouldn't change it.

"Please Summer, don't." This wasn't the Summer Seth knew. The Summer he knew was strong, independent, bitchy even. She had changed more than he ever thought.

"Why?" There was no sparkle in her eyes anymore, her skin was placid. Seth tried to remember the old Summer, but he couldn't. The memory faded.

"Because it's not worth it." Seth wasn't ready for this, he wasn't prepared. What had he expected? Seth wanted to save her, but was he strong enough to do it?

"How would you know?" Seth dint know the pain Summer felt every moment, he didn't understand what she felt.

"I know what it's like to be alone and have no one. I know what it's like to hate life." Seth knew, all right. Most of his life he was alone, he was the expert at loneliness. He just never went as far as killing himself.

"No you don't." Summer had more pain than Seth would ever know about. He didn't know what it was like to be her.

"Yes I do! Just put the knife down." Seth wasn't going to lose Summer, not after how much he fought for her.

"Ryan, help him." Marissa whispered into Ryan's ear. She was in tears as she watched them.

"I can't." Ryan told her.

"Why not?" Marissa didn't want to lose Summer either.

"He's gotta do it on his own. I can't stop her, only he can." Marissa looked up at him angrily, but gave up and looked back to Summer.

"No." Summer began to put the knife to her wrist. She would slice them, and then down as many pills as she could.

"Please don't do this." Seth was almost in tears and it took a lot to get him to cry. She halted and looked into his eyes.

"Give me one good reason." Summer knew he wouldn't. As she looked into his eyes, she was melting. She had to be strong. Strong enough to do this.

"Marissa, your dad, your mom, Ryan..." Seth told Summer all the people she was hurting. "Me." Seth didn't know if he could survive without Summer in his life.

"You?" Summer didn't get a good enough answer. "You left me." She could never forget that day.

"I never meant that to happen. I can't change the actions of other people." Seth explained. He thought he knew what she was talking about.

"Not that time." Summer said sternly. "The time before. When you left me in a fucking note." Summer could never forgive Seth for leaving, she just couldn't.

"I had to do that Summer." Seth told her. She didn't get why he left.

"No you didn't." Summer could've helped him, but he hadn't given her a chance.

"Yes, I did. You don't understand." Seth wanted to hold Summer, but he was afraid. She was so small, so breakable. Her bones poked through the skin, she was like a little girl. An innocent, little girl. But she wasn't.

"Yes I do Seth. You're just selfish." Summer accused him. A part of her wanted to end the fight, but a part of her wanted it to go on, so she wouldn't have to go through with it. It could've been so easy, but it wasn't. Seth came back.

"And killing yourself isn't?" Seth screamed at her. How could she accuse him of being selfish when she was going to commit suicide? It didn't make sense.

Summer didn't really know what to say, she knew Seth was right. She didn't want to admit it, Summer wanted to end it. She looked back down and put the knife to her skin.

"Stop." Seth commanded her. "You don't know how much pain you're gonna cause people." Summer looked back up.

"You don't know how much pain you've already caused them." Summer had always dreamt of the say when Seth would come back, and she never expected it to be like this. There wasn't supposed to be a fight, Summer was supposed to immediately jump into his arms and they would live happily ever after. Summer didn't even know if she would live after this.

"What?" Seth didn't understand why she said that. Maybe she didn't want to be stopped, and he should just let her go. No, he couldn't. He had to save her, stop her.

"You don't know how much pain we felt for you. You don't know how many tears were shed over you. You matter more to people than you think." Summer was amazed at how long she hadn't killed herself. She was supposed to be dead right now. Why wasn't she?

"So do you." Seth had to keep Summer from not thinking about the knife.

"Don't lie." Summer didn't believe Seth. She was nothing.

"I'm not." Summer figured she wouldn't be able to keep this up much longer.

"Why can't you just let me do this?" Summer complained to him. She just wanted to end it. No one was holding her back, yet she felt like someone was.

"Because I love you." Seth should've grabbed her and just made her stop. She was weak enough, Seth could've taken her. But for some reason, he didn't. She was so fragile, but she might do something drastic in those few seconds.

"Why?" Summer whispered, wanting a real answer. Why was she chosen to be loved by Seth Cohen? What had she done? Could she have changed that? Summer did love him, but he left her. That was the only thing Summer could never forgive. Too many people left her and she never took them back. Seth wasn't any different. She never forgave her father for leaving her alone. She despised her step-mother. But not as much since she was the one who provided the pills.

"Why do I love you? I don't know. It's just something that sets you apart from everyone else that makes you special." Summer was losing it. She couldn't do it when he said that. Why did he have to be good at words? Summer wanted this to be over. She couldn't stay.

"If you really love me, you'll let me go." This wasn't supposed to happen. Seth wasn't supposed to be awake. Summer was supposed to be dead. She shouldn't be fighting with Seth over it. It was just a decision, no thinking.

"I can't. And I never will. You do this, I have nothing to live for." Summer felt sick. He had to say that, didn't he? He had to make it so hard. Summer couldn't do it. Not when he said that. But she had to. Confusion sucked.

"Why are you making this so hard?" Summer cried.

"Because I don't want to lose you." With every word, he felt more like he could stop Summer.

"No." Summer had to end it. She held the knife to her wrist. She would push as hard as she could and let the blood flow. She would take the pills and shove them down her throat, and it would be over. No going back, it would be the end.

Summer applied pressure to her skin. She could feel the pain, it increased as it went into her skin more.

"Summer...." Seth warned and he looked on with fear. She stared up into Seth's eyes. She saw the fear, the sadness, the pain. She knew in her own eyes were just coldness. The pain was getting to a numbing level. But she pushed on. She could feel the blood hit her finger, and Summer kept going.

She had never felt so much pain in her life. But she didn't stop, she was ending it. Her life was over, she would be gone, and a burden would be lifted.

Seth had to stop her, he wouldn't let her do this to herself. Seconds felt like hours, it was killing him to watch her.

"Summer!" Seth pounced and she pulled. She didn't finish the line, but it still hurt. It stung and burned, as if Summer's arm was on a hot stove. Seth grabbed the knife, but the damage was already done. Blood seeped out from her arm, it didn't stop. She wasn't ready to go now that she did it. Or was she?

"Seth...I'm sorry." She told to him, upset that she was going. She would miss her life, Seth, all the people she knew.

It's fine. We just have to stop it." Seth felt a change in Summer, like, the blood stopped her from wanting to die. But it hadn't. Marissa saw a hint of the blood and ran to the bathroom. Ryan rushed over to the closet door.

"Bring her out." Ryan instructed and Seth helped the sobbing Summer out. Her hand and arm were covered in blood, and it didn't look like it would stop any time soon.

"Here." Marissa handed Seth a washcloth and he applied it to Summer's bleeding wrist.

"I'm sorry." Summer never felt more like a child. She felt unable to do anything. She felt more useless than ever.

While the three huddled over her arm, with her other, she grabbed the bottle of pills. Summer was ending the uselessness, her pain. she put the bottle to her mouth and quietly let the pills slip down her throat. Summer felt herself growing more numb as they continued to fall. The helplessness was slipping away, she was slipping away. This must have been what Marissa felt over a year ago.

"Get another towel." Summer could heat Seth telling Marissa. No one noticed what Summer was doing. They would only notice when it was too late.

Numbness was taking her deeper down, and she dropped the bottle. It was finally over.

"We gotta take her to the hospital. She's bleeding too much." Ryan said when her wrist didn't stop bleeding.

"How are we gonna get there? Her dad'll see us for sure." Marissa knew what would happen.

"So?" Seth didn't understand, he was too preoccupied with Summer.

"He sees her, she's gonna be sent away for sure." Marissa knew.

"There's two staircases. Marissa, you divert his attention. We'll sneak her out." Seth began to wonder why Summer hadn't spoken.

"Okay." Marissa nodded and they began to get up.

"Summer, c'mon.... We're gonna take you to the hospital." Summer didn't respond. "Summer?" Seth looked over and saw her out cold. "What the..." He began to say before seeing the bottle. "Oh shit." He grabbed the bottle and saw a good amount was gone. He turned Summer over to look at her face. It seemed at peace. No. That wasn't good.

It was just like Seth's dream. Summer wasn't responding, blood was everywhere and Seth screwed up. He felt sick to his stomach, he had let her down.

"Oh crap, we really have to go." Ryan saw the bottle. He remembered what happened to Marissa. How could it be that both girls tried to kill themselves by the same exact pill? What if Summer didn't just attempt? What if....Summer did it? Accomplished what Marissa hadn't? Images of an almost dead Marissa flooded into his head. "Seth, come on. Now we really have to go. Marissa you divert her dad's attention. Where's Summer's keys?" Ryan took charge. He had to.

"Here, take mine. I'll take Summer's." Marissa tried to be strong. She grabbed Summer's purse and pulled out the keys and headed out of the room. Seth, carrying Summer, and Ryan slid down the back stairs while Marissa went down the other one. "Mr. Roberts, where are you going?" Time to start the lie.

"Is she out." Neil was sick with worry.

"Yeah, it's great. Um, she really wants a burger and we're going to get her one." Marissa hated lying.

"Shouldn't you be in the car?" Neil could hear it.

"We're taking two cars. Um, Ryan, has a....mathletes competition in an hour....and he has to be there early so he's gonna leave before us." That had to have been the stupidest lie Marissa ever made up. But that was all she could think of. "Well, I really have to go. Don't wanna miss it. Bye!" Marissa rushed out of the house, tears falling down. She was shaking, she now knew what they felt before. When she had almost died. She knew what Summer felt like. Marissa was scared is Summer would be alive.

Marissa tried to put the keys in the ignition, but she was shaking. She didn't know if Summer was okay. Her tears blurred her vision, she was too upset. Finally, she got the key in and turned the car on. She just realized she might be driving in a dead girl's car.

Seth sat in the back seat of Marissa's car while Ryan drove. Summer lie on Seth's lap, out cold to the world. It soon began to rain, pouring down on the silent car. Seth stared down at Summer. What had she done to herself? Was it Seth's fault? Had he done it to her?

"Seth, it'll be okay." Ryan told him, looking into the rearview mirror. Seth didn't respond, he just stared at the pale Summer. "We'll get through this. We did with Marissa." Ryan remembered that night. It had been a nightmare, plucked from Ryan's head. But this time it was Seth's nightmare, and it was more real than ever.

Seth never was one to enjoy foreshadowing, but it had sat right in front of him. He just ignored it and went around it, ultimately ending right where he started. What could he have done to prevent it? He could've grabbed the knife, the pills, but would she really have stopped trying?

If Summer died, Seth didn't think he could live. This had happened too many times. Summer was the third person to attempt suicide in the last year and a half that Seth knew. Would the third time be the charm? Summer couldn't have taken that many pills in such a short time, could she?

Summer was the person least expected to fall apart. Why had she? It had to be Seth's fault, no doubt about it.

Ryan looked back as he stopped at a stop light. He had seen so much more stuff similar to this. Like, in third grade, when this little kid climbed the highest tree and fell. Ryan saw it with his own eyes, it was one of the most disturbing moments in his life. Such a little kid to go. Ryan had known him, he had been playing with him. They wanted to play some stupid game and Ryan walked away, going to see if Theresa wanted to go on the couple of swings the elementary school had. He heard his name being yelled, he had only walked a couple yards. Ryan had looked back and saw his buddy waving to him up in the top, and Ryan waved back to him. At that point, he wanted to play. Theresa saw him, and called for Ryan, wanting him to come. In the moment Ryan looked away, someone screamed, Theresa he believed and Ryan turned to where she was looking. The boy fell, making a sickening sound when he landed. After that, Ryan didn't like trees a whole lot.

Later, when Ryan was thirteen, someone on his bus cut himself and died. It had been a normal day, this kid was always alone. Ryan was on the bus with Theresa, it had been one of the few days he went to school. They were fighting playfully in the back, with a couple of Ryan's living friends. No one saw it happen, so no one had stopped it. All Ryan knew was another scream and he looked and there was the kid, eyes closed, bleeding. Ryan had always liked the girl, they might have talked a few times.

Death, suicide, or murder, was sort of common in Chino. This was the fourth time it was someone really close to him. Oliver wasn't very close, but Ryan knew him better than the girl on the bus. Ryan always knew Oliver had been psychotic.

The hospital loomed in the distance, and Ryan sped up. He headed to the emergency area instead of the normal front doors. Ryan hadn't been at the hospital emergency room since a month ago, with Summer. Ryan stopped and he got out, and opened Seth's door. Seth slid out holding the unconscious Summer. She was smaller than she had ever been, weighing less than Marissa. They rushed through the doors and got a nurse. More of them came with a stretcher and they took Summer away. Seth was shaking, and the two sat down. They waited for Marissa, who appeared no less than two minutes later.

"How is she?" She asked immediately.

"Don't know. They just took her in." Seth answered, and Marissa sat down next to Ryan.

"How'd it go?" Ryan wondered, hoping Neil wasn't too worried.

"If anyone asks, you're at a mathletes competition." Marissa told him. Ryan had a perplexed look, what the hell? Marissa made up some weird lies.

They sat there in worry, they wouldn't feel better until they saw Summer. They had been in the hospital too many times, did they ever leave? Would they forever be tormented? They just left an hour ago, and they were back. Someone leaves, someone comes. A never-ending cycle, full of dismay.

"How are we gonna hide this? Her dad's gonna find out." Marissa exclaimed as she thought about it. They couldn't hide what Summer did. How would Summer get out?

"Yeah. It's no use. We should call him now." Ryan agreed with Marissa.

"They might have already." Marissa was deathly scared if Summer would make it.

"Stop. We can't tell him. If we tell him, she's gonna be sent away for sure. We can't let that happen." Seth couldn't think of Summer being sent away.

"Well, I don't think we can sneak her out. She's the one with the candy striper outfit." Marissa remembered the time when Seth, Ryan, and Summer rescued Marissa from going to the mental institute.

"He's gonna find out, Seth. We can't hide an attempted suicide from him. He will find out." Ryan told Seth disappointingly.

"But...." Seth tried to argue.

"She'll get through it. She won't get sent away. We're gonna fight him if he tries. Stay positive." Marissa patted his hand. They didn't speak anymore, awaiting news on Summer. They sat there for fifteen minutes in silence.

"Maybe we should call your parents." Ryan proposed to Seth.

"Yeah, I guess so." Seth sadly got up. "I'll be over there." All happiness seemed drained from him.

"I should tell my dad where I am too." Marissa said and she followed Seth to make a call. Ryan watched them go, and he sat back down. Doctors passed by him, he seemed invisible. Marissa and Seth were taking forever, he watched them on the phone. Marissa to her dad, Seth to Kirsten. Marissa finished first and she walked back over, flashing a quick smile. "Hopefully this will be over soon."

"Yeah, hopefully." Ryan said back, praying it would.

"I'm alive. And I don't think she was as bad as me." Marissa tried to lift his spirits.

"Tell that to Seth." Ryan said and motioned towards Seth, who was now walking to them. "What'd they say?"

"I didn't tell them. I didn't want them to worry." His mom had already been screaming at him because he wasn't home. Seth noticed a doctor coming out of Summer's room. With Summer. The three rushed over.

"What are you doing?" Marissa asked as they ran over.

"We're taking her to another room." The doctor told them.

"So she's okay?" Ryan questioned, Seth just stared at the girl he once knew, now so different. This wasn't the girl he fell in love with. Why had he destroyed such a beautiful person? It wasn't fair, it wasn't right. Seth should be dead, Summer didn't deserve this.

"She will be. I have to go notify her parents." The doctor was growing impatient.

"Are you sure that's necessary?" Marissa knew what would happen then.

"Yes, it is. Now excuse me." The doctor wheeled Summer away and left Ryan, Seth, and Marissa standing there.

"Great. We're screwed. Summer's going to a mental institute." Seth gave up. He sat back down and put his head in his hands. He lost her, she was gone. The girl he loved was gone. It was over.

"C'mon, Seth, not necessarily. She might now be sent away." Marissa tried to make him feel better.

"If her dad wanted her sent away because she didn't come out of her room, what makes you think he wouldn't if she tried to commit suicide?" Seth had a point. A depressing one, but a true one none the less.

"We'll talk to him." Marissa didn't want Summer to go away either. Then she would, Seth, Ryan, Kirsten, Sandy, Jimmy, Hailey, Caleb, Julie, Kaitlin. None of them knew how much they meant to each other. Through fights, hits, and cheating, they all still cared. Summer would just be the first one to go, then all of them.

"He'll probably be here soon." Seth was truly terrified. Yes, Summer was still alive, but was the doctor lying? She could've been going to the morgue. No, as easy as it was, Seth could think negative. He had to think of Summer alive. She had to be.

Seth closed his eyes, and thought of the Summer he knew. He pictured he looking at him at the wedding, when Seth lost it. He could picture her walking away, it would be the last time. Summer had changed so much, the one he just saw wasn't her. She had been replaced.

If he knew what he did when he was running away, he never would've done it. He had so many mistakes in his past, too many to count. He ruined Summer, like a beautiful flower withering. She was better off without him. If only he had never tried talking to her, getting close. She was safe not knowing him. He destroyed her. Seth made Summer into what she was now.

"Seth, you okay?" Ryan asked, knowing Seth wasn't. Seth never went through something like this. But it wasn't like Ryan had a whole lot of experience dealing with it.

"Hmm? Yeah, I'm fine." Seth was distant, he always did that when something bad happened.

"You're not." Ryan wanted to help him, but didn't know how.

"Of course I'm not. Summer might be dead." Seth didn't want to lose Summer. Life sucked just when it got good.

"She's not dead Seth. We just saw her. She's alive." Marissa reassured Seth.

"I guess you're right." Seth figured Marissa was.

"Yep." Marissa covered her sadness. She couldn't let her unhappiness show. This scared her. Before she had been in the hospital having ODed. Now it was Summer. Summer was the strongest person Marissa know, other than Ryan. Summer was independent and strong, not weak. Life wasn't right.

"I just hope she's okay." Seth told them. He really had to be strong, for Summer. If she wasn't okay, he didn't know what he would do.

0000

**Okay, we're nearing an end. Sorry. I want to do a sequel, but today I just got the greatest idea for a story, involving Ryan. And it's been bugging me all weak. I don't have anything written, but it will be a take on the OliverMarissaRyan thing. I can't wait to write it and hear reviews. But next chap will be the last chapter of this story, I can't believe it's ending. Seems like yesterday I started this. Almost three months later, I'm finishing it. So review, I love them and I will write to make a good ending and a nice start into the sequel and work on this other idea. Okay, bye!**

**Ali**


	16. Savior

**Wow, it's the end. Amazing. More than three months ago, I was talking to my friend about this idea, and she made me write it and now look at it. Sixteen chapters later, it's over.(?) So here it is:**

Summer didn't know if she was alive. Her eyes were closed, she never wanted to open them. When she opened them, it would be reality, and Summer would have to face her consequences. If she could, she'd keep her eyes closed forever, to not see the world. In other words, be in a coma. She never thought she'd have wanted what Seth went through, but she did. He had been safe, then when he came into the world, look what happened. The world caused too much pain, and who would want to face it?

At this point, Summer regretted everything. She put everyone thorough so much, how could it go back to normal? All she had wanted was Seth to wake up, and he did. But she ruined it. Seth had woken up, Summer could think about it clearly now. He was out of his coma, they had waited a month and a half.

Neil stared at his daughter. What had happened to his princess? Summer was skin and bones, he never remembered her to be that thin. It was becoming clear to him that he might have to take her to a mental institution. She needed it. He didn't want to, but it might help her. She had tried to kill herself, Neil was wrapping his mind around it. She had wanted to die, really die. Life had been too difficult for her to deal. She wasn't allowed to be alone now. Suicide watch kept her here.

Neil remembered the good times with Summer. When she was little, and he could protect her. But he couldn't protect her from herself. No one could stop her, not even Neil. He had thought Seth could help her, but that didn't work. Still, he couldn't blame everything on Seth. The boy had been in a coma, he couldn't have done anything. So who's fault was it?

Summer knew her father was in the room, she just had that feeling. She would have to open her eyes eventually. So she decided soon. Then she would beg her dad to not send her away. He didn't want to, no one did. So why? Why did they have to send Summer away? She would be okay, as long as Seth was there. She probably would've indefinitely gone through with it as soon as they walked into that room. But she heard Seth's voice and that intrigued her. And it had been him. She got to look at him, for, say fifteen minutes. Then the world went black. And Summer thought she had been dead. But she wasn't. She was alive, and not near ready to face the world and its' reality. But she still opened her eyes.

"Daddy?" Summer asked, finally opening her eyes. Hospital rooms looked so much different from the bed. Her father smiled and hugged her, barely not breaking her bones.

"Oh baby, thank God you're okay." Neil was almost in tears, so happy that Summer was alive. He didn't want to let her go, if he did, he might lose her again.

"Yeah, I am." Summer didn't really know what to say. She wasn't ready, why had she opened her eyes?

"Don't ever scare me like that again." Neil didn't let go, Summer fell into sobs. She felt horrible, putting her father through this. She put them all through hell and for what? Nothing. No good came of it, and Summer was sure she would be sent away. "Baby, it's okay. You're alive and safe." Neil wanted Summer to be happy, but really, how could she be? Summer just tried to kill herself. They finally let go and all Summer wanted was to be held again. She felt empty and alone. She felt worse than she had in that month ever. The whole time she hadn't had human contact while she was alone. Now, she had it, but as soon as it came, it was taken away. Her body racked in sobs, and she pulled her knees close to her chest to calm her shaking body.

Summer felt sick to her stomach. How could she have done this to all the people who actually gave a damn about her? Seth, her dad, Marissa, Ryan. Four people. Only four people who really may have cared about her. Could Ryan even be considered? Summer doubted anyone cared about her now.

"Calm down, baby. It's all right." Neil tried to cheer up her daughter, but it wasn't quite working. Her tears cascaded down her face, Neil couldn't believe this was the same little girl who used to scream for him to push her higher on a swing. He couldn't believe this was his daughter.

"No it's not!" Summer screamed, hitting away her father's hand. All she wanted was some sort of touch, yet she hit it away when it came to her.

"Summer, breath. It'll be all right." Neil hugged his daughter, trying to stop her shaking. She didn't hug back, she wouldn't. As father held her, she did calm down. She liked the embrace.

"You're just gonna send me away." She whispered, not looking up after they split. That was why she was gonna die, because she didn't want to go away. But she had lost the will to fight.

"What?" Neil didn't understand her. Summer finally lifted her small head and looked at her father straight in the eye.

"That's why I did it. You were gonna send me away." Summer realized her whole life had hit rock bottom. She weighed around nothing, and she had just tried to kill herself. But she still didn't want to go away. She wanted to stay here, with everyone. She wanted Seth.

"Oh." Neil couldn't say anything. Was that the real reason? Was he the reason?

"I don't wanna go to a mental institute. I wanna stay here." Summer wasn't going to go. But it probably could be pretty easy since Summer may have weighed at most, like 90 pounds.

"Summer, you need help. You need to go." Neil didn't want his daughter to go just as much as she didn't want to. This was his only daughter. Neil loved her, always had. Could he send her there?

"No." Summer shook her head, her hair flailed with it. "I am not going."

"Summer...." Neil began to argue.

"I promise I'll be good. I swear, nothing will happen." Summer pleaded with him. She had to argue and not go there. She only was arguing half-heartedly, the more she thought about it, the more she figured she'd have to go.

"How can I trust you?" Neil was scared that she would try again, and that time, he really would lose her.

"You can! I did it....I did it because of......because of Cohen." Summer had to try anything to stay in Newport.

"Seth?" Neil was perplexed, but he listened to his daughter.

"Yeah. I didn't because I missed him. I hated being alone and he was hurt. And I just couldn't do it without him." Summer remembered the first time she saw Seth. When she was in third grade. Her parents were dealing with their divorce, and Summer pretty much hated the world. But she saw Seth, and it just made her feel good. He had still done that, until earlier.

"Oh." Neil was speechless again, he never knew his daughter to like a guy so much. One of them, no more than the other, got bored with the other, and they left her. But Summer always grinned and went on with life. This time she hadn't been able to.

"I promise I won't do ti again. Just please, don't send me away. I just want Cohen." Summer hadn't thought she loved Seth as much as she did.

"Want me to go get him?" Summer nodded in response. Tears still fell down as he left the room. A nurse saw him leave, and immediately went to watch Summer. Ryan, Marissa, and Seth sat in chairs, all three of them staring down. "Seth." Seth got up and went to Neil. "She wants to see you. Just be careful. She's really emotional."

"Okay." Seth nodded, he was happy, yet scared. Happy that Summer was okay, scared to see her. Neil walked down the hall, away from Seth as he walked closer and closer to Summer's room. Seth glanced back to Marissa and Ryan, who gave Seth hopeful looks. He took a deep breath and walked into Summer's room.

The nurse then exited and Seth looked to Summer. She sat on the bed, curled up, knees to chest. Seth walked slowly, not wanting to disturb her. He couldn't hear her crying, though he figured she was. Seth couldn't speak, his voice had vanished. Just looking at Summer freaked him out, there had been moments he thought she was dead.

"Hey," Seth finally choked out as he got a tod bit closer. Summer looked up, the tears still falling down her face. Seth had never gotten a good chance to look at Summer. He had seen her, but it wasn't the right time. Seth was confused, he loved Summer, but yet she had changed so much. Summer pale, paler than any person Seth ever saw. Her bones protruded through the skin, she was skeletal. Summer's hands were horribly cut up, for a reason Seth did not know.

"Hi." She answered, forcing a small smile. He did also, it was quite awkward between the two. Couples in Newport went through was too much, especially Seth and Summer.

"How ya feeling?" Seth asked, knowing nothing else to say.

"Like shit." Summer sounded like she had, maybe just a little softer. They laughed a tiny bit, Summer was beginning to hate what was happening. She should've never agreed with her father to send Seth in. She wasn't ready. Or too ready.

"Figured." Seth had no clue what else to say. Things had gone from bad to horrible between Seth and Summer.

Summer looked at Seth. He was just like she remembered. She felt bad for what she put him through.

"I'm sorry." She said to him. She just wanted to go back. Back to when Seth got on the top of the table to say how much he loved her. That was almost a year ago.

"It's fine." But it really wasn't. Summer hurt Seth a lot.

"No, it's not. I'm really, really, sorry." Summer felt herself ready to bawl. She hated herself.

"I should be the one who's apologizing." Seth was the one who caused this, made Summer this way.

"Why?" Summer didn't want his apologies, but maybe she did. Seth _had_ left her.

"Because I left you....twice. But it was just, I got scared and I didn't know what to do. I thought you would see the dork in me, and leave. So I left. And I'm sorry." It was kinda nice talking to Summer. Neither was hugely upset, and he could finally just talk with her. That hadn't happened since.....damn, before his argument with Marissa back at that restaurant.

"You know I would never do that. Leave you." Summer really did love him, she knew that now. Every other guy never apologized, but Seth had.

"But you did." Seth still remembered the day the he got back. Seth thought Summer wouldn't be _that_ pissed at Seth. Yeah, he was wrong. Her exact words were, "Don't ever talk to me again, asshole." and then she had slammed the door in his face.

"You hurt me." Summer always needed a good reason to hate someone. Seth gave it to her, and she took it. But it didn't last forever.

"I'm sorry." Seth hadn't wanted to leave her. He hadn't been thinking when he left. It had been stupid.

"I waited for you both times." Summer told Seth. She felt vulnerable, like her feelings were all out in the open.

"What?" Seth didn't understand what Summer meant.

"At first, when you left, I cried and I waited until finally I couldn't do it. Marissa took em to some parties to get my mind off you, but they didn't really help. Everyday I checked the docks, hoping you had come back. And when you did, I couldn't forgive you." Summer didn't cry, it felt good to put out her feelings.

"Oh." Seth felt horrible. How much pain he put Summer through. "I never meant to leave you the second time."

"I know." _But it still hurt._

"I looked for you." Seth relived that day. The day he thought he was dead.

"Same here." Summer responded.

"I felt so bad for leaving you. And when I heard that gunshot, I thought about you. I was so scared that if I never made it out, I would never get to tell you how much I loved you." Summer melted for Seth. She loved him, really loved him. "Cause I love you."

"I love you too Cohen." They stared at each other, Summer lost in his eyes. "Come here." Seth still felt awkward going near Summer, the last time she almost died. But Seth dutifully walked over, and she hugged him, he hugged her. She felt safe once again, like she could be okay.

"I'm sorry." Seth repeated in her ear.

"I know." Summer still couldn't get herself to say to him that she forgave him. Did she? He _had_ put her through a lot, but she loved him. Could she love Seth even though she didn't forgive him? Sure, she loved her dad, and she never forgave him, but he was different. Seth was someone Summer chose, did she have to forgive him?

They continued to hug, Seth was just glad she was okay. Summer thought about the shooting, the fear, Seth. So much had changed between them, they lost something. But it had been missing since summer. Summer felt close to Seth, but they couldn't get the innocence they had at first.

Seth knew something was up, he could feel it. Summer wasn't hugging him now, she just lie limply in his arms. He felt bad for everything, all the pain they caused each other.

"What's wrong?" Seth asked Summer. Summer didn't want to talk, she thought about the hospital. Where she would most likely be sent to. Knowing no one, not having Seth, she was afraid.

"Nothing." She didn't look up at Seth, afraid she might break.

"There's something wrong. What is it?" Seth knew Summer too well. He knew almost everything, more not that he spoke to her rather than watch her feed squirrels.

"It's nothing. I'm fine." Summer would not look up at Seth, she couldn't stop thinking about being sent away.

"I don't think you are. You say you're fine, but you just get worse." That might have been true, but Summer wouldn't admit it. "Summer, look at me." Seth wanted to know. Summer had been so open, and then she just shut down. "Summer."

"What?" Summer finally looked up, staring up into Seth's concerned eyes. How had she gotten him?

"What is wrong?" Seth loved Summer, and he cared about her. He wanted to help her more than ever, especially since he almost lost her.

"I'm scared Cohen." Summer's voice quivered. "I'm scared as hell. I don't wanna go to a mental institute." Summer cried. Seth didn't know how to answer that. She had tried to kill herself, but it was Summer. Summer couldn't leave. Seth wouldn't know what to do. But it might be good for her. "Cohen?" She asked him. Right when Summer opened up, Seth shut down.

"Summer," Seth started, "I don't want you to leave either. But it might be best. You can get some times away from Newport." Seth didn't like the idea, but it would help Summer.

"No, Seth. I don't wanna be away from Newport. I don't wanna be away from _you._ Because you're the reason I did it." Seth felt worse than ever with those words. "But you're the reason I stayed."

"But you didn't." Seth didn't deserve Summer, he had destroyed her beauty.

"But I did! Seth, when you got shot, and I saw you in the hospital that first day, I wanted to hurt myself. I didn't show it, I just acted as best I could. And then Marissa called to tell me you fell in a coma. I wanted to die. I felt responsible. Like, if I had forgiven you, you might have been okay, and we could've gotten through it together. But you weren't there. I tried to be okay, and not show what I was feeling, but it was hard. Marissa tried to help, but she couldn't. No one could. And one day, I just broke. I couldn't live in this world without you. So I hid. And I was gonna end it earlier. I was afraid. Afraid of being sent away, afraid of facing the world without you, I was just afraid. If Marissa and Ryan had been the only ones who came into my room, even my parents, I could've done it, no doubt about it. But I heard your voice. And I wanted to see your face one last time."

"Summer, I love you." Seth held Summer as close as he could. She had told him everything, and he never would've thought it was like that. Summer fell apart in his arms, everything was out in the open.

"I'm sorry." She told him again and again, trying to apologize.

"It's okay. It doesn't matter." The shooting had ripped them apart, but yet brought them back together.

A knock at the door stopped them and they looked to the doorway. Marissa and Ryan stood there, they had wanted to check on Summer. Seth and Summer separated, and she wiped tears away from her eyes.

"Hey guys," Seth greeted Marissa and Ryan as they walked in.

"Hey," Marissa said back. "Hey Sum." Her eyes were brimming with tears.

"Hi." Summer answered, Seth moving away from her to let Marissa hug Summer.

"How are you feeling?" Marissa asked, happy that she was talking to Summer. This must have been the fear that Summer had felt when Marissa ODed. It was deja vu. They hadn't really learned a thing from their mistakes.

"Better." Summer told her once they stopped hugging. She looked over to Seth and smiled at him.

"I'm glad you're okay." Marissa felt a little bit better.

"I am too. And I wish I could stay." Summer didn't want to leave. She might try again without Seth.

"What do you mean?" Marissa asked, already thinking she knew. Ryan didn't say anything, he wasn't the closest to Summer. He felt as though only really close people should be in the room. But Marissa had pushed him.

"I'm gonna have to go to a loony bin." Summer was tired, but she wanted a solution to her problem.

"I didn't have to go. Persuade your dad. We'll help no matter what." Marissa tried to cheer Summer up.

"Right." Both boys agreed.

"Thanks. I know you wanna talk, but I'm really tired." Summer just wanted to sleep. Everything had exhausted her.

"Sure. We'll go." Seth said and they said their goodbyes. Seth kissed Summer on the cheek and they left, with a nurse coming in to watch Summer. Then Summer regretted sending them out. She was uncomfortable. And she hated the bed. But she guessed she would have to get used to it if she would go to a loony bin. The beds always sucked there. Would she be okay there? She was scared. Would they tease her? Sure, they would all have problems, but screwed up people cane be cruel. Would Summer make it through without Seth? She hadn't before.

Summer looked at her arm. The stitches had finally been removed from her hands. But the scars were still clearly visible. Her wrist was wrapped up from the cut, she didn't want to look under it. She knew the cut was deep, she wasn't ready to see it.

Summer supposed she should sleep. That was why she kicked them all out. She laid down and shut her eyes. Immediately she was tired.

"Mr. Roberts, I think Summer will be okay since Seth is here." Summer could hear Marissa say. It was hours later, and Marissa, Seth, and Ryan were talking to Neil. They all thought Summer was sleeping, which she had been.

"It still might be best for her. To take some time away from Newport." Neil was slowly caving in, he didn't really want to send Summer away.

"She'll get worse without Seth." Ryan finally said something.

"Yeah. She even said so herself." Seth added.

"I still don't know......." Neil hated the argument, he did love Summer.

"Mr. Roberts, I promise you we will watch her and make sure she's okay. We will help her any way we can. Just please, do _not_ take her away." Seth pleaded. Neil thought about it, finally making up his mind.

"All right." He agreed. Summer heard everything, she pretended to be sleeping, but now she couldn't.

"You're letting me stay?" Summer shot up, scaring everyone. Marissa jumped and shrieked. Summer stared at her dad, hoping to hear the answer again. Neil nodded, and Summer went over to him and hugged him.

"One thing: I don't wanna hear about anything drastic happening. If nothing happens after two weeks, and you seem to be okay, you don't have to see a therapist." Neil didn't believe his daughter needed to see a shrink, he just believed she needed someone to really love her. Seth.

"Okay." Summer nodded.

"I'll leave you kids alone." Neil left the four alone, and they stood and sat there for a moment in silence.

"So when am I getting out?" Summer broke it, she now feared the silence. In the silence she did things she didn't want to do.

"Hopefully in a few days." Marissa answered, happy that Summer was okay, and not going to a mental facility.

"So, I guess I'm going to back to school when it starts." Summer had missed a whole month of it, she wouldn't know what was happening.

"Summer, I've missed more school than you have. We're both gonna be screwed." Seth joked with her.

"Two things there. One: We missed the same amount of time. And two: You're smarter than me." Summer complained.

"Sum, all the teachers are either really fast or really slow. I'm confused in most of my classes. We'll all just have to study together." Marissa assured Summer.

"Thanks." Summer didn't think studying would be the only problem she would have. Seth would most likely have it too. But people would stare, no doubt. Seth might be able to dodge some of them, not many people knew him. Summer used to be majorly popular, and she had been gone since school restarted. Plus, she was pencil thin, Summer could barely recognize herself.

"Well, we're all alive. And awake." Marissa said to them, finally realizing it. Seth was awake, Summer was fine, and both Ryan and Marissa had been okay.

"Very true." Seth agreed.

"Ryan, are you okay?" Summer asked him, noticing he hadn't said a word since the argument with Summer's dad.

"Yeah, I'm fine." Ryan said non-commitedly, he was obviously zoned out.

"Okay." Summer didn't push any farther. "Wait, I know Seth probably learned everything that happened, but I didn't. So what did I miss?" Summer looked up at the,, with the glow of a little child, waiting for an answer. This time, they didn't have to hide anything or anyone.

"Oh, well, there was a fight." Seth told her, pushing Summer over on the bed so he could sit with her.

"Really?" Summer questioned.

"Between my aunt and ...........my grandmother." Seth shuddered. "Oh God, is she still my grandmother?" He asked Ryan and Marissa.

"Unfortunately." Ryan commented.

"Yeah, well, there's always a possibility she won't be you grandmother. She's my _mom_. I'm stuck with her." Marissa complained.

"Ah, you beat me there." Seth told her. "Yes, but I have my mom." He pointed out.

"Kirsten's not bad." Ryan argued.

"Most of the time. But you've never seen her after running away for two weeks without any phone call or notice whatsoever." Seth said.

"Yeah, I haven't seen that." Ryan laughed and they all smiled. It was the first time they had done that in a long time.

"I didn't think I would make it out alive." Seth added, but it pertained to two things. Both times when he left. "Oh yes, Summer. While you slept and before we all took on your dad, and won, might I add, I went to your house and found a little something in your...uh, if you can call it a room." Seth told her. Then he produced a plastic horse.

"Princess Sparkles!" Summer squealed and grabbed the horse from Seth's hands. That horse helped her through so much. "Where did you find it?" Summer had ruined her room so badly, she couldn't see how Seth found anything.

"Well, I went in and looked for it, I believe ir was under a yearbook." Seth answered.

"Thanks." She said, having said that a lot today. They all stopped talking, just thinking. They had survived.

"Okay, I'm sick of the silence. What are we gonna talk about?" Marissa asked after about a minute, knowing exactly what was on their minds.

"Can you believe this all happened in less than two months?" Summer wondered.

"Who would've thought." Seth commented.

"Hopefully we can just take it easy." Marissa added.

"I doubt it. Something scary will happen. or someone will leave. They always do." Seth thought about when he left half a year ago. Who would've thought it would turn out like this?

"Or someone will come into our lives." Marissa looked over to Ryan. He had changed the world they knew, Marissa knew it was for the better.

"Well, I doubt it'll beat what we've been through." Summer said.

"Hmm....that would be everything?" Marissa joked.

"Well, we haven't been in a flood." Ryan found something they hadn't dealt with. He felt happy with them, much happier than with Theresa. This was where he belonged.

"One thing. Maybe that's what we'll deal with next." Summer laughed.

"Who will survive?" Seth attempted a scary serious tone.

"Hopefully not my mother." Marissa, of course, still hated Julie.

"Some things never change." Ryan commented. They laughed, life had finally looked up.

"You know what I noticed? All of us, either have a plastic horse, or a care bear. Except Ryan." Marissa brought it up.

"That's true. So, Ryan where are you hiding it?" Seth teased.

"Hiding what?" Ryan didn't have a bear, nor a plastic horse. He really didn't want one.

"Your plastic horse. Or care bear. Whichever you desire." Seth told him.

"I don't have one." Ryan never had one, a horse or a bear, he had always been too old or too big for one.

"He doesn't seem like the plastic horse kind of guy." Summer added.

"Yes, he's a care bear kind of guy. But which one?" Seth enjoyed annoying Ryan.

"Guys....." Ryan warned.

"How about.......Brooding Bear?" Marissa thought of it.

"There isn't a Brooding Bear......" Summer was confused.

"Right. We make one. Get a bear, and like, change the icon on the stomach." Marissa explained.

"I like it. Brooding Bear. Very Ryan-ish." Seth joked. "So, Ryan, what's your favorite color?"

"I don't have a favorite color....." Ryan objected slowly.

"You don't have a favorite color? Chino, you have to have a favorite color." Summer had adjusted to the hospital, she started using nicknames.

"Why are we talking about an imaginary bear for me?" Ryan ended it, getting really confused with the topic.

"Because it's fun." Marissa answered.

"Because it takes our minds off the bad things." SUmmer added.

"Because it annoys the hell out of you." Seth made them all laugh. "Yes, Summer, I was thinking, if you're gonna be here for a couple days, meaning I'll be visiting, wow, I can't get away from this place. I just keep coming back...." Seth rambled.

"Seth....you're rambling." Summer pointed out to him.

"Right. Sorry. Anyways, I was thinking we could hook up the Playstation."

"Cohen, I don't play." Summer told him.

"I haven't taught you the art of video games? Well, you will learn, I'll see that you do." Seth smiled at her. She smiled at him again.

"C'mon, Sum, I even know how to play video games." Marissa added.

"Guys, are we ever gonna be okay?" Summer asked, after about two minutes of all of them being lost in the silence.

"Probably not," Seth paused, "But we'll make it through."

**Oh my gosh, I'M DONE! It's a freaking miracle! Well, I should start on the sequel to this, or maybe I won't.... maybe this will keep going, all depends if I want to start a new story. But here are some little shout outs to people who helped me through this:**

**To adamismine69 and bennshott: You two helped me write this! You were the constant two telling me to write this story. And I use some ideas of yours, one of which I took from radam in this chapter...**

**To SethCohenFan, Rockin' whatever, and I don't know what your sn is now, but to Kim: Ah! I'm done! Wtf? **

**To OCGuy05(from the OC boards): Brooding Bear is an idea I had after a conversation with him. So he gets some props for that.**

**To all the people on the OC boards I didn't name: Yeah, your ideas helped me out, and I would've never got this done without you.**

**AND TO ALL THE READERS!!!: Wow, what can I say, you definitely made me finish the story...or is it finished? Hmm...I'll have to think about that one. This is for you guys, I would've never wrote this if I had no one liking it! **

**Oh, and one thing: Hey, if you do the pray thing, pray for my friend who is dealing with lyme disease, Lynsey!** **She needs it! So, she deserves Adam Brody for at least a week or two...sorry girls...**

**Ali**


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